jou_wolf-grocery_dragons_051719

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 052219

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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A FAVOR …

Due to an “upgrade” (why are they even called that?) to our email system, I’ll have to ask everyone who sends by email to make sure your text is formatted as “plain text,” as opposed to HTML text or Rich text.

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Last week’s cartoon was  – the dragons. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for -  is the wolf in the grocery store.

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WINNER

“You know I don’t like canned meat!”

Steve Ashworth, High Point

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RUNNERS-UP

“Did you check the expiration date on the bottom?”

Tim Tribbett

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“You have to take it out of the wrapper first.”

Steven Lantz, Greensboro

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“I don’t like the crunchy ones.”

Philip Blue, Pleasant Garden

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“Once you get them unshelled, they’re delicious!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“You expect me to believe that he just followed you home?”

Bill Wallace

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“But the doctor said I need more iron in my diet!”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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“Don’t you just love these new heat and serve meal packages!”

George A. Boschini, Greensboro

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

 “No thanks, it’s too early for a late knight snack.”

John Bayersdorfer

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“I don’t like you playing with violent toys”

Steven Lantz, Greensboro

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How many times have I said " Don't play with your food"!!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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Hey look we've got Prince Albert in a can.

Rick Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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Thanks for the toy, dad.

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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Take your toys and go play outside.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville.

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions. I liked the originality of these.

Did you say his name is Sir Pringles?

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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I'll trade you two Knights Templar for your Rosicrucian!

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

I had in my more technology-related captions in mind - around the subjects of streaming, DVR, binging, smart TV, etc.

No captions this week, I think you guys covered everything I was thinking of – and then some.

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JR. WINNER

“Is that my new pet?”

Angel, 9, Gillespie Park Elem.

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JR. RUNNER-UP

What flavor is he, and has he expired?

Chris, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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THE REST

"First, you have to take it out of the can".

Jerry Kidd, Greensboro

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“Where’s the canned opener?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Did you check the expiration date on the bottom?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Remember to recycle the armor.”

Tim Tribbett

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Do you have any toe jam to go with that?

Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

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“No thanks, it’s too late for a knight snack”

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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“These canned ones stay fresh a long time.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Ow! I think a broke a crown!”

Tim Tribbett

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"You know I don't like canned meat!"

Steve Ashworth, High Point

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Now Jr. take your little armored man out and play, but be gentle!

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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“Is this BPA free?”

Tim Tribbett

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No No!  Put him down!  He's the mail man!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Put the armor in the recycling bin.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I think that was Sir Lancesnotmuch.”

Tim Tribbett

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Taking a knight won't give you royalty...

Larry Miller. Greensboro

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 “No thanks, it’s too early for a late knight snack”

John Bayersdorfer

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Hey, buddy!  You should be proud to share an experience with Bruce Lee-  you're about to enter the dragon!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You simply rip his head off, put a bulb in it's place and "Voila!"   You're owner of a real knight-light!

Mike Perr,  Eden

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I don't like the crunchy ones.

Philip Blue, Pleasant Garden

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 “But the doctor said I need more iron in my diet!”

“You can have him. The last one left a metal taste in my mouth.”

“Be careful, It’s hot!”

Rusty Morgan/Greensboro

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Ketchup?  You want to put ketchup on that?   Look out, chain mail and condiments don't go well together!

Mike Perry, Eden

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No! I don't happen to have a can-opener!

Mike Perry, Eden

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 “Don’t you just love these new heat and serve meal packages!”

George A. Boschini, Greensboro

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"Would you like this one well done or extra crispy?" 

"Yay! It's time for firing practice!"

Randy Shelton, Reidsville, NC

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"You rotate him, I'll provide the flame."

David Shelton, Greensboro

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"Now what? A can opener hasn't been invented yet!"

Arista Shelton, Greensboro

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Why don't you listen to me? Sweetheart, I asked if you could take me out at night...not, if

you could bring me a knight tonite!

No thanks...I'm cutting back!

When I said we needed a "date night"  THIS, is not what I had in mind!

Take it back - I asked for peeled and welldone!

