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Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, July 1

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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While I continue to work from home, I won’t be in the office to accept mail-in entries. I’m afraid it’s electronic submissions only for now until further notice. I apologize for the inconvenience.

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“Joke’s on You” regrets to report that we lost a member of our captioning community. Multiple JOY winner Norma Kay passed on last week. ‘The Joke’s on You’ will miss her witty contributions.

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JOY will be closed next week. See you in two weeks!

Last week’s cartoon was The squirrels. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – the magician.

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WINNER

“Give this oak a great Yelp review!”

Tim Tribbett

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RUNNERS-UP

“Why don’t you put that down and help!”

Lynda Perry, Eden

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“You need to put this on Facebook!”

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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“I agree. That nutfinder app makes it so much easier.”

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“Pin my location so I can find this in the winter.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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“Just don’t use the Dancing Bunny filter on me again.”

Larry Kirwan, Greensboro

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“Check YouTube on easiest way to crack nuts.”

Janice Y. Smith, Greensboro

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“Catch and release? Are you nuts?”

Bill Wallace

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“I struggle hard everyday to bring home the acorn, and you’re still sitting here on social media!”

Jeraldine Bailey, Greensboro

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)

“Must you Instagram every meal?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Here I am dodging traffic and avoiding cats to make ends meet, and you’re sitting on your rear end playing Minecraft?”

Mike Perry

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

For the last time, I don't Instagram my meals.

Rev. Beth M. Woodard, High Point

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

When I come up with a cartoon idea, I try to think of different captions that could go with it. Here’s one I came up with that’s a bit different from the ones you sent in.

I think you guys covered all the areas I was thinking of – mostly social-media-type stuff.

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THE REST

For the last time, I don't Instagram my meals.

Rev. Beth M. Woodard, High Point

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Let me take a picture of you showing how you gathered your acorn by doing curb side pick up!

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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"I'm glad you missed the part where it bonked me on the head."

"You should be holding it since you shook it loose."

"Why did we climb back up where it fell from?"

"We couldn't wait for gravity to do its thing."

"I'm not sure this qualifies as a 'kill'."

"Here's my dowry."

"Do we pig out now or save it for later?"

"This is more impressive than birdseed."

"The one of me dodging the car was more dramatic."

Bill Wallace

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“Does this acorn make me look fat?”

“Hurry up, I have work to do!”

“I found a new oak tree, we are set for winter!”

“I am smiling!”

Rick O ‘Reilly, Greensboro

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“Must you post pics of your food?”

Tim Tribbett

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Can't I just keep this one instead of sending it to Washington?

Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

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“Did you download the ‘nut finder‘ app?”

Tim Tribbett

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“You seriously gave my acorn a bad Yelp review!?”

Tim Tribbett

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Gathering nuts in May is a cute song, but it's June!  Now put that *%(+$  down and help!

No!  You can't order them from Amazon!

This goes on Instagram, right?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Just don't use the Dancing Bunny filter on me again."

Larry Kirwan, Greensboro

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You're nuts!

Why don't you put that down and help!

Take my picture!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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"C'mon Nutsy. There has to be room for one more."

B. Martin, High Point

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"Some of our friends will think this is squirrely."

"It's no different from a human with a fish."

"Make sure my magnificent tail is in the shot."

"Like I won't recognize it when I dig it up!"

"This is more civilized than a deer-head on a wall."

Bill Wallace

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"We're more photogenic than possums!"

"Send it to Guiness right away!"

"Does this make me look like a nut?"

"This is our life in a nut-shell."

"If I say 'cheese', I'll look like a rat."

"Our family album is full of nuts."

"Raiding bird feeders is more fun!"

Bill Wallace

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 “Normally I’d go out on a limb for you, but this social distancing is driving me nuts!”

Jim Ertner, Greensboro

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"Catch and release? Are you nuts?"

"I doubt its mother will miss it."

"Donate to the less fortunate? Rats don't eat acorns."

"Our nest is becoming a real nuthouse."

Bill Wallace

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If you really want to know....I don't ove you.  That's it in a nutshell!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Do you really think it will sell.

Joe Doria, Jamestown

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We all know you want to journal how we do it, but we'd rather you would just put it down and do it!

Mike Perry, Eden

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We've solved the problem of hiding our nuts!  It's at First National and it's called a lock box!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I have an idea.  Why don't we take a few pictures and put them on e-bay!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Typing nuts into your GPS was brilliant!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Watch what you eat, curb the carbs, refrain from too many fats. I'm glad I'm a squirrel, coz the rest of

the world is nuts!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'll never understand your fixation on squirrel diet or food products.  But go ahead and take your picture and put it on the nut work!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Okay Uber, this order goes to 100 Oak Branch Drive.

Shirley McAnulty, Asheboro

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"Sometimes I feel like we're a couple of nut-cases."

Bill Wallace

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Why yes!  I did go to the psychiatrist last week.  He told me I was nuts!

Mike Perry, Eden

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My new attache has a triple-number combination,  ample storage and is sealed from the elements.

