jou_dandelions_coffee-cat_080919

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 081419

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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The writing-captions-for-the-pet-picture worked pretty well; we got a lot of good entries. We’ll try again in the future. Submit your funny pet pic to the Joke’s On You. (Please make sure it’s something fun or quirky, not just a random snapshot of your snookums.)

Have a funny photo of your pet you’d like to see in “Joke’s On You?” Submit a funny picture of your pet to have others write captions for it. Just email the image to jokesonyou@greensboro.com

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Last week’s cartoon was – the cat and coffee mug photo. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for – is the dandelions.

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WINNER

“I just can’t waste another one of my lives at this stupid job.”

Don Kennedy, Greensboro

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RUNNERS-UP

“That can isn’t going to open itself, you know.” --- Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

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“Never say ‘Bright eyed and bushy tailed’ before my coffee!”

Tony Bean, Danbury

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“Isn’t anyone going to clean the litter box?”Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“I only drink decaf now, caffeine makes me jumpy.”

James Petraglia, High Point

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“Did you put coffee in my cream?”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“I take catnip with my coffee!”

Lynda Perry, Eden

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“Don’t ask, of course I’m going to knock it over.”

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

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“Thumbs would be nice.”

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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“You can stay, but that dog has to go.”

Bill Wallace

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

“One meowcchiato ... extra cream”

Dawn Martin, Greensboro

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“This better not be Decaf!”

Tony Bean, Danbury

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“Hey, Bartender, hit me again."

Martha Golensky, Greensboro

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Just decaf please. I'm  only getting 18 hours of sleep a day!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I don’t have any idea where those kittens came from

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

"So ... have you given any more thought about my request for a pet hamster?"

Kristi Luther, Greensboro

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I'm waiting for you to look away so I can bat this cup off the counter.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff,AZ

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

Whose drapes does one have to shred to get some service around here?

Good coffee. I left a tip for you in your shoe.

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JR. WINNER

Did I get the job ?

Adam Reese, 9, Lexington

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THE REST

"I just can't waste another one of my lives at this stupid job."

Don Kennedy, Greensboro

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I'm no good until I've had my cat-ffeine.

Marcia Berger

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Why, yes I have purr-fected my coffee with my picture on my cup!

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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“One meowcchiato... extra cream”

Dawn Martin, Greensboro

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In pet news today, catnip prices are up.

Hey! Quick yacking and deal the cards!

I think I'll have the tuna surprise.

This time, I'll take just the cream, hold the coffee.

I'd like to talk about a common problem: Hairballs.

When I get sick, I go to Summerfield Veterinary Hospital.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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1. Without my coffee I feel like a dog!

2. Never say "Bright eyed and bushy tailed" before my coffee!

3. This better not be Decaf!

4. Needs More Milk Please!!

5. Any chance there's a shot of catnip in this?

6. OHHH MEOWWWW!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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Put that costume on me, and I'll poop in your bed.

Ahem - there seems to be a lack of Friskies in my bowl.

Isn't anyone going to clean the litter box?

What's the deal? You changed from whole milk to skim?!?

I don't care if you are vegan - I NEED MEAT!!!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"You may refer to me as 'Your Highness'."

"Humans bore me."

"Are you talking to me?"

"Unless you have Meow Mix, we have nothing to discuss."

"Can I borrow your laser pen?"

"You're lucky - I don't do interviews very often."

"You can stay, but that dog has to go."

"I just bought a set of speakers with no woofers."

"I demand a pay-raise of fresh fish!"

"It must be humiliating having a pet smarter than yourself."

"A strong cup of Joe is needed after a long nap."

"Another round, please."

"My Siamese friend introduced me to herbal tea."

"Put some money in the kitty, or the curtains are history!"

"I'm using the dog's head as a bar-stool."

"What?! You want to see my ID?"

"I don't do mice - call an exterminator."

"If you hear a lot of barking, it's because I locked the dog out."

"Admit it - no dog can be this cute!"

Bill Wallace

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OK, face it, people. It only steeps tea; my face is perfect to a tee.

Who has the prettier mug?

I don't have to paint my mug up to be gorgeous.

I was born perfect.  It had to be painted up.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

"My picture in the paper is just a start, I'm aiming for a YouTube video."

David D., Winston-Salem

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That moment you realize you’re just a cat in a dog’s world.

David D., Winston-Salem

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“I prefer Milk in Limoges”

Marilyn Gideon, Greensboro

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My vet will scream, but make mine all cream.

You are sooooo pretty in the morning.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

“YOU WANTED SOMETHING?”

 Phil Koch, Greensboro

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Cream, please!

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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How you like my Tux?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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I cannot handle this!

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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Dog gone it, we're out of cream!

