jou_bug-computer_bowling-marriage counselor_040320

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, April 8

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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Due to the fact that I will be working from home mostly during the next few weeks due to the coronavirus, I won’t be at the office to retrieve snail mail. (Sorry, Joey.) In the next few weeks, only email entries can be considered.

Last week’s cartoon was the bowling pin and ball getting marriage counseling. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – Bugs on the computer.

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WINNER

“We should have known it wouldn't work out.”

Henry Hoover, Burlington

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RUNNERS-UP

“He takes up all of my spare time.”

Bill Wallace

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“He hits on my co-workers!”

Tim Tribbett

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“It’s really hard to relax around him.”

CC Cockerham, Greensboro

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“I thought we were made for each other.”

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“Sorry, a 7-10 split is not reconcilable; file for divorce.”

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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“I fell for him the first time we met.”

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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“I try to stand up to him.”

Mari Reavis, Eden

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“Our reset button is broken.”

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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“I said I was the only one for him.  But then I found out he had a spare!”

Mike Perry, eden

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)

I caught him looking at PIN up dolls!

Robbin Smith, Greensboro

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Our relationship is really hit or miss.

David Core, Greensboro

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He bowled me over at first sight!

Tom Loughlin, Jamestown

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Every time I get up, you knock me back down!

Ann Grassi Leonard, Greensboro

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"I'm tired of bowling every Friday night!"

Debra Watson, Eden

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Every time I get up, you knock me back down!

Ann Grassi Leonard, Greensboro

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

Well, we met in some dark alley...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

When I come up with a cartoon idea, I try to think of different captions that could go with it. Here are a few I came up with that are a bit different from the ones you sent in.

When he comes around my friends scatter!

I come from a big family.

He says I’m a seven, but I think I’m a ten-pin!

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THE REST

He bowled me over at first sight!

Tom Loughlin, Jamestown

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We split up all the time, Doc, but we've been spared so far.

Mike Perry, Eden!

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Sure!  We've split up many times, but a day is coming where we won't be able to pick things up!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Life can be rough and tumble, but until now we've always been spared!

Mike Perry, Eden

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It's  embarrassing, Doc.   Every time we go out, she ends up in the gutter!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“He always bowls me over, but sometimes I worry about a split!”

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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I can’t get him to stop knocking me down.

Jess Grassi, Greensboro

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I so often feel really struck down by you.

Thanks for all your work. This a favorite go to section for me each Friday.

Jim Killacky

Thanks, Jim!!

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 ”Opposites attract, but that doesn’t mean you are compatible!”

”Have you thought about striking out on your own?”

”Spare me the detail, let’s get down to business and see if there is  hope that he can get out of the gutter!”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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"It looks like we're headed for a split."

"He won't stay in his lane."

"She has no attention to spare for me."

"A hole in his head? He's got three!"

"I can't stand the way he rolls."

"I have trouble standing up to him."

"I was bowled over by him when we first met."

"Sometimes he threatens to strike me."

"You need a scorecard to keep up with his affairs!"

"His mind stays in the gutter."

"I think he's trying to set me up."

"He has me bouncing off the walls!"

"He thinks he can run right over me."

Bill Wallace

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“He wants to split.”

Tim Tribbett

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“His mind is in the gutter!”

Tim Tribbett

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“We need a reset.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He’s not rolling over me anymore.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He likes to hit it and quit it!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Oh, please spare me!”

Tim Tribbett

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“He likes to hit it and quit it!”

Tim Tribbett

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“He needs to slow his roll!”

Tim Tribbett

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“I try to stand up to him”

Mari Reavis, Eden

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“He keeps knocking me around “

Mari Reavis, Eden

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“I’m afraid we may split over this”

Craige Reavis, Eden

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 “I’m trying to spare him from winding up in the gutter “

Craige Reavis ,Eden

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“He needs to slow his roll!”

Tim Tribbett

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I'm just tired of getting knocked around!

Mike Perry, Eden

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He's abusive just because I won't tell him my PIN number!

Mike Perry, Eden

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When I met him, he was quite striking. But now his mind is in the gutter!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I’m tired of getting hammered.”

“I’m tired of being one of his ten wives.” 

“He bowled me over when we first met but now he’s always in the gutter.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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I keep getting beat up, but he tells me that's my true purpose in life!

Mike Perry, Eden

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He gets furious with me.  He keeps asking me for my PIN number, and I tell him number 8!

Mike Perry

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"I thought he was right up my alley."

"He's always trying to go through my pockets."

"He calls me a pin-head."

"He takes up all of my spare time."

Bill Wallace

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He has been Striking me!

Cherry Hershey, Greensboro 

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Unfortunately,  the only way to turn your split into a spare is with a hard knock.

Mary stalnaker, Reidsville

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Every time I get up, you knock me back down!