Shannon Gist-Caldwell, Greensboro

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No, you can not have a pet.

Sorry sir, no exchanges or refunds.

Henry, I asked you to bring me a knife.

David Core, Greensboro

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Rare, medium or well done?

Jack Thornton, Summerfield

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I know, I know!  It's so much easier but we've  got that stove and to  tell the truth eating like this gets old!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Don’t heat up dinner until I go find the can opener”

Duane Bryant

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“You have to take it out of the wrapper first”

Steven Lantz, Greensboro

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"You can have it. The crunchy shell always gives me heartburn."

Ron Nichols, Greensboro

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“I don’t like you playing with violent toys”

Steven Lantz, Greensboro

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“Thanks, but those things give me indigestion.”

Steve H., Elon

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No thanks!  I only had room for a couple of knights!

Mike Perry, Eden

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OH1  I see you received more chain mail!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I told you not to throw away the toolbox.  That someday you would need it.  But you wouldn't listen to me!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Once you get then unshelled, they're delicious!

Mike Perry, Eden

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No!  I don't think armor is recyclable!

Mike Perry, Eden

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This one is canned!  Couldn't you find one that's fresh?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Now all you need is a king and queen to complete your chess set."

"No, you can't keep that - put it back where you found him."

"This is the best anniversary present ever!"

"Looks like we'll have a good knight."

"We'll call it the Sir Lancelot petting zoo."

"More take-out from the Round Table Restaurant?"

"They're pretty tasty once you crack the shell."

"A hostage? I'm thinking more like a sausage!"

"First you fell in love with a donkey, and now a knight?"

"They're not worth the dental bills they cause."

"Good - we need more iron in our diet."

"What do you mean, catch-and-release?"

"How do you know if it's Lancelot if you didn't raise the visor?"

"A pet? Do you know how much these things eat and poop?"

"You expect me to believe that he just followed you home?"

"OK, but only if you promise to feed him and clean up after him."

"These tin-men are really rough on my gums!"

Bill Wallace

"If you're going to play with your food take it outside."

Jonathan Sparrow-Greensboro

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I think the  Crusade is starting.  Isn’t that their scout?

Yes   You may keep him but remember....you have to feed him and clean up after him and  potty train him!

You peel that one.   I’ll go get a few more

I think I hear the Crusaders coming!  I’m so excited!

I think the Crusaders are coming.   I’d recognize that clink/clank anywhere.  

Now don’t start the fire quite yet.   Gotta find some veggies.

Pasty Sadler, Chino valley, AZ

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I said let's go out for dinner tonight not go get a knight for dinner.

He says he's Arthur  King of the Britains.(  Other dinosaur) King of the who?

Damn we don't have a can opener!

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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Rare, medium or well done?

Hey look we've got Prince Albert in a can.

Rick Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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Put it back in the chess set where it belongs.

Call the missing persons bureau.

Seat him at the round table.

He's from another century.

I think someone's cheating at chess. Put him back on the board.

He's some little boy's favorite toy.

He stumbled off the board.

He's a duplicate.  Someone's cheating at chess.

That's Richard the Dragon Slayer.

Let go and run for your life.

Put him back on the chess board and take your move to the left.

Don't eat him.  You might break your teeth.

Norma Kay, Greensboro

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I see you brought me a knight snack.

Gladys Haugan, High Point

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When I said our next mission was to toy with the soldiers, this is not what I meant.

When I said we must soldier on, this is not what I meant.

Only one soldier?  Are you trying to toy with me?

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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1.  One breath, and he's fired.

2.  Sure I'll breathe on  him.  Do you want rare, medium, or well-done?

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

“Sorry, I’ll stop leaving my empties laying around.”

Tim Tribbett

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#1:    "What are you doing with him?  We're dragons, not kangaroos!"

#2:    "You have a really weird way of trying to feel the power of The Force!"

#3:    "Oh!  For Mother's Day!  You shouldn't have!"

#4:    "Well, we can teach him to walk and talk, but fire breathing and flying might be a problem!"

#5:    "I'm not buying this, because I don't believe in humans!"

