jou_sack-head_lollipops_052920

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, June 3

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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While I continue to work from home, I won’t be in the office to accept mail-in entries. I’m afraid it’s electronic submissions only for now until further notice. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Last week’s cartoon was the lollypops. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – Man with sack on his head.

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WINNER

“You’ve been in quarantine, haven’t you?”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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RUNNERS-UP

“I suggest social distancing from children.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Says he gave up smoking.”

Andrew Evans

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“I lived under the couch until recently. Where

do you live?”CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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“You’re lucky everyone is wearing a mask these days.”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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“That was no cave!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Maybe being sweet isn’t such a good asset.”

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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“I’ve been played for a sucker!”

Bill Wallace

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“They got a new puppy next door."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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“I feel like such a Dum Dum!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I hope he gets a cavity.”

Tim Tribbett

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)

Tim Tribbett was on a roll. Mike too …

“I know when I’ve been licked.”

Tim Tribbett

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“New here?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Face masks sure protected MY health!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Mom! I know you love me, but enough with the ‘kiss it and make it better’ philosophy!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I wish I was like you!  Sugar Free!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions. The cavity caption was my personal favorite, Bill had his own take on that one too.

"I got the last laugh by giving him a cavity."

Bill Wallace

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

When I come up with a cartoon idea, I try to think of different captions that could go with it. Here are a few I came up with that are a bit different from the ones you sent in.

It’s raining outside.

She was a great kisser!

Dad, was I adopted?

I went to the barber to have a little taken off the top.

I can’t help it, I’m delicious!

I really wish I was flavored something other than cherry

You’ll shrink too as you get older, sonny!

I just got out of the shower.

My diet is really working.

I had candy-reduction surgery.

I just got a dog!

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THE REST

“I think you might be carrying this social distancing thing a little to far!”

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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“It’s Déjà Vu all over again.”

 Robert B Jr Morgan

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“Sucks to be me.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He sucked the life out of me”

Eleanor Long Greensboro

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He was calling me names, and when I stood up to him-  well I guess I just got licked!

...and so I pulled his finger.   What a sucker I am!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I discovered it's a mistake to tell jokes if they really suck!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“That was no cave!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Life wears you down.”

Tim Tribbett

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I'll tell you this-  I'm never going back to Willy Wonka's!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I don’t want to be a stick in the mud!”

Tim Tribbett

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Let me give you a piece of advice.  Never join the Lollipop Guild!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I told him there was no Tootsie Roll center, but he didn't believe me.

They will take you for some kind of a sucker.

So great-great-great-grandpa was in 'The Wizard of Oz?"

Ken Sheldon , Elon

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No, it’s not better than wearing a mask.

Jess Grassi

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"That was the worst tongue-lashing I ever got!"

"Now I'm a Mini-Me."

"It's no fun being down in the mouth."

"I've been played for a sucker!"

"I think it was a cave because it was dark and wet."

"I've been down-sized!"

"I tried to resist, but I got sucked in."

"Working at a bank can be dangerous."

"I made the mistake of getting in his face."

"I got the last laugh by giving him a cavity."

"Today went by lickety-split."

Bill Wallace

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I found out about women!  You think you're a lollipop. but you end up a sucker!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I was playing where the bon bons play on the sunny beach at peppermint bay!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I should have done better with my social distancing.”

“I’m lucky he wasn’t a biter.”

“The running saved my life!”

“You’re lucky everyone is wearing a mask these days.”

“Be thankful for what you have, you can’t get it back!”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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“I know when I’ve been licked.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I hope he gets a cavity.”

Tim Tribbett

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"I wanted to protest, but I was tongue-tied."

"The guy from KISS did this to me."

"I was barely able to stick it out."

"It turned out to be an all-day job."

"There are worse things than being imprisoned in a piñata."

"Just call me Timex. I can take a licking."

Bill Wallace

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“My new puppy licks my face.”

Tim Tribbett

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Who did it?   Sparky!.  Why'd he do it?  He thought it was delicious.

What did I learn?  Don't  asleep in a room with chocolate on your mouth in the presence of a St.  Bernard!

Mike Perry,

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 “Wouldn’t a COVID-19 mask be more effective?”

“True, that’s better than a COVID-19 mask”

“You can come out now; tax season is over”

Ken Waldron, GSO

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It was horrible and wonderful.  Disheartening yet exhilarating,  We're going out again tonight!

Mike Perry, Eden

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What does an aging lollipop use to walk?     (Wait for it!)

Mike Perry, Eden

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I guess I could reclassify as a dum-dum.

Mike Perry, Eden

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1.  Are you my pop?

2.  I thought life was  a bowl of cherries, not a stick of 'em.

3.  So you only give licks, but you can't take 'em, huh?

4.  What's your secret to survival?

5.  The last thing I saw was a giant tongue!

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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I really can't recall very much, except he had something against Shirley Temple!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I feel like such a Dum-dum!

Mikie Perry, Eden

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I'm not sure who it was, but he looked a lot like Willy Wonka!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Why does it go from day to night every few seconds?

Peter Miller

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If you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

I can't believe you fell for that scam, what a sucker.

Finally, I could get a haircut.

David Core, Greensboro

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"I used to have a case of the big-head too."

"Suck it up? That's what led to this!"

"Too much face-time."

"The kid got mouthy with me."

"....plus, he kept talking over me."

"Fortunately, he wasn't a biter."

"I lost in a head-to-head competition."

"I kept yelling 'Red means stop!'."

"It was a bad day - I got a lotta lip."

"My resistance just melted."

"I got a close-up view of his tonsils."

"That really sucked!"

Bill Wallace

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"That Kirby kid was named after the vacuum cleaner!"

"I stuck my head in to say hello and it was lights out!"

"It was like a 10 minute crash-diet."

"Then he just threw me down on the sidewalk!"

"Now I look like an overweight match."

"If I were you, I'd stay under wraps as long as possible."

"This is what I get for being all wrapped up in myself."

Bill Wallace

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"Lollypop, lollypop, ooh la-la-lollypop...."

Bill Wallace

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"Wear a Mask?  NEVER!  What kind of sucker do you think I am?"

Janice Y Smith, Greensboro

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"I know it gets a bit sticky but I DON'T recommend the hydrotherapy."

"The hydrotherapy did get rid of the stickiness but......."

Daniel Stein, Greensboro

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“Always check the forecast for rain.”

Tim Tribbett

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Mom!  I know you love me, but enough with the "kiss it and make it better"  philosophy!

Mike Perry, Eden

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1. Daddy, am I a sucker?

2. I’ll never grow up to be big and strong if Mom keeps licking me.

3. Maybe being sweet isn’t such a good asset.

4. The dog found me laying on the floor and tore off my wrapper.

5. That kid is licking me to death—-slowly.

6. You must have been in the bottom of the candy jar.

7. Yuk, I wish they wouldn’t let the dog lick me.

8. With this virus problem, one lick and we’re History.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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“It was indescribable, Pops.  Let’s just say I’ll never be the same.”

Julie Crescenzo, Jamestown

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After what I've gone through,  you should have named me Timex!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Several of us went swimming in a heated pool last night.  At least it was a pool when we went in.  When we got out it was a sucker punch!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Why didn't you ever tell me not to go swimming in a heated pool?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Don't tell dad, but he was right.   When you go to the gym, avoid the steam room!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I got  a part in that new Shirley Temple movie-  "On the good ship Lollipop!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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Who did it? A girl, of course.   I'll tell you this- only a girl can turn a strong, strapping guy into a Dum Dum!

Mike Perry, Eden.

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I'll never date another one.  Girls are just fun filled little lollipops triple dipped in psycho!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“ The boss gave me a real tongue lashing.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I never get an even break.”

Tim Tribbett

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I wish I was like you!  Sugar Free!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I guess I just couldn't handle my licker!

Mike Perry, Eden

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But Dad, you should see the other guy!

Arista Shelton, Greensboro

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I sure took a lickin' today!

David Shelton, Greensboro

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Here are this week's captions:

"It looks like you've taken a licking."

"I try to stay at the bottom of the candy bag."

"So you've been down in the mouth lately...."

"Well, you made some child happy after getting a shot."

"It looks like you left a bad taste in someone's mouth."

"He just about finished you up."

"I hate it when they just take a little off the top."

"I see what I have to look forward to - not."

"She left you for a candy bar ?"

"You just have to suck it up."

"I hate it when they call us suckers."

"The grape ones always go first."

"Life is just a bowlful of us cherry lollipops."

"At least you didn't get stuck to a shoe."

"Weren't you scared of those big teeth ?"

"At least you got her to stop crying."

Debra Watson, Eden

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“New here?”

Tim Tribbett

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Get a haircut you hippie.

That does it , your new diet starts today.

David Core, Greensboro

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I took a lickin but I’m still tickin

Billy said I tasted like Grey Poupon

Do you think Tim will get us in the paper this week ?

I was at Tim’s. That’s why the paper mixup

Tim’s sugar went sky high

And they said I didn’t have a leg to stand on

You missed a great party

The cat on the witness stand is guilty of licking

I am the runt of the litter

I got passed around on the last day of kindergarten

What’s with all this virus stuff ?

I took my head out of the sand and look what happened

They stuck it to me

I think I’ll take a nap

It’s your turn to feed the kids

What will become of me ?

Closed casket !

Just don’t get the virus

Are you 6 feet away ?

Don’t opt for the ventilator

I don’t think the hydro chloroquine is working

My visit to the nursing home did not go well

Bats !

I visited the nursing home

It’s your turn to go to the nursing home

I just got back from China

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“I’ll need to buy another size hat.”

Tim Tribbett

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"They got a new puppy next door."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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I took a lickin but I kept on tickin

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“You’re next to take your licks”

Craige Reavis, Eden

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I admit I was wrong!  I'm not going to sugar coat it!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I’ve got to stop taking showers.

I got a very friendly dog.

This job is taking a lot out of me.

Never ever visit a day care during snack time.

I wish I had hair.

I thought I could take a lickin and keep on tickin.

Being a popular flavor sucks.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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" I got sucker punched."

" This sucks!"

" Quit lolli- gagging around."

#1:    "The neighbor's dog threatened me in his worst way possible, by licking me to death!"

#2:    "Hi, Pop!"

#3:    "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here!"    ...with apologies to Bob Dorough and Schoolhouse Rock TV.

#4:    "Lollipop, lollipop,

            Oh lolli lolli lolli, lollipop, lollipop,

            Oh lolli lolli lolli, lollipop, lollipop,

            Oh lolli lolli lolli, lollipop.

            Pop!"

...with apologies to Julius Dixson, Beverly Ross, and the Chordettes.

#5:    "There's a sucker born every minute!"

...with apologies to P. T. Barnum and/or the true original source(s) of this quote, as this is in doubt.

#6:    "Did they ever solve the mystery about how many licks it takes to get to the chocolate middle of the Tootsie Roll Pop?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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I told you to leave the sauna when I did.

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley,AZ

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I heard ah-1, ah-2, ah-3 and then that dang owl took a bite out of my head!

If you're the lolli-pop am I the lolli-son?

There was no stopping Tootsie. She was on roll.

Stop calling me dum-dum.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff,AZ

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Want to know how many licks it took to make me This Size?

I GUESS I'm just a little sucker.

Jean Brockman, Pleasant Gardens

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As far as anyone else is concerned, I fell asleep in the sauna!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“This sucks.”

“I fell on the floor next to the dog.”

“Your best bet is to head to West Virginia.”

“You can call me Lil Lolli.”

“You’ve been in quarantine, haven’t you?”

“They still don’t know how many licks it takes.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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“Ironically there’s no sugar coating this.”

Tim Tribbett

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“The face masks may save you.”

Tim Tribbett

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1- Look at me this is what saliva can do.

2- You all-day suckers brag about your longevity.

3- What does the adjective lolli mean?

4- Aren't we suppose to be wearing masks?

5- Did my mama look like me?

Max Harless, High Point

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“Face masks sure protected MY health!”

Tim Tribbett

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“I suggest social distancing from children.”

Tim Tribbett

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“You never see the tongue with your name on it.”

Tim Tribbett

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“You never see the tongue with your name on it.”

Tim Tribbett

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"I can't quite remember your name; it's right on the tip of my tongue."

"Do you get locked up in the licker cabinet at night?"

"Did a blonde person take all day to lick on your wrapper?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"I lived under the couch until recently.  Where do you live?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Just because someone got choked on me does NOT make me a Lolli'gagger!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Says he gave up smoking"

Andrew Evans

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!"

Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent.

"Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The noble dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog,

"You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?"

"Nonsense," says the dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll make off of these suckers tomorrow!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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What does an aging lollipop use to walk?     (Wait for it!)

Mike Perry, Eden

Um ... candy cane?.


BEST POEMS

Sucker Shock

This lollypop just experienced something very tragic,

which caused him to shrink down like voodoo magic.

One minute, he was safe and secure inside a piñata,

the next, he was telling his acquaintances sayonara.

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He remembers falling and then an awful commotion;

after that, he was paralyzed and without locomotion.

After regaining consciousness, logic had gone south;

he felt himself trapped in a little kid's churning mouth.

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He wondered what happened that he had lost favor;

it was simply a matter of possessing the right flavor.

Small kids learn early to associate color with a taste;

that simple common life-lesson had led to his waste.

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But as he grew smaller inside the tyke's manic maw,

the kid perceived a lessening of flavor inside his jaw.

And so, without so much as a 'thank you' or 'so long',

he was spit out unceremoniously back into a throng.

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But he is grateful he survived this horrendous event;

feels it was enlightening and maybe time well-spent.

If he encounters some kid whose lips start to pucker,

he'll run like hell and avoid being the hapless sucker.

Bill Wallace

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Candy Crisis

There are two types of candy having yummy flavors;

some are eaten quickly, the others are best savored.

The ubiquitous lollipop occupies that latter category,

and is the main character in this factual, weird story.

 

There aren't many candies that are affixed to a stick;

it's a feature that helps you avoid wolfing it too quick.

Without this support, which serves as a steady base,

you'd have no protuberance sticking out of your face.

 

Imagine if you will, a lollipop which lacks this feature;

that would make for a very different looking creature.

A little round disk protected by a cellophane wrapper;

the identical candy, but lacking a convenient adapter.

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The process of consuming it would certainly be icky;

unless you've put on gloves, fingers might get sticky.

Once in your mouth, you'd have a tendency to chew;

at risk of chipping a tooth, that's something not to do.

 

Another peril which you might end up sadly invoking

would be the chance of sudden, spasmodic choking.

The Heimlich maneuver would be your saving grace;

the uneaten disk would come shooting out your face.

 

To avoid these and other unpleasant strange scenes,

you'll be required to demand one single, simple thing.

Facing an array of lollipops from which you must pick,

be sure to choose one of those perched upon a stick.

Bill Wallace

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Cherry lollipops - I've got a hunch

Boys and girls love to suck them a bunch.

     Though it isn't a crime,

     There is many a time

They’ll be finished off by a big crunch.

Ken Sheldon, Elon       

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

“It’s Déjà Vu all over again.”

 Robert B Jr Morgan

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Billy said I tasted like Grey Poupon

Do you think Tim will get us in the paper this week ?

I was at Tim’s. That’s why the paper mixup

Tim’s sugar went sky high

The cat on the witness stand is guilty of licking

I took my head out of the sand and look what happened

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

I'll tell you this-  I'm never going back to Willy Wonka's!

Let me give you a piece of advice.  Never join the Lollipop Guild!

I'm not sure who it was, but he looked a lot like Willy Wonka!

I really can't recall very much, except he had something against Shirley Temple!

Mike Perry, Eden

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So great-great-great-grandpa was in 'The Wizard of Oz?"

Ken Sheldon , Elon

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"Now I'm a Mini-Me."

"The guy from KISS did this to me."

"Just call me Timex. I can take a licking."

Bill Wallace

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I took a lickin but I kept on tickin

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"Did they ever solve the mystery about how many licks it takes to get to the chocolate middle of the Tootsie Roll Pop?"

#5:    "There's a sucker born every minute!" )...with apologies to P. T. Barnum and/or the true original source(s) of this quote, as this is in doubt.)

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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“They still don’t know how many licks it takes.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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BEST/WORST PUNS

Several of us went swimming in a heated pool last night.  At least it was a pool when we went in.  When we got out it was a sucker punch!

I guess I just couldn't handle my licker!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Just because someone got choked on me does NOT make me a Lolli'gagger!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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BEST EARWORMS

"Lollypop, lollypop, ooh la-la-lollypop...."

Bill Wallace

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I was playing where the bon bons play on the sunny beach at peppermint bay!

Mike Perry, Eden

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#3:    "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here!"

...with apologies to Bob Dorough and Schoolhouse Rock TV.

#4:    "Lollipop, lollipop,

            Oh lolli lolli lolli, lollipop, lollipop,

            Oh lolli lolli lolli, lollipop, lollipop,

            Oh lolli lolli lolli, lollipop.

            Pop!"

...with apologies to Julius Dixson, Beverly Ross, and the Chordettes.

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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