Ann Grassi Leonard, Greensboro

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I told him if he strikes me again, it's over!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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His mind is always in the gutter.

Can I help it if I like to hang out with my nine friends?

He's 16 pounds, I'm three and a half. What can I do?

He found he likes duckpins better.

I saw him looking at some candlepins. I can't look like that!

He wants me to split.

I know he's cheating - I found Grey Poupon in his thumb hole.

Well, we met in some dark alley...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Our marriage is in the gutter.

Our relationship is really hit or miss.

David Core, Greensboro

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Speaking for my sister wives, he won’t stop knocking us down.

Brian Greene, Greensboro

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He needs to stop knocking me down all the time.  (This one is from my husband, David Wallace)

He has a compulsive problem, He’s constantly hitting on the other ladies in my group!

Nancy Wallace, Greensboro

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“She says I’m an oddball but she is a pinhead!”

Carla Blaine, Greensboro

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“Originally I found him striking, but now I feel pinned down in the relationship.”

Phil McNeill, Greensboro

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were all keen bowlers.

However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled!

Mike Perry, Eden

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If he strikes me one more time ...

Rob McCue, Greensboro

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He is violent, he struck me and 9 of my friends

Rob McCue, Greensboro

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I was just standing there and he bowled me over.

Rob McCue, Greensboro

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“I don’t think she has the right to roll me over.

“Would you believe we met in a dark alley.”

“She won’t let me grow a beard.”

She’s always putting a crazy spin on things.

 Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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We should have known it it wouldn't work out

We met in an alley.

He stays in the gutter all night long.

It looks like we are going to split

We're striking out.

I caught him in the wrong lane.

He has a spare girlfriend.

Henry Hoove, Burlington

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Sometimes we just don’t have the connection!

Bibha Patnaik, Greensboro

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He always tries to strike me, but sometimes he spares me.

When we first met he set me up.

We first came and talked to Rev. Joey, and he told us to talk with you.

Joey Pellino

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“I can’t take his constant abuse anymore.”

Dean McBrayer, Jamestown

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1. I fell for him the first time we met.

2. He blames his splits on me so I want to split with him.

3. If we split up maybe his splits will come down.

4. After 9 strikes I’m the one that stayed up in the 10th frame.

5. I am sick and tired of being knocked down by him.

6. Spare me from his strikes and help us split up.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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“He hit on nine of my closest friends!”

Bruce Aglio, Kernersville

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I don't know why he strikes me so much?

He's been on a downward curve since he gave up LUCKY STRIKES?

All she ever talks about is wanting a TURKEY, not a foul!!! 

All I wanted him to get was a nice wax job!! 

Robbin Smith

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"I knew what I was in for when we got married... but I don't think I can be knocked down One More Time."

"He thinks he's so holy and everything."

"He's had his holes replugged, ya know."

"And he said 'You're going bald.' "

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"...Then he said 'I'll do it when I get 'round to it... get it??' and He LAUGHED!!"

"He doesn't like the people I hang out with."

"He wants me to practice Social Distancing from my friends while I am at work."

"And tonight he comes home talking 'bout how some man insisted on handling a PB&J sandwich before every throw... like he thinks I couldn't tell..."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"His head is too big for his britches... literally."

"His head is too big for his britches... literally, but he blames me that his clothes don't fit."

"His idea of a good time is hanging out in the alley every night."

"Why is your desk on the outside of your office?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Doctor I need help.  He strikes me 12 straight times and he thinks he's perfect."

Mitch Poole, Mt. Juliet, TN

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"One more 'old ball and chain' joke and I am Done!"

"He's pretty much on the rack till people can touch his face again."

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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"No matter how you look at him, he always looks surprised that he hit anything!!"

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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"I may fall down a Lot, but I Always get back up."

"He's always happy when I fall down, even if it's one of my friends that pushed me."

"I know the score.  Yet he always tells me 'Baby, just don't split.' "

"He hits my friends, too; then he says 'Baby, just don't split from your friends'."

"Don't you think it's weird that he says 'Promise me you won't split up with your friends.' ?"

"Why does he keep asking me to not split with my friends?"

"It's like he's always keeping score."

"It's Really hard to relax around him."

"And Sometimes he has one of his friends come after me!"

"I would Love it if we Ever just spent a nice, quiet evening alone."

CC Cockerham, Greensboro

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”Opposites attract, but that doesn’t mean you are compatible!”

”Have you thought about striking out on your own?”

”Spare me the detail, let’s get down to business and see if there is hope that he can get out of the gutter!”

”Spare me the details, let’s get down to business and see if we can get him out of the gutter!”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro           

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“He turned out to be just another gutter ball”.

Julian Busby, M.D. High Point

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OOps... couple more submissions:

Just spare us the lecture!

Every time he's around I get a SPLITing headache!

He's in a League of his own!