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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"I must have strong coffee as soon as I wake up, or I go back to sleep."

Harvey Herman, Greensboro

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I said decaf, not declaw!

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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I'd like to mug the rat who squealed on me !

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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I made it from scratch!

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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You wanna see a pretty mug?  Just look at this face!

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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This cup's for this cat to take a nip.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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What a purrfect blend !

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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Okay, what has 'he' tweeted now?

Terry Hayworth, Oak Ridge

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 “Hey, Bartender, hit me again."

Martha Golensky, Greensboro

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I'm waiting!

First, I'll wait!  Then I'll pounce!!

I take catnip with my coffee!

I need a catnap!

Just the cream, please.

I don't care a lick about coffee.  Just gimme the cream!

Cream would be purrfect.

Lynda Perry, Eden

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Hey you!  Yeah,  you!!  Don't make me come up!

I'll have the coffee and cream.  Hold the cream!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Hey buddy!  I need a drink.  Where's your bathroom?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Where's Schrodinger's cat?  I thought I saw him just a second ago!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Be careful handing that to me.   I don't do touch-feely, I do scratchy-bleedy!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“What time did you get home last night, young man?”

“That’s not MY hair on your clothes!”

Sue Leslie, Blackstone, VA

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I think you and I need some kind of "rapprochement," and it begins with mice, fish or a small bird. 

Mike Perry, Eden

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You don't mind if I give some chocolate to that dog next door, do you?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Hey You!  Just a reminder!  my subscription to "Mice Illustrated" runs out this month!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm not having a hissy fit,  I'm just mildly irritated by all your choices!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You can tell all that from a cursory cat scan?  All you had to do was ask!

Mike Perry, Eden

You should read it, it has everything important to society-  consciousness, history, social interaction, sex, but mostly- cats!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'd like the canary appetizer before the stewed-shrew and iced-mice.  Oh, and fill my coffee cup too,

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'll have the catnip sausage,  the stewed mouse, and my master- just give him a bone to gnaw on!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“When you miss the litter box; no double catnip expresso for you.”

Nick Lubchenko

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“I like a strong cup of Joe to wash down my mice.”  

"Bring on the canary!"

David Shelton, Greensboro

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"I heard Garfield comes here, and I'd like to meet Arlene."

Arista Shelton, Greensboro

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1. Hurry up and take the d—- picture.

2. Listen, Rickard, this is not a laughing matter.

3. Nine lives!!  WOW!! That’s the cat’s meow.

4. I’m a lover, BUT not of coffee.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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Don't ask, of course I'm going to knock it over.

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

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I only drink decaf now, caffeine makes me jumpy.

James Petraglia, High Point.

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I've become somewhat of a social pariah since you gave me that canine ringtone!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"So…have you given any more thought about my request for a pet hamster?"

Kristi Luther, Greensboro

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I've got my bib, now where's my food?

I've washed my paws.  Now take my order.

Take their orders.  It's all on me - I won the lottery.

I've washed my paws.  Now bring me my food.

I'm just contemplating the state of the world.

I'll have my coffee black.  I'm on a diet.

Don't you ever wonder about the state of the world?

I'm on my way to Cat Haven for Seniors.

I've earned this grey hair.

Bring my lunch.  I've meowed long enough.

I'm hungry.  Bring the goldfish bowl.

I'm worn out from stalking a mouse.

I'd like a cup of Catnip Tea - I need a pick-me-up.

Pursuing that mouse wore me out.  I'd like a cup of Catnip Tea.

No Catnip Tea for me.  Doc says I've developed a dependency.

I'll have a salad with a mouse on the side.

I'm head of the board at Feline Union Mouse Psychology.

Norma Kay, Greensboro

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You remember my idea for catnip-flavored espresso? Well, guess how that turned out?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Where's the cream for my coffee ?"

"Good and morning don't go together."

"I was chasing mice all night."

"Did I see my carrier in the hallway ?"

"You'd better not be planning to take me to the vet !"

"So I woke up on the wrong side of the sofa...."

"It's time for another nap."

"Didn't you hear me meow for my breakfast ?"

"How about scratching me up a little breakfast ?"

"I need a caffeine fix."

"I want something fishy for breakfast."

"What do you mean we're out of treats ?"

"Where's my bowl of milk ?"

"Turn your back and I'm on the table !"

"You just can't get good service around here."

Debra Watson, Eden

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“Seriously. My coffee with no cream.”

G.A. Rilling, Madison

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I only drink decaf now, caffeine makes me jumpy.

James Petraglia, High Point

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I want some more coffee and I want it right meow,  uh sorry,  now!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Give me more coffee and no one gets hurt!