It's a real nutcase!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm finding nuts don't quite carry me through the whole winter.  I'm thinking of changing over to

mutual funds!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You need to put this on Facebook

How long will you have to work from home?

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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"I struggle hard everyday to bring home the acorn, and you're still sitting here on social media!"

Jeraldine Bailey, Greensboro

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Put that back. I have delivery on speed dial.

Deborah Humphrey, Greensboro

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Woohoo!  We’ve got dinner, now use GPS to get us home.

V Sparrow

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"Put this down as my contribution to Congress." 

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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Here I am dodging traffic and avoiding cats to make ends meet, and you're sitting on your rear end playing Minecraft?

Mike Perry

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You saw that Blue Jay attack and didn't warn me or anything.  Well, I hope you got a video of it!

Mike Perry, Eden

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When did any one have time to produce a Kindle smaller than an acorn?

Mike Perry, Eden

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How do you become a flying squirrel?  Well, I would guess a phone call to the local airport might be a good starting point!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Instead of all this running around every fall like we do, why don't we just order all our meals online!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I heard of this place called Washington D. C.   We'd never go hungry!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You've heard that phrase "You are what you eat!?"  I just realized they're talking about us!

Mike Perry, Eden

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So tell me, Where are we storing the acorns for the next year?

Ruth Petty, Greensboro

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"Nutcrackers are on sale  this week at Walmart,"

"Amazon is running a special on nutcrackers this week,"

"Check YouTube on easiest way to get the meat core out.."

"Check YouTube on easiest way to crack nuts."

"I'm allergic to ALL nuts."

Janice Y. Smith, Greensboro

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You know, you can’t survive playing video games

Peter Miller, Greensboro

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“Give this oak a great Yelp review!”

Tim Tribbett

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1. Send a copy to the White House.

2. Party time!!!

3. Let’s roast it for supper.

4. This will taste good on a cold winter’s night.

5. This will make great pop acorn.

6. I can’t wait to pop this big baby.

7. It doesn’t fit in our nest.

8. Humans call it “hitting the jackpot”.

9. Check google to find out if this is a record.

10. I got it on Amazon including free shipping.

11. You should see the size of the tree it came from!

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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That LetgoNuts finder app really works!

Did you find any vegan acorn recipes?

Unbelievable what I had to go through for this. It's just nuts!

What caption did you give that picture?

Brady Rosenbluth, Greensboro

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1. I know you ordered a dozen, but they had a one acorn limit.

2. Can you order more than one from Amazon?

Kerin Plank, Greensboro

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1- Must have used growth hormone.

2- Get this into Guiness World Records.

3- Imagine how big a tree this would grow into.

4- I'll eat some and preserve some.

5- I've never dug a hole this big.

Max Harless, High Point

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You remember Fred?  The guy that thought he was a flying squirrel?  Turns out he was wrong!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"This sure beats that picture of Bucky's acorn."

"It has to be boiled with oak leaves ?"

"Send the picture to my in-laws; that'll show them I'm a good provider."

"I'll trade you for this acorn...."

"Hide our location so we can keep all of these acorns."

"You'd better put that down if you expect any supper."

"Have a big pot sent overnight."

"See if Mama's willing to cook it."

"Too bad you have that dentist appointment today."

"See if EBay has any big shovels."

"We can wait until tomorrow to check out that new birdfeeder."

"Check to see if there are any more takeout trees near us."

Debra Watson, Eden

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"....and they sit at the bar and put nuts in my jar and I say "Man, what are you doing here?!!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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Why don't we go in together and just buy a storage pod next year?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Do I bury this one in the manicured lawn ?

Does this go in the Grey Poupon cauldron ?

I picked this off the giant oak tree

Tim does not want you to squirrel away his phone

I can’t remember where I hid the last one

We are gatherers. So get off the phone and gather

Ok. Next assignment ?

Will this one go to the Chock Full of Nuts Heavenly Coffee plant ?

I can’t get the cap off this one

Why is it always me doing the ground work around here ?

Nuts to you !

This could add some flavor to Grey Poupon

Why do we have to inventory our nuts ?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"I like big nuts and I cannot lie!"

Cockerham, Greensboro

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#2:    "Go ahead!  Check the price of nuts!  I still think it'd be cheaper to store up our own!"

#3:    "Why don't you look and see if there's ever been evidence of a talking squirrel?"

#4:    "What do you want to me to do?  Show off my nuts to the internet?"

#5:    "You should check out that new commercial on WNUT!"

#6:    "You know, you're one tough nut to crack!"

#7:    "What's better for a headache, a nut or a tablet?"

#8:    "Just give the world your thoughts in a nut shell!"

#1:    "Sometimes you feel like a nut,

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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just don’t put so many in your cheeks this time.

yes dear, I got this from that low cal nut tree.

more of these and we’ll be ready for winter.

Mitch Poole, Mt. Juliet, TN

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So you get  14 nuts for rent, 6 for nut storage ?

I’m telling you that you had seven of these in your cheeks last night.

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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“Are you in that bird’s twitter feed AGAIN?!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Change status to ‘bright eyed and bushy tailed’.”