I caught him looking at PIN up dolls!

He's been in a downward spiral since he gave up his LUCKY STRIKES!!

Robbin Smith, Greensboro

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I don't know why he strikes me so much?

He's been on a downward curve since he gave up LUCKY STRIKES?

All she ever talks about is wanting a TURKEY, not a foul!!! 

All I wanted him to get was a nice wax job!!

Robbin Smith, Greensboro

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"All I did was to ask him to keep his mind out of the gutter."

Daniel Stein, Greensboro

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" Our reset button is broken."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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I told him, “three strikes and you’re out!”

Norma Blakley, Reidsville

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His mind is always in the gutter

Rob McCue, Greensboro

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I stood up to him but he knocked me down

Robert McCue

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"I'm ready to split"

Charlie Brummitt, Greensboro

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“Sorry, a 7-10 split is not reconcilable; file for divorce”

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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“Of course the split has knocked the pins out from underneath you!”

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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Why are we here?  Yesterday was our 25th, and he decided bowling night was more important.

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Spare me the details, we need to strike some motivation in your husbands heart, to get him out of the gutter!”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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1) I’ll spare you the details since we split.

2) He said I was a 10, then I found out there were 9 others that looked just like me!

3) He keeps score of everything I do.

 Brady Rosenbluth

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We're trying to avoid a split!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“We need a reset.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He never hits on me anymore.”

Tim Tribbett

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"He has control problems.  He's either hitting me, or is in the gutter."

Philippe Wiener - Greensboro

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“He hits on other pins!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Criticism just rolls off him.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He used to make my knees wobble.”

Tim Tribbett

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“We met in an alley.”

Tim Tribbett

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"You know how something is down your alley ? He's not !"

"He's just not down my alley."

"I married him because he said we'd have a ball together."

"He's hitting on other pins !"

"His life is in the gutter."

"He doesn't strike me as fun anymore."

"He doesn't think I should spend time with my girl pins."

"I've fallen for another ball."

"He just wants to knock around."

"I'm not the one who wants to keep score !"

"I've fallen out of love with him. "

"I'm really to stand up to him !"

"He always leaves me when I'm down."

"I'm tired of bowling every Friday night !"

"I wish he'd take me out to the ballgame."

Debra Watson, Eden

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"We first met in an alley...."

"He keeps me in a defensive frame of mind."

"He'll strike out on a trip, then return immediately."

"He keeps on ranting nonsense about rolling a turkey."

"He has a fixation on the number 300."

Bill Wallace

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I get knocked down,

but I get up again

because you're never gonna keep me down

I get knock down ...

Mike Perry, Eden

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Just when I think things are going to get better, he strikes again and I end up in the gutter!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I said I was the only one for him.  But then I found out he had a spare!

Mike Perry, eden

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 He is so hurtful.  When someone asked what his handicap was,  he said me.

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm tired of being the chain!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“He’s just not up my alley.”

Tim Tribbett

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Every time I get together with friends, he blows up our party.

Jim Donnelly

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“He’s always putting me down”

Vicki Sparrow, GREENSBORO

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He denies using violence on me.  But I've got him on film-  frame by frame!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Here’s the deal doc – living with her is like poking my eyes and nose out while banging my head on the floor and she just stands there.

Susan Jackson, McLeansville

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Doctor I need help. He strikes me 12 straight times and he thinks he’s perfect.

Mitch Poole, TN

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No matter how you look at him, he always looks surprised that he hit anything!!

Patsy Sadler, AZ

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One more "old ball and chain" joke and I'm done!

My parents warned me that he came from the wrong side of the racks

Mandy Tadder, AZ

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You do know that from the outside the lettering on your door is backward. (??)

There is a lot of violence in our relationship.

The only time we get along is when he’s in the gutter.

I’m so tired of his come and go attitude.

The first time I saw him I was bowled over.

He keeps crashing my night out with my nine girlfriends.

I’m very regimented and he’s not.

His idea of a good time is chaos.

He says his papa was a rolling stone.

We first met in an ally and we hit it off immediately.

He’s pushy and rude to my friends and me.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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She's out of my league!

He's been hanging out with a spare ball.

He always goes home with some old bag.

I've heard he's been going to the Brooklyn side more often than usual.

His owner's a sandbagger!

He smells like shoe spray!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“We want a split.“

Tim Tribbett

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“He hits on my coworkers!”

Tim Tribbett

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“I can't just roll with it like him.”

Tim Tribbett

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"He tries to avoid me by sneaking down an alley."

"He attacks my friends and then frames me."

"He's a master of the hit-and-run technique."

"When I complain, he says he's just the messenger."

Bill Wallace

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"His mind is always in the gutter"

"Spare me, honey"

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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#1:    "Lately, there have been too many spares and not enough strikes!"

#2:    "When we first met, he just bowled me right over!"