Mike Perry. Eden

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Just decaf please.  I'm  only getting 18 hours of sleep a day!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Yeah, I know, I know. The cup, not the pot.  I'll do better next time!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Five down, one to go!

Mike Perry, Eden

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#1:    "Hey!  What happened?  I'm not a cartoon!  I'm real!"

#2:    "It's going to take more than one cup of coffee to wake me up!"

#3:    "Hi!  My name is Mittens!"

#4:    "You know, some catnip would be good right about now!"

#5:    "Good morning!  Welcome to CNN, the Cat News Network!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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I'm Walter Cron-cat, and that's the way it is.

Now this life insurance policy will cover all nine lives, not just one.

What do you mean, you are thinking about getting a dog?

I'd like to talk to you about who really rules this house.

You did WHAT with that mouse I brought you as a present?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"I'm planning a surprise attack on your ankles."

"I hope you woke me up from my nap with something to eat."

"My opinion of humans? They haven't finished evolving."

"Dogs are pets for those who don't know better."

Bill Wallace

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"So send for my new CD, " From the back alley to the catbird seat." Only $19.95 if your owner's money."

J. sparrow

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What's a fella got to do to get a refill around here?

Terry Mills

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I actually prefer Starbucks White Mocha Frappuccino!

Dave Sheets

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I don't always drink coffee, but when I do I drink Kopi Luwak.     Stay thirsty my friends

I'm waiting for you to look away so I can bat this cup off the counter.     

I'm Walter Cron-cat and that's the way it is.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff,AZ

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I tell ya, partner, I ain’t  drinking from no devil cup.    

They said belly up to the bar but mine don’t reach.

Oh the devil with it.  Gimme a cup of catsup and a side of catnip.

I wouldn’t drink out of that  cup even if I did have thumbs.

Honestly isn’t that the ugliest cup ya ever saw?

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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“Um...about your new leather couch.”

 Tim Tribbett (not an official entry..but you should have seen what he did to my leather office chair!)

Not a fan of the media attention, huh?

Just one more cup.  Please!

Did you put coffee in my cream?

We need to talk about your coffee making skills.

My cup does NOT runneth over.

I traded the dog for this great cup.

I don't know where the dog went.

Speaking of your missing hamster.

Did you just blame me for the missing hamster?

Decaf is not cat appropriate.

Trust me.  I'm immune to caffeine.

That last caffeine frenzy was not my fault.

It's so cute that you think I care.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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After spending this time with you, I've concluded I've only got 8 left!

Mike Perry, Eden

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What ever happened to saucers?

I never understood crying over spilled milk.

Cathy FitzGerald

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"My morning coffee makes for a "purrfect" day."

Andee Gable, Greensboro

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Wow! That coffee woke me up.  I tell you this- no more 18 hour naps for me!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Where's your cup?  Well, it was just sitting there!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Cat walks into a cat bar with a man & just sits there. Cat barkeep finally sez, “What’s wrong, buddy, man got your tongue?”

Mike Perry, Eden

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Yes, Moneypenny.  I  would like another one.  But this time shaken, not stirred.

Mike Perry, Eden

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Ah . My morning coffee

Both Tims let me do it. It must be ok

But Tim lets me put my elbows on the table

Where’s my 9 Lives ?

It looks like after today I will only have 8 left

I’ll just have a little nip

How about a little service here ?

I held this pose long enough. I need a nap

How long do I have to belly up to the bar ?

And I want to have fries with that

Grey Poupon. Straight !

I’m listening

Well if this isn’t just the cat’s meow

If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it

This coffee is going right through me. Where’s the litter box ?

Don’t start with me. I’ve had a bad hair day

Where’s the beef?

You are looking at one cool cat

I prefer the house to the alley

I didn’t do it. I have an alibi

I don’t have any idea where those kittens came from

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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1. And another thing…

2. I’m glad we had this little chat.

3.  You’re in my spot.

4. That can isn’t going to open itself, you know.

5. Have you no idea the number of dumplings in the litterbox?

Hello Tim. We have 6 cats. They complain a lot. Love the pic!

Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

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FYI, I'm not really a cat.

Look into my eyes and do as I command.

This is my, "Touch my cup and die face".

Pour me a cup and let's talk about my needs.

Pour me a cup and I'll tell you what the dog did today.

Look at these eyes.  Do you really believe I smacked the dog.

Tell that stupid beagle to stop sneaking up on me.

That stupid dog scared eight lives out of me.

Would it kill you to serve a nice catnip tea.

We're out of catnip tea.

I'm a cat.  Do you really think I care?

I think we have mice.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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You got anything the chef dragged in?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Where was I last night?  Oh I was at the bar with the guys, knocking down a few drinks.

Mike Perry, Eden

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“How about a hairy wallbanger?”