Tim Tribbett

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“GPS will help us cross the road?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Mapquest that walnut tree.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Stop trolling that dog!”

Tim Tribbett

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“No phones at dinner.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Let’s sell this on TreeBay.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Must you Instagram every meal?”

Tim Tribbett

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“No wonder you have problems crossing roads.”

Tim Tribbett

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Darn spell check, I wanted an accordion.

This new app will eliminate the hassle of finding nuts.

I have a coupon from GoodRx.

David Core, Greensboro

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“That’s an investment site not food.”

“What’s our Letgo price?”

“No, I’m not going to Letgo.”

“Can I use your Snapnut app?”

“Pin my location so I can find this in the winter.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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I won this award for deciding to get out of the road.

Let’s tell everyone it’s a squirrel egg.

I call this a tree in a box.

Video me throwing this at that jogger.

Take that guy’s picture when this bonks him on the head.

I’m saving this one for Thanksgiving.

I’m going to trade this for some peanut brittle.

Where’s you mask?

I’m going to trade this for a couple of N-95 masks.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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I agree - that nutfinder app makes it so much easier.

Can you find a recipe for acorn butter?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"I'm not trading until I know if I can eat it!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Take a couple pics, ok?  I'd like to use one for my Christmas card."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Who you gonna call??... Nutbusters??"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"So the recipe really says '1 acorn squash'?  That's a funny way to say it. So what is step 2?"

"How would we even squash this acorn for that recipe?  Google That!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"What is it!?  Well, in a nutshell, it's a tree!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

There's a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff... when he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree.  He's baffled and yells down "WHAT are you doing?!"    The elephant nonchalantly replies "I'm just coming up to eat oranges."  The squirrel  snorts and shouts back "You IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!"         The elephant, now nearing the top and getting annoyed by the squirrel, snaps back "WHAT'S  it to You STUPID?? I brought my own oranges!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"What is it!?  Well, in a nutshell, it's a tree!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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BEST POEMS

Out On a Limb

These squirrels are showcasing a primo prize,

their newly-acquired acorn of gargantuan size.

They could not wait for its eventual certain fall;

its speeding mass would mean no curtain call.

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They would be captive to a state of high dread,

afraid it might plummet and fracture their head.

The thought of enduring bad scrapes and cuts

made both nervous and was driving them nuts.

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A decision was reached to shinny up that tree,

shake the limb violently and thereby set it free.

This plan was brilliant, but had a hidden catch;

one of them had to be ready to make a snatch.

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They're concerned others will doubt their story,

deny them the privilege of basking in real glory.

In efforts to document the true chain of events,

they're taking photos so the tale makes sense.

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That will give credence to their heroic mission;

establish it as fact, rather than a ruse of fiction.

Remaining doubters should go online and look

at the hard evidence now shown on Facebook.

Bill Wallace

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Squirrel Scourge

Like many other creatures on our green earth,

you have to question the squirrel's true worth.

Classified by science as another lowly rodent,

its proclivity at breeding seems mighty potent.

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So deeply ingrained is this nature-given habit,

they come in second only to the horny rabbits.

Your yard could be home to just one lone pair,

then suddenly fifty more appear out of thin air.

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God help you if your turf has any bird feeders;

these social climbers are truly crafty cheaters.

Dispensers advertised as being squirrel-proof

are their buffets, sending you through the roof.

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In this futile battle, it is best to declare a truce;

these varmints won't be secluded in a spruce.

Otherwise, your life will become one huge rut,

as these hungry critters slowly drive you nuts.

Bill Wallace

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There was a squirrel in a tree with a mirror in his hand

Said I'm the best looking in the land

His mate beside him said “Not so with me around.”

“But you can still share this acorn with me and enjoy being homeward bound.”

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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Duke told Chippy, "No ifs, ands or buts.

We're now out of our food-finding ruts!

       In these digital times

       We buy acorns on line.

It's no wonder folks think we're all nuts."

Ken Sheldon

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

I dropped it into the wizard's pot and when it came out it was this big.

Last week the wizard got all my acorns but this one to go in his pot.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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Does this go in the Grey Poupon cauldron ?

Tim does not want you to squirrel away his phone

This could add some flavor to Grey Poupon

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

Will this one go to the Chock Full of Nuts Heavenly Coffee plant ?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST/WORST PUNS

I'll never understand your fixation on squirrel diet or food products.  But go ahead and take your picture and put it on the nut work!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Let’s sell this on TreeBay.”

Tim Tribbett

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BEST EARWORMS

"....and they sit at the bar and put nuts in my jar and I say "Man, what are you doing here?!!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I like big nuts and I cannot lie!"

"Who you gonna call??... Nutbusters??"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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            Sometimes you don't!

            Almond Joy's got nuts!

            Mounds don't!"

...with apologies to Leo Corday, Leon Carr, Joey Levine, the Peter Paul Candy Mfg. Company, and their successors.

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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Gathering nuts in May is a cute song, but it's June!  Now put that *%(+$  down and help!

Mike Perry, Eden

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