#6:    "You know that it would be untrue,

           You know that I would be a liar,

           If I was to say to you,

           Girl, we couldn't get much higher,

           Come on baby, light my fire,

           Come on baby, light my fire,

           Try to set the night on fire!"    ...with apologies to Robby Krieger, Jim Morrison,

John Densmore, and Ray Manzarek.

#7:    "You know, if you sing those lyrics, you'll never appear on The Ed Sullivan Show again!"

#8:    "We just did the Ed Sullivan Show!"  ...once again, with apologies to Jim Morrison.

#9:    "Oh!  You got us a guard for the gate!  Good job!"

#10:    "This looks to me to be the beginning of a beautiful super action adventure movie!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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I'll go get the can opener.

So tonight's dinner is Galahad Sir-prize?

See if he could find us some mead.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"You think you can make up for calling me Dragon Lady by bringing me my knight in shining armor?!?"

"Nice try, but I'm a vegetarian..."

"Whatever happened to a simple olive branch?"

"Okay...what did you do wrong?"

"We don't have room for another prisoner of the Holy War!"

"His horse would have been tastier..."

"I said bring me one with meat on his bones, not metal!"

Kris Voy, Trinity

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I'll trade you two Knights Templar for your Rosicrucian!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I see you prefer crunchy over creamy!

mike Perry, Eden

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Hey!  Is that one of those pop tops?

Mike Perry, Eden

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1. Plain or extra crispy?

2. He  should have brought a gun to a fire fight!!

3. It's healthy they are  full of iron!!!

4. How many times have I said " Don't play with your food"!!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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Why are you saving knights?  Are you some kind of crusade or something?

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Potted meat AGAIN?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Let’s use the new can opener “

Chuck Armentrout, Greensboro

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I call this Spam-O-Lot.

You know can openers haven't been invented yet.

Oh great!  We don't have a can opener!

It's my new invention.  I call it Man Spam.

Man Spam, what a catchy name.  Great marketing idea.

I like the soft-shelled ones better.

You have to crack the shell to get to the meat inside.

A pair of nut crackers and some melted butter and we're good to go.

You can cook these new ones in the can.

This is what you were paid for that Game of Thrones gig?

A word to the wise:  this one is peel and eat.

Blow a little fire at his feet and see if he dances.

Let's put him in a wire wheel and watch him run.

The kids are going to love this cute little guy.

If we keep him, you have to walk him.

Do you think he'll use a litter box?

You should collect the whole series.

These live ones are much more fun to play with.

You can keep him, buy you have to house train him.

If you try to eat this one, you're going to break another tooth.

It's so cute.  If you squeeze him he says "Please don't eat me."

OK, so King Arthur gave you this Lancelot guy for free?

We'll just steam him until his shell pops open.

I wonder if there is a pearl inside.

Don't give me that Puff the Magic Dragon crap, I know you found him at Walmart!

His horse would have tasted much better.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Oh boy!  Knight's Delight!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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Is  that one of those new-fangled twist-off tops?

The best way to eat them is to roast them in the shell.

Mike Perry, Eden,

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Oh boy!  Knight's Delight!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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Is  that one of those new-fangled twist-off tops?

The best way to eat them is to roast them in the shell.

Mike Perry, Eden,

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"I wanted a damsel to put in distress."

"Not another knight tonight !"

"I thought he was supposed to be fully cooked."

"I'd like him grilled medium well."

"It's your turn to fire up the grill."

"I ought to fire you for only bringing one home."

"You been toying with the  knights again ?"

"At least I don't have to shell the armor off him."

"You only caught one from all those around the table ?"

"I'm still having heartburn from last night."

"It burns me up to see what little knights you bring home."

"Only one takeout from Camelot ?"

"I wanted a bagful from White Castle !"

"You didn't order any french fries ?"

"I wanted fries with him !"

"What do you mean you made a little friend ?"

Debra Watson, Eden

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I told you to slay something, not bring home a toy.

Ruth Petty, Greensboro

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“ Playtime is over. Quit Dragon your feet and come in for dinner.”

Ruth Petty, Greensboro

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Pour some Grey Poupon on that tasty morsel.