“No coffee?  No mouse catching.”

“Did you say hairball or highball?”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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Well, I'm here!  What more do you need? A booming sign that says "FEED ME!!!!?

Mike Perry, Eden

Yeah! I saw it on TV last night.   That Andrew Lloyd Webber guy is weird!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Yeah, I got canned again today.  But don't worry, I always land on my feet!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I have to admit, adding Grey Poupon does make it a Fancy Feast.

Jon, you've GOT to do something about Odie.

Dilbert, as the Evil H.R. Director, I have to tell you: You're fired!

Let's see - between Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt, I prefer Newmar.

Are you going to eat that bacon, or just gonna let it sit there?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"Purrfect"

Regina Williams, High Point

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"I'd like a little coffee with my cream, thanks."

Larry Parrish,  Eden

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Don't talk to meow, till I have my coffee.

Regina Williams, High Point

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"Thumbs would be nice."

"I guess you're all wondering why I called you all here together."

"I'm here to talk about something Very Special..... Tuna."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Look.   We don't mind the clever cat captions and t-shirts... in fact, we're flattered..... we just want in on the royalties!!!!"

"What's the deal with thinking We can't Spel??? Cheezburgrs?  COME'ON."

"Our panel discussion today will be about 'Dogs:  Do we Really Need Them?' "

"I'm here on the Maury show to find out if the Kittens are MINE!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Do I really look like this when I get up in the morning?"

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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"I'd like to talk to you about something serious:   Litter Box Care"

"I'm here today to discuss the topic 'If The Litter Box isn't Clean, Ain't NOBODY Happy'.  Thank you"

"Folks!   Many, many of us LOVE being indoor pets.... good food, good company, good shelter.... But Can Ya Help Us Flush OUR TOILETS????  Thank you."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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Please Mr, President, no tariffs on my food.

Jerry Greene, Greensboro

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Can we talk

Cat talk with Fred the cat

The mouse expert

Can’t sleep

The cat analyst

Straight talk with Fred the cat

Service!

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

Did I make the job ?

Did I get the job ?

Adam Reese, 9, Lexington

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” JOKES

A cat walks into a bar and sits down.   The bartender asks "Whaddaya have?" And the bartender  replies "A shot of rum."  The bartender pours him a shot, slides it over to the cat.  The cat looks down, then smacks it off the bar onto the floor.  The bartender looks puzzled. The cat says "I'll have another!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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A man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist

Mike Perry, Eden

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Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar........and doesn't!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Cat walks into a cat bar with a man & just sits there. Cat barkeep finally sez, “What’s wrong, buddy, man got your tongue?”

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST POEMS

Of the vet, this cat's really afraid!

"Price is Right" says this can't be delayed.

       Now his day's become darker!

       Both Drew and Bob Barker

Say, "Get your pets neutered and spayed.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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MENSA Pet

Here's a cute specimen of the feline type;

he's very down-to-earth, doesn't like hype.

Keeps things simple, a snack and a nap;

is always on the lookout for a vacant lap.

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Zooms from zero to sixty in nothing flat;

was a character in a book about a hat.

Has a dual personality, both lover/killer;

is 100% self-centered, with no faux filler.

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He's loyal and protective, just like a dog;

hunts like a predator, sleeps like a log.

Will make you laugh at his cute antics;

considers canines to be very pedantic.

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So if you feel brave, unafraid of attack,

this sweet little fur-ball has your back.

Don't try to out-smart him, it's useless;

you'll end up looking like a dumb doofus.

Bill Wallace

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I’ve had my milk and that is nice

Now they want me to go out and catch mice

But Mickey Mouse is a friend of mine

I’ll just go back and sleep till nine

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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“The cat and the mug.” That will be my title

when I get on the news and become a star

It’ll be better than last time

when my head got stuck in a jar.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

"Hey!  What happened?  I'm not a cartoon!  I'm real!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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Both Tims let me do it. It must be ok

But Tim lets me put my elbows on the table

Grey Poupon. Straight !

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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I have to admit, adding Grey Poupon does make it a Fancy Feast.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

Where's Schrodinger's cat?  I thought I saw him just a second ago!

Yes, Moneypenny.  I  would like another one.  But this time shaken, not stirred.

Yeah! I saw it on TV last night.   That Andrew Lloyd Webber guy is weird!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I heard Garfield comes here, and I'd like to meet Arlene."

Arista Shelton, Greensboro

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Jon, you've GOT to do something about Odie.

Dilbert, as the Evil H.R. Director, I have to tell you: You're fired!

Let's see - between Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt, I prefer Newmar.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"What's the deal with thinking We can't Spel??? Cheezburgrs?  COME'ON."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro