“I’m not buying toilet paper anymore,” my father announced at Thanksgiving dinner.

And as you can imagine, with an attention-getter like that, everyone —aunts, uncles, other grandparents, and especially my wife, Michele — were all eager to hear what he had to say next.

Dad went on to explain — in some detail — all the ways his new robotic bidet toilet had greatly enriched his life.

Michele added that when she had traveled in Europe, some years ago, she had also used a bidet.

“This is different. This one cleans the front and back. It’s wonderful.” Dad said proudly. “And it has a hot air feature that blows dry.”

About a week later, and out of the blue, Dad called me to say, “I want to come over and install this new bidet I bought for you.”

Once installed, Michele fell in love with our new USPA 6800 Bidet Toilet Seat, and she’d been excitedly urging me to give it a try.

“You’re going to love it,” she said. “The heated seat is the best part. It keeps your fanny nice and toasty, and the warm water jets, I’m still trying out the different settings, but I really think you are going to love it.”

It’s important for you to know that these are the exact words of a conversation she and I had while standing in the driveway, both of us preparing to go to work the next day.

“I need to go back inside,” I said.

“Did you forget something?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “I have to go to the toilet.”

Then, she said — and again I want to stress these are her exact words — “Ohhhhhh Mac! That is exciting! Let me know how you like the spritz feature.”

And as she was driving away, she added, “I want you to call me when you are done. I want a full report.”

“Oh, I will,” I said waving. “I’ll give you a full report.”

During the whole conversation, we were standing about 20 to 30 feet apart, so although we weren’t exactly shouting, we certainly were speaking loud enough for our neighbors to hear.

And, if you had told me a week earlier that my wife of 28 years would be this genuinely excited to hear about me making a trip to the bathroom, I would have thought you mad.

I should also mention that two weeks after Dad installed our bidet, we were at a dinner party in Charlotte at my brother and sister-in-law’s place.

I used the toilet, came out and asked my sister-in-law Pam, “Did you guys get a bidet toilet, too?”

“We bought two of them,” she said with a smile.

“Is this because of what Dad said at Thanksgiving?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” she said. “After we heard your dad go on about his, we bought one for the guest bathroom and one for the master.”

With that, my mother-in-law said, “I’ve got to try this.” And when she exited the bathroom she made a touchdown sign with her arms.

She was so pleased, we all chipped in to buy her one for Christmas.

So here is my full report: It is really nice. The heated seat alone is worth the price of admission. You might not think a pre-warmed toilet seat would be that big of a deal, but I can assure you: It’s outstanding!

Unlike my dad, I’m not quite ready to go completely paperless yet, but I do think I’m headed in that direction.

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Mac Lane lives in High Point, is a happily married father of three, who works in the home furnishings industry. Mac can be reached at maclane@northstate.net.

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