#3:    "The only times we ever see each other is when he accidentally crashes into me!"

#4:    "He's accused me of not practicing social distancing with other pins!"

#5:    "He gladly loaned me his bank card, but he wouldn't trust me with his PIN!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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All he wants is Grey Poupon

Look at his color ! Grey Poupon diet

I thought we were made for each other

He always has his head in the gutter

He doesn’t knock me over like he used to

He is so hard headed

He won’t lighten up-too much Grey Poupon

He used to be such a knockout

But he’s got holes in his head

He calls me dead wood

But I’ve managed to keep my shape over the years

He keeps knocking on wood

I’ve taken my share of hits

Well, I’m still standing after all the abuse

He hit on me

He spared me

He keeps stringing me along

Well he did call me a 10

He thinks 300 is his credit score

He never has any spare time

He got his color from Grey Poupon

I was the last one standing

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"He's always knocking me down."

" He's got one more strike; then I'm gone."

" He's never has any spare time for me!"

Carlos D'Agostino, Greensboro

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#6:    "He didn't even tell me about his moonlighting on Bowling For Dollars!"

#7:    "I'm not sure in which one of her holes I should place my pin!"

#8:    "He's such a gutter ball!"

#9:    "She's always trying to break me!"

#10:    "People would think we go so well together!"

 Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.

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“When the split happened, he chose the 7 pin over me.”

“Well...in the beginning when we met, I was just bowled over.”

Randy Thrasher, Durham

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This gutter ball thinks I’m going to fall over for him!

Susan Weimer, Greensboro

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

Two bowling balls roll into a bar.  The bartender asks them what they want to drink.  One ball says, “I’ll have double bourbon and a beer chaser.”  The other ball says,” I’ll just have a club soda.”  The bartender says, “ You must be on the wagon.”  The ball replies, “ Yeah, it’s career move.   I’ve been spending too much time in the gutter.”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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BEST POEMS

The bowling ball and pin are seeking advice;

he knocked her down not just once, but twice.

He feels that roughness is a part of their lives;

she says that's nothing but a big pack of lies.

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If he really loved her, he wouldn't set her up;

he wouldn't abuse her just to win some cup.

She's not a whiner, doesn't like to complain,

but she wishes he'd learn to stay in his lane.

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Otherwise, the relationship won't be spared;

he wouldn't let that happen if he truly cared.

Without her, he'd just roll around and mutter;

wind up just another errant ball in the gutter.

Bill Wallace

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These two go at it hammer and tong;

violent events that last all night long.

The deed goes down in a local alley;

when it's over, they'll conduct a tally.

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One gets the glory, the other abuse;

there's not an apology or an excuse.

It's all considered a part of the game;

if offended, you're in the wrong lane.

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Maybe you're more the passive sort,

and abhor the violence of this sport.

Maybe you're right, but it's not a sin

for a bowling ball to crash into a pin.

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So turn your head, avoid this clash;

you aren't a redneck or trailer-trash.

You deem this game to be uncouth;

insist on denying its one basic truth.

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The laws of physics are sacrosanct;

you can take that story to your bank.

When a bowling ball careens at pins,

there's little doubt about who will win.

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Have no pity for those mowed down;

heroic icons who stood their ground.

Faced with one shot or maybe a pair,

they had valor and courage to spare.

Bill Wallace

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There was love at the bowling alley

Between Bud the ball and a pin named Sally.

   It was a romantic scene so sweet,

   When he swept her off her feet,

And added a strike to a bowler’s tally.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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When they first met he knocked her down.

She looked up and saw his face

And said "I've got a case"

But then she said he looks just fine

I'm gonna make him mine.

Joey Pellino

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The bowling Ball went straight down the lane

But missed everything insight

And said "I got one more chance

I'll make things right."

Joey Pellino

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Said the pin, "It's been foul, quite a bit.

But it strikes me that he won't commit.

       I had thought that we could

       Be just like double wood,

But I think it is time we should split.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

I know he's cheating - I found Grey Poupon in his thumb hole.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Last week they marked us with chalk.

We first came and talked to Rev. Joey, and he told us to talk with you.

Joey Pellino

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"Why is your desk on the outside of your office?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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You do know that from the outside the lettering on your door is backward. (??)

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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All he wants is Grey Poupon

Look at his color ! Grey Poupon diet

He won’t lighten up-too much Grey Poupon

He got his color from Grey Poupon

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

None?

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BEST/WORST PUNS

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were all keen bowlers.

However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"...Then he said 'I'll do it when I get 'round to it... get it??' and He LAUGHED!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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My parents warned me that he came from the wrong side of the racks

Mandy Tadder, AZ

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BEST EARWORMS

I get knocked down,

but I get up again

because you're never gonna keep me down

I get knock down ...

Mike Perry, Eden

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