jou_squirrels_wizard_061220

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, June 17

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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While I continue to work from home, I won’t be in the office to accept mail-in entries. I’m afraid it’s electronic submissions only for now until further notice. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Last week’s cartoon was the Wizard. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – The squirrels.

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WINNER

“It never looks as good as it does on InstaGram.”

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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RUNNERS-UP

“Make a veggie burger that tastes great? Impossible!”

Bill Furlow

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“Why can’t you use an Instapot?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Less salt!”

Lynda Perry, Eden

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“I guess it’s true that a watched pot never boils.”

David Core, Greensboro

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“You’re working from home?”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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“I really admire the way you work. Perhaps someday you could teach me how to spell!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“My power bill is going to skyrocket.”

Bill Wallace

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“I’ve got enough hand sanitizer now. Turn this  batch  into vaccine.”

Barbara Brown , Greensboro

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“I’m hungry. When do we eat?”

Jeraldine Bailey, Greensboro

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)

“Merlin used to let me lick the spoon!”

Tim Tribbett

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

What good is that wand if you have to keep calling Amazon?

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

When I come up with a cartoon idea, I try to think of different captions that could go with it. I was thinking more technology-related captions, like these ...

     Internet is STILL down.

     Time to ugrade to pot 4.0

     Call tech services.

    Try rebooting.

     Forget it. I'm calling Amazon!

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JR. WINNER

I’ve done it! I’ve created Covid-19!                                          

Miller Long, 12 years old

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THE REST

The wizard adds his magic potion to make the Covid-19 disappear!

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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Forget the eye or newt, just get the soup on the table!

Doris Clapp, Julian

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While us knights are quarantined, I took up wizardry.

Potion? What potion? This is soup from Costco.

Killiorum Covidillium!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“I would swear that smells like vegetable soup!”

Tim Tribbett

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"I love this hot-tub prototype!"

"Thanks for heating my bath-water, wiz."

"Wish that worked for my love-life."

"Your abra is losing some of its cadabra."

"Could you add some herbal scent?"

"With you, I don't need no stinkin' water heater!"

"I just love those tiny bubbles!"

"I'll be the best-smelling monarch around!"

"This will do wonders for my hangover."

"I dub thee 'Merlin, the royal water-boy'."

"Better living through alchemy!"

Bill Wallace

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"Go outside, then come in and try the command again."

Yvonne Williams, Greensboro

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"I've got enough hand sanitizer now.      Turn this  batch  into vaccine."

Barbara Brown , Greensboro

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"Could you give my toilet a royal flush?"

"You're better than David Copperfield!"

"Can't you just conjure the dirt off of me?"

"You make this a Magic Kingdom."

"Don't forget the rubber ducky."

"That's nice, but gold would be better."

"Why not just conjure up indoor plumbing?"

"I hope that's not the cooking cauldron."

"How about a blonde in a bikini?"

Bill Wallace

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Sorry Sire,  all my hexes live in Texas.

Jana Darling, High Point

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Just remember this-  I'm allergic to eye of newt!

Hey?  Don't forget the parsley this time!

I love your cabbage soup.  But by the bowl, not the cauldron!

Not so much salt this time.

Mike Perry, Eden

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Do you really think this will stop the pandemic?

Less salt!

Can you conjure up "hope?"

At last- a "love one another" elixir!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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I'm going to the store.  You need anything?

Mike Perry, Eden

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What we really need is a cure for the common plague!

Mike Perry, Eden

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If things don't improve, I know an "out-of-work" wizard that could use a job.  He goes by the name of Gandalf!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I know you're a wizard and all that, but just how do you heat a cauldron  without fire?    

Mike Perry, Eden

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1. PRESTO!!  It’s a cure for the virus. Your kingdom will be saved.

2. Supper is ready,  your majesty.

3. I am practicing my audition for “ America’s Got Talent”.

4. Maybe this will help keep the palace warm, sire.

5. The Queen requested hot water for her afternoon tea.

6. That’s the last of your enemies.

7. The Wicked Witch of the East is now a Hot Mamma of the West.

8. I never was very fond of the palace joker.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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There's been a huge outbreak of hogwarts!  Anything you can conjure up to help?

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Why can’t you use an Instapot?”

Tim Tribbett

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“The queen is complaining about the sulphur smell!”

Tim Tribbett 

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“Perhaps if you stopped using it for laundry too.”

Tim Tribbett

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"I told the Queen this was not a sauna!"

" Will well done be ok?"

"Close your eyes, make a wish,

the Queen went shopping,

And this is a fish."

"Are you sure one dipping will cure coved-19."

"I heard the  Queen scream and rushed right down."

Janice Y. Smith, Greensboro

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“When you're done fix some soup.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Merlin used to let me lick the spoon!”

Tim Tribbett

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I'm sorry about your problem.  But with the shutdown, you'll have to let your staff go!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I know you get tired doing this.  So, why don't you sometimes sit down for a spell?

Mike Perry, Eden

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I really admire the way you work.  Perhaps someday you could teach me how to spell!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I hate to interrupt, but I didn't know if you knew. but last night your were Tolkien in your sleep.

Mike Perry, Eden

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I don’t care if they are an endangered species we must have “Wool of bat”.

Mike Ballard, Greensboro

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It's not the brew that impresses me.  It's the fact you do it without fire!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Let's upgrade that from a queen to a king."

"Don't forget the 'Poof!' sound effects."

"I'm glad you got your plumber's license."

"I'm on to you - you dumped Alka-Seltzer in there."

"The sheriff of Nottingham will be green with envy!"

"Now conjure up a privacy screen."

"What - no waterslide?"

"This feat will get you Wizard of the Week!"

"My power bill is going to skyrocket."

"I'll name that aroma English Leather."

"My guest, Sir Elton John, is a royal pain."

"....and one of those drinks with a little umbrella."

"Give it a lilac boost, but keep that under your hat."

"After Ann Boleyn's tragic hair-dryer accident, I'll be free to remarry."

 Bill Wallace

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“Merlin let me lick the spoon.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I need something for a nasty rash.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Merlin let me lick the spoon.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I need something for a nasty rash.”

Tim Tribbett

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1. Soups on !

2. Wash Day!

3. I think these beans have cooked long enough!

4. Care for a taste?

Tony Bean, Danbury

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I'm glad you're back.  That must have been one heck of a staff infection!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Make a veggie burger that tastes great? Impossible!

Bill Furlow

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Eye of newt, tongue of snake are okay, but how about trying a little fat of chicken for a change?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Hey, take a break and I'll order us a drink;  What's your poison?

Mike Perry, Eden

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When you're done, make sure to have it spell-checked!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You know we have a micro-wave, don't you?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Is it soup yet

Rob McCue, Greensboro

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Boil Boil toil and trouble? Don’t you mean Abra Cadabra?

Rob McCue, Greensboro

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Merlin and King Arthur conjur up the very first hot tub.

Rob McCue, Greensboro

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"I'm hungry. When do we eat?"

Jeraldine Bailey, Greensboro

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"Are you sure this vaccine is going to work?"

Tom Krissak, Greensboro

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“Can you make the peasants smell better?”

Tim Tribbett

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The chef is ill, and you've done well. But perhaps we could have just one night of bologna and cheese?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"That doesn't look like chicken soup."

"I distinctly asked for watermelon."

"That's not Waterford crystal."

"I hope that water didn't come from the moat."

"I guess that's what's known as potable water."

"Now transfer it into small bottles."

Bill Wallace

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" When is your audition for the potion network?"

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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"This batch of sterilizer goes to the highest bidder."

"Are you sure this frog legs  and lizard gizzards  brew will work against the corona virus?"

"So the White House called again for  your recipe?"

Janice Y. Smith, Greensboro

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" Ala-ka-zam, ala-ka-zoo please give his majesty something productive to do."

" All the king's horses and all the king's men, dismantle I say, so people can be happy again."

Carlos D'Agostino, Greensboro

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I saw the hickey on your wife.  I didn't know you were a neck romancer!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You lost your cook, your valet and butler.?   I guess in these times its hard to let your staff go!

Mike Perry, Eden

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#1:    "Dilly dilly!"

#2:    "Where is Harry Potter when you need him?"

#3:    "Is it soup yet?"

#4:    "Wow!  That's a lot of sleep inducer!"

#5:    "Couldn't this have waited until winter?"

#6:    "Ah!  What ever happened to good old Frogmore Stew?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

“Will that vaccine be ready soon? I think I’ve got it!”

“Quit being so dramatic, it’s only water.”

“Remember, I need a king size dose.”

“You need to quit waiving that stick and stir.”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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The best thing about your brew is that you use no added preservatives!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“The peasants are revolting. Make them smell better!”

Tim Tribbett

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“The last wizard failed me. Rest his soul.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Help...my son is into women who wear glass slippers!”

Tim Tribbett

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“What the...that smells like soup!”

Tim Tribbett

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Have you found the cure for the common plague yet?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Not to alarm you, but I received an job application from Harry Potter today!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Where’s your apprentice ?

Could this be magic ?

When will this batch of Grey Poupon be ready ?

Make the Grey Poupon ! Don’t conduct a symphony !

Up to your usual tricks, I see

Shouldn’t there be broomsticks around ?

Is my bath ready ?

Is the Love Potion #9 ready ?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“Can you undo a social media post?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Should have warned me EVERYTHING I touched would turn to gold.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Can you make something to get rid of politics?”

“The queen asked you to make a memory potion for me?”

“Can you turn that into toilet paper?”

“That’s not a very effective moat.”

“So this will be ready at warp speed?”

“You’re working from home?”

“My feet are killing me.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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I guess it's true that a watched pot never boils.

Do you think fondue is wise given this virus going around?

No soup for you. Next.

I said spell, not smell.

Let me add the spaghetti. Please, please let me.

David Core, Greensboro

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Alakazoo alakazam. Its a lagasse recipe. Ka bam.

It needs more salt. A dash of a dash of that.

I'm afraid that i still can't make the queen prettier.

Henry Hoover Burlington

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“My son has a thing for women in glass slippers! Fix it!”

Tim Tribbett

"Methinks thou doest over-dress too much!"

"Thine costume must be a tax write-off."

"So Carl Sagan designed your costume?"

Bill Wallace

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“ Can you to make an ill advised tweet disappear?”

Tim Tribbett

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"That sure smells funny.  Hope so because I need a caption!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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“I want to know who put the ‘lance me’ sign on my armor!”

Tim Tribbett

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"Maybe you should switch to trying to find a cure for the Uncommon Cold."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"What's the chance of us just having plain chili tonight?"

"It never looks as good as it does on InstaGram?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Why does it never look as good as it does on InstaGram?"

"It never looks as good as it does on InstaGram, does it?"

"It never looks as good as it does on InstaGram."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"What's the chance of us just having plain chili tonight?"

"It never looks as good as it does on InstaGram?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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Look, Wizard, how long does it take to wash a load of clothes?

What good is that wand if you have to keep calling Amazon?

You need to do your laundry on your own time.

The Queen had better look better when she comes up.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

I’ve done it! I’ve created Covid-19!                                          

Miller Long, 12 years old

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

Heard this a long time ago, and it's still funny!

Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?

Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

Mike Perry, Eden

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A wizard walks into a bar........

A wizard walks into a pub and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the

witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?”

Mike Perry, Eden

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Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

Mike Perry, Eden

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How do you call a wizard that works with political marketing?

Propagandalf.

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST POEMS

Black & Blue Magic

Using his wand and a brand new incantation

Merlin is helping Arthur enjoy his stay-cation.

The king is going to drown all of his troubles

by relaxing in a tub of floral-scented bubbles.

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The queen isn't aware of this luxurious perk;

once she finds out about it, she'll go berserk.

She'll steal Sir Lancelot's famed battle-mace

and do serious damage to King Arthur's face.

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Arthur will be ridiculed in queen-anger jokes,

his authority questioned by common blokes.

An event so embarrassing, he'll not be able

to subdue the laughs from yon Round Table.

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The queen's street cred would probably rise

after delivery of this unforeseen big surprise.

Besotted wags would then undoubtedly dub

this combative Royal a true Queen of Clubs.

Bill Wallace

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Magic Man

In merry old England, just after the Dark Ages,

a sorcerer emerged and made the front pages.

His specialty was providing live entertainment

while sporting retro-opulent show-biz raiment.

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This was a time when most were uneducated,

leaving them open to scams and being baited.

He was compelling; they all wanted to believe,

naively denying he had anything up his sleeve.

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Knowledge of chemicals gave him a big edge,

and terms of gibberish were seen as a pledge.

Using words like 'abracadabra' and 'alakazam'

cemented his legend as a leading magic man.

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He hypnotized royalty, amazed heads of state;

his show was a big draw for well-heeled dates.

Igniting powders that flashed upon awed eyes

left audiences thrilled and gasping in surprise.

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Alchemy was his calling, a science long dead;

was convinced he could make gold from lead.

Were he here today, not an entry in Wikipedia,

he'd be a superstar on all of our social media.

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This figure of history was called simply Merlin;

we won't forget, you can bet a pound sterling.

He'll remain at the forefront of past magicians,

unless he opts to disappear from that position.

Bill Wallace

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A magician jumped up really high,

While an iguana just started to cry.

       There’s a leaping wizard

       And a weeping lizard

That seem very funny if you try.

 Jim Ertner, Greensboro

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Hear ye!  Hear ye! 

I have a new pot of my witches brew.

Try it.

The king likes it and so will you.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

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Said the King, "Merlin, I've got a notion –

Here's an idea for a new potion.

       Just one sip, and it might

       Make a chicken take flight.

We can call the stuff, 'Poultry in Motion'"

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Abbra cadabbra, Allakazam

He was a wizard but not the best in the land

He couldn't do what the king wanted him to do

So the king  banished him to the land of moo.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

With his hands up high the wizard gave out with a sigh

The Queen came up out of the water and looked ugly as before

The King said you know I'm not well pleased

And sent the wizard out the door running toward the trees.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

When will this batch of Grey Poupon be ready ?

Make the Grey Poupon ! Don’t conduct a symphony !

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"That sure smells funny.  Hope so because I need a caption!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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Be careful with that wand, the guy last week still has to wear a bag over his head.

Last week he had to put a bag on his head. What did you do to him this week?

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

There's been a huge outbreak of hogwarts!  Anything you can conjure up to help?

Mike Perry, Eden

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No soup for you. Next.

David Core, Greensboro

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"Dilly dilly!"

"Where is Harry Potter when you need him?"

"Ah!  What ever happened to good old Frogmore Stew?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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"So Carl Sagan designed your costume?"

Bill Wallace

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BEST/WORST PUNS

I really admire the way you work.  Perhaps someday you could teach me how to spell!

I hate to interrupt, but I didn't know if you knew. but last night your were Tolkien in your sleep.

I saw the hickey on your wife.  I didn't know you were a neck romancer!

When you're done, make sure to have it spell-checked!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Sorry Sire,  all my hexes live in Texas.

Jana Darling, High Point

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BEST EARWORMS

Sorry Sire,  all my hexes live in Texas.

Jana Darling, High Point

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