Thanks for the toy, dad.

What’s for dinner?

I see you went shopping.

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“That fake princess decoy was worth every penny.”

Tim Tribbett

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Time to start the fire … Dracarys!

Why are you so attracted to shiny things?

Just once I'd like to eat something that's not out of a can!

He really does make a funny noise when you shake him.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff,AZ

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“Those restless knights are giving me restless nights.”

Tim Tribbett

“That’s not what I meant by a night out on the town.”

“Good knight.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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If that's the guy who chooses the N&R comics, I want first bite.

Did you say his name is Sir Pringles?

OK which barbecue sauce, Lexington or Eastern?

He'll be good with some red slaw and hushpuppies.

I want him Carolina style, mustard, chili, slaw, and onions on a steamed bun.

I bet he's not as good as a Yum Yum hotdog.

Seriously?  You bought just one White Castle slider?

How would Julia Child prepare him?

I'm thinking a nice bolognaise sauce and a glass of Bordeaux.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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"Don't play with your food"

"I'.

"This is for the potluck tonight"

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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"He says he is a dragon slayer. Let's let him give it a try."

David Shoulberg, Greensboro

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That's it! I'm leaving you for Donkey!

I've heard of wanting a night out, but that's ridiculous!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“Put the empties in the recycling bin.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I’m so full I couldn’t eat another knight.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I think I chipped a tooth.”

Tim Tribbett

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“They did say to bring a covered dish.”

Tim Tribbett

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"Momma said there'd be knights like this."

"Is this what they call a hard outer shell?"

"If this is a hard outer shell, do you think it'll have a soft chewy inside?!"

"Canned Food Again?!?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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Don’t forget to put your toys back up when you are through with them.

I used to collect them until they started rusting.

Take your toys and go play outside.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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"I think he's supposed to be Tyrion Lannister."

"Is Daenery Targaryene your Mom too?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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You don't need an opener.  It's a twist-off!

Mike Perry, Eden

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There's only one way to eat it, you idiot!  You barbecue it!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Give him to me!  I will luv him and squeeze him and pet him and call him George!

Mike Perry, Eden

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SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

Shouldn’t we cook it first?

Zander Ritchy, 13, Kernodle Middle School

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Submitted by Louise Monroe, Gillespie Park Elem.

Here's dinner, dude.

Not another toy; throw it in the back.

Quinton, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Hey, I'm going to take my Barbie doll to do a fashion show!

N.G., age 10, Gillespie Park Elem.

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I say it's feeding time.

A.W., age 10, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Is that my new pet?

Angel, age 9, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Here's your shining food.

Fabian, age 9, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Is that for both of us?

I'd rather eat you.

That's not going to puff me up.

Anthony, age 12, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Why do you have him? Put him down now! Gooooood.

I told you to get toys, not people! Put him down.

Deaveyon, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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What flavor is he, and has he expired?

You take half, and I'll take the other.

We're going to have scrambled knight for breakfast again.

You forgot about the milk.

Chris, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” JOKES

Two dragons walk into the Ye Olde Dragon Pub and order a couple barrels of ale.  One says to the other, "Frankly Charlie I haven't had any luck findinga pearl inside of any of these hard shelled humans we keep running into."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Two dragons are sitting in a pub drinking ale when one says to the other, "I gotta tell you, Frank, that HBO series Game of Thrones is killing our image. Now everyone wants to see us breathing fire.  I don't know about you, but the only time I can breath that much fire is after I eat a dozen knights smothered in Sriracha sauce."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Two dragons walk into a bar.  One dragon says "It sure is Hot in here."   The other one says, "Shut Your Mouth."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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Two dragons walk into a bar.  One dragon says "It sure is hot in here!"  To which the other replies 'Then keep your mouth shut!"

Mike Perry, Eden

Wow. Those two were so similar and submitted so soon to each other (2 minutes apart), it was spooky.

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BEST POEMS

Up In Smoke

Rickard has taken us to the dragons' lair;

a scheming and criminal kidnapping pair.

They planned a daring raid on fair Camelot,

went in breathing fire and took Sir Lancelot.

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They're ignorant of the value of their prize;

us humans aren't much in a dragon's eyes.

Not only does this one border on being thin,

he comes pre-packaged in a thick suit of tin.

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These two facts actually make him a winner;

he won't end up becoming a take-out dinner.

If he keeps a cool head and bides his time,

he'll outsmart these guys and come out fine.

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He decides to play them against the other;

start a sibling rivalry, brother versus brother.

With these two, that task will be a breeze,

just start out slow and heat up by degrees.

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He asks which one has the fiercest flame;

they take the bait, not aware of the game.

Each one insists he owns the hottest fire;

potent enough to ignite a big funeral pyre.

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The debate then takes a predictable turn;

a face-off erupts, they move to high-burn.

Lancelot was right, it's all over in a flash;

there's nothing left except smoldering ash.

Bill Wallace

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Poor Sir Irving had put up a fight.

Fought two dragons with all of his might.

      Still it has to be said,

      While Sir Irving is dead,

At least someone will have a good knight.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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A dragon with a knight in his paw

Said to the other, come with me as I show this to my Maw

She’ll be happy, not sad

Because she’ll think I’m not all that bad

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

Pour some Grey Poupon on that tasty morsel.

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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If that's the guy who chooses the N&R comics, I want first bite.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

Hey, buddy!  You should be proud to share an experience with Bruce Lee-  you're about to enter the dragon!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"First you fell in love with a donkey, and now a knight?"

Bill Wallace

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He says he's Arthur  King of the Britains. (Other dinosaur) King of the who?

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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(Come on baby, light my fire,) "You know, if you sing those lyrics, you'll never appear on The Ed Sullivan Show again!"

"We just did the Ed Sullivan Show!" ...once again, with apologies to Jim Morrison.

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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Time to start the fire.......Dracarys!

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff,AZ

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"Ok, THIS Time, YOU  be  a  Lannister."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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I call this Spam-O-Lot.

This is what you were paid for that Game of Thrones gig?

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Time to start the fire … Dracarys!

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff,AZ

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That's it! I'm leaving you for Donkey!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Give him to me!  I will luv him and squeeze him and pet him and call him George!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I think he's supposed to be Tyrion Lannister."

"Is Daenery Targaryene your Mom too?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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BEST/WORST PUNS

No No!  Put him down!  He's the mail man!

Mike Perry, Eden

“No thanks, it’s too early for a late knight snack”

John Bayersdorfer

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You simply rip his head off, put a bulb in it's place and "Voila!"   You're owner of a real knight-light!

Mike Perry,  Eden

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OH!  I see you received more chain mail!

Mike Perry, Eden

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So tonight's dinner is Galahad Sir-prize?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"Looks like we'll have a good knight."

Bill Wallace

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“That’s not what I meant by a night out on the town.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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"I hear that the most popular pet to take camping with you is now the 'Commode-O-Dragon'."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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BEST PSYCHIC CAPTIONS

I'd like to nominate Tim Tribbett for being the Closest to having a "Psychic Joke's On You" almost Come true!!!  Here were his entries for last week's "Remote Control" joke..... and He seems to have SEEN Two Dragons coming into JOU's Near Future!!!!!     I'm Impressed!!

“A real lady rides a dragon side saddle.”

“I’m confused. When do the dragons cook meth?”

Tim Tribbett

In Fact, to honor that, I think I will submit a Few PSYCHIC'S JOKES ON YOU:

"THEY say that when the student is ready, the teacher shall appear ...  YOU'RE  IT????"

"To quote Albert Einstein, 'I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination'

... Sure makes for an interesting game of PICTIONARY!!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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BEST EARWORMS

#6:    "You know that it would be untrue,

           You know that I would be a liar,

           If I was to say to you,

           Girl, we couldn't get much higher,

           Come on baby, light my fire,

           Come on baby, light my fire,

           Try to set the night on fire!"    ...with apologies to Robby Krieger, Jim Morrison, John Densmore, and Ray Manzarek.

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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"PUFF,  the Magic Dragon"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro