jou_grass_wolf-grocery_052419

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 052919

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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A FAVOR …

Due to an “upgrade” (why are they even called that?) to our email system, I’ll have to ask everyone who sends by email to make sure your text is formatted as “plain text,” as opposed to HTML text or Rich text.

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Last week’s cartoon was  – wolf in the grocery store. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for -  is the grass.

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WINNER

“So what is the best side dish to serve with 3 little pigs?”

Sandra Martin, Greensboro

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RUNNERS-UP

“All that huffing and puffing and they SELL pork here!”

Tim Tribbett

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“A hood. A red riding hood.”

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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“I want something I can just wolf down.”

Joan Lux, Greensboro

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“Any canned grandma?”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I’m looking for the Mary Had A Little Lamb Chops.”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“Foraging and hunting seem so uncivilized now.”

Bill Wallace

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“After all that, I find out I have a pork allergy.”

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

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“Any suggestions on something to spice up roadkill?”

Steve H., Elon

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

“Rumor has it one of the little piggies went to market.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Sorry about the howling. I saw Moon pies.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I just need the beans. I’ve already got the pork.”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Do you carry Not By The Hair Of My Chinny Chin Chin shaving cream?”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“I don’t miss all that huffing and puffing in the least.”

Bill Wallace

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions. I liked the originality of these.

"Don't tell my wife I'm getting our pork from the store."

Debra Watson, Eden

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

Once again, I don’t think I can add to the captions this week.

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JR. WINNER

“Got any pork?”

Nyla, 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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JR. RUNNER-UP

Where is the pig meat?

Quinton, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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THE REST

I am looking for a rabbit outfit...sheep have been banned !!!!

Larry Miller, Greensboro

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I want something I can just wolf down.

 Joan Lux, Greensboro

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Where is the Goldilock's brand?

Tom Loughlin, Jamestown

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1.  A hood.  A red riding hood.

2.  A disguise.  A kindly old lady disguise.

Martha Eakes, Grensboro

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“All that huffing and puffing and they SELL pork here !”

Tim Tribbett

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“I saw the meat display. No more huffing and puffing.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Rumor has it one of the little piggies went to market.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Oooh...Moon pies!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Sorry about the howling. I saw Moon pies.”

Tim Tribbett

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Do you have something for irritable howl syndrome?

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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"Eh, huffing and puffing is overrated, I think I'll just buy some bacon."

David D. Winston-Salem

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Do you have Grey Wolf Poupon?

Where can I find piggy's in a blanket?

David Core, Greensboro

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"Maybe we've assimilated too well into our urban environment."

"Foraging and hunting seem so uncivilized now."

"Looks like we've gone from wild to mild."

"This should soften the 'Big, bad wolf' image."

"Southern Living wants to do a piece on my den."

"The kids want to hit PetSmart after this."

"If I'd known domestication was like this, I'd have done it long ago."

"This sure beats running with the pack!"

"I don't miss all that huffing and puffing in the least."

"Winning the libel suit with the three pigs was a real bonanza!"

"Civilization is OK, but I still like to howl once in a while."

"Do you have pigs-in-blankets?"

"This is a lot safer than raiding a hen-house."

"My wildlife officer happens to be a forward-thinker."

Bill Wallace

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“Do they carry sheep’s clothing?”

Tim Tribbett

“Loving the automatic doors. No huffing and puffing.”

Tim Tribbett

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1. Do you have any vegan options?

2. Yes I need three little pigs please!

3. I need some Huff and Puff inhalers!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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So what is the best side dish to serve with 3 little pigs?

Sandra Martin, Greensboro

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I used to go over the river and through the woods to get a meal and then WHAM!  It hit me-  Just move to a retirement resort!

Do you have any pickled pigs feet? 

I get that a lot with people calling me Wolfe Blitzer!

Any canned grandma?

Yeah, I'm shopping for the company Halloween party.  I'm going as Little Red Riding Hood!

I heard you like to dress like Red Riding Hood on your lunch hour.  That's kinky!

I come here ever since Jimmy got killed chasing a chicken crossing the road,

Romulus?  I haven't seen you or your brother since the Empire fell!

Yeah, I've had to do this ever since I got dyspnea!

I heard you dressed in sheep's clothing, then grandma's nightie and a rumor you're into Victoria's Secret!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Do you have any potted "RED RIDING HOOD?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"What would you like to wolf down for dinner tonight?"

Bob Klippstein, Greensboro

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I've had this huge craving for pickled pigs feet!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I've done Red Riding Hood, Grandma and the 3 little pigs.  I want to complete the slam-  got any Bo Peep left?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Before now, you couldn't imagine the trouble I've gone through for a meal.

Are your spectacles for sale? They'd fit perfectly for something I have planned.

Can you point me to your dynamite section? 

After all that , I find out I have a pork allergy.

This sure beats all that huffing and puffing.

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

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Hey!  Drop by Friday night for my two  friends from New Jersey.  We call them the Guinea Pigs!

Mike Perry, Eden

"I’m looking for something I can wolf down quickly.”

John Koppel, Greensboro

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"I'm hoping to run into some foxy ladies here."

"I'm not very social, more of the lone-wolf type."

"Can you direct me to the small animal section?"

"No, I'm not interested in sampling any vegetarian foods."

"I can't believe I just bumped into Little Red Riding Hood."

"Glasses and an apron? Man, you have sold out completely!"

"You don't recognize me because last time I was dressed as a grandma."

"Don't worry - this will be full after I hit the meat department."

"Your store sign 'Piggly-Wiggly' drew me in like a magnet."

Bill Wallace

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"I'd like three little bottles of your storied barbecue sauce."

Larry Parrish,  Piety Hill

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“Any suggestions on something to spice up roadkill?”

Steve H., Elon

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The judge ordered me to collect as much straw, sticks and bricks as I can find.  Can you help me?

Mike Perry, Eden

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“WHERE’S THE BEEF?”

ALBERT PAUL, GREENSBORO

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"And WHY should I believe you're a sheep in wolves' clothing?"

"I'd like a fresh rack of lamb, please..."

"We are The Pack."

"You might want to clean up the 'spill' on Aisle 8..."

Kris Voy, Trinity

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I'm out of timber.  Do you carry it?

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm just checking on extras we might need.,  Say, why don't you stop by tonight and we'll pack for the trip.

Yeah I can help you.  Bring your luggage and clothes over and I'll show you how a real wolf packs!

Mike Perry. Eden

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I'm looking for a barbeque sauce to roast three little pigs on a spit.

Have you seen three little pigs?  I had them in my cart for dinner.

She said, "What a big mouth you have" and jumped out of the cart.

Can you recommend a medicine?  I ate too many barbequed pigs.

I don't know where they went, but I had three little pigs in my cart.

I heard a squeal in the next aisle.  You'll find them there.

I huffed and I puffed and couldn't blow that house in.  Where are your inhalers?

Norma Kay, Greensboro:

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Why, Yes, you can help me!  Where do you keep the Roman lettuce?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I know I was just here, but the pack wolfed down the food already."

"Uh, a Spam spill clean-up is needed on aisle four."

"I thought Piggly Wiggly would have a whole line of pork products."

"I'm so hungry I could eat.... anything."

"Our den looks like a pig sty; so where are the cleaning products ?"

"With our den looking like a pig sty, I need to buy some cleaning products."

"My family says to say 'howl'  to you."

"Have you seen a little girl wearing a red riding hood ?"

"Did a piggy come to this market ?"

"I thought Fresh Foods sold pigs on the hoof."

"I've been on a vegan diet, and I need gas relief."

"You're saying a  strange-looking sheep stole a package of pork chops ?"

"I got tired of staking out the sheepfold."

"Don't tell my wife I'm getting our pork from the store."

"My wife got suspicious when the meat said UFDA inspected."

"We're going on the prowl tonight; so I need some flashlight batteries."

Debra Watson, Eden

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 “Do you carry Red Riding Hood seasoning ?”

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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"Where is the nutritional food."

Luther Jackson, Stoneville

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"Where do you stock the wiggly pigglies?"

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

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“Would you take that apron off? Nobody is going to believe you are the butcher!”

“Where’s the veggie department?”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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1. Did you hear the news about some bad dude and a girl wearing a red hood?

2. Got any little pig meat?

3. Where’s the BoGo department?

4. I wish this town had a Piggly Wiggly store. Yummy!

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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#1:    "Where do you keep the dog food?"

#2:    "Kevin Costner wants to dance with us!"

#3:    "I need to stock up on porridge!"  

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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I'm sorta tired of Grandma.  You gotta any pig in stock?

HEY GRAAAAAAAANDDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE BUNNY  RABBIT.............TO HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I see you're having a three for the price of two sale!

You've got any regular size pigs?  The last lot I got didn't last too long!

You got any bacon?  I'm tired of the catch, skin and cooking scene!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm sorta tired of Grandma.  You gotta any pig in stock?

HEY GRAAAAAAAANDDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE BUNNY  RABBIT.............TO HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I see you're having a three for the price of two sale!

You've got any regular size pigs?  The last lot I got didn't last too long!

You got any bacon?  I'm tired of the catch, skin and cooking scene!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Have I found everything I was looking for?"

Luther Jackson, Stoneville

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I'd like to try one a little less Rubenesesque!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I need 3 blankets!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm having a big dinner for the boy who cried Wolfe Blitzer!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Stop by the party after work.  We're having a lupine dancer.  You might say he's a real steppin' wolf!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You got any of those boys that cry wolf?  I tried one and wow, it was delicious!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You knew the ewes and pigs have armed themselves.  That's why I come here.

Mike Perry, Eden

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What do you mean, "We don't have any pigs?" This is a Piggly Wiggly!

After that debacle with those pigs, I'm going vegan. Got any soy bacon?

I just need the beans. I've already got the pork.

Yeah, I'm the guy in the Symbicort commercial.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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I had come here for my groceries.  I almost got hit chasing a chicken across the road!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm looking for some pork and beans.

I got banned from the Piggly Wiggly.

Where are your fried pork skins?

I'm looking for the Mary Had A Little Lamb Chops.

My new P.R. guy said I should go vegan.

Do you carry Not By The Hair Of My Chinny Chin Chin shaving cream?

After the damaged house incident, I'm sticking to canned ham.

After all that huffing and puffing, I've switched to canned ham.

The pack's having a cookout and it's my turn to provide the kill.

Where do you keep the helpless victims?

The whole pack chipped in and we're doing a pig pickin'.

Look behind me and see if there's a kid in a red cape.

I miss Wolfman Jack.

The pigs lied.  I can barely blow up a balloon.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon ?

So, how’s our date going so far?

We can’t keep meeting like this

I want something I can wolf down

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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If you ever expect to break into that pig’s brick house, you have to start eating.

Mitch Poole, Mt Juliet, TN

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How was your trip to London? Was there a bad moon rising?

I was waiting to greet you at the door wearing nothing but this apron but you didn't come home

What goes well with pig, I mean pork

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ.

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 Do you have any Life Savers?   My mouth gets so dry from huffing and puffing.

 Do you have a “Sheep’s Clothing” department?

I’d like some labels please

Grey Poupon is nothing but Dijon getting old.

Pasty Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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“Do you have any grilled grandma seasoning.”

“What goes well with sheep?”

“I’m looking for the meat department.”

“You’re out of bacon? I’m going to cry wolf.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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‘What ever happen to that girl with the red hood that used to work here’

‘Grocer what big eyes you have...’

‘Do you sell this in bulk? I have a litter to feed’

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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“Do they have ‘pigs in blankets’?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Does VIC mean Very Important Coyote?”

Tim Tribbett

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Sometimes I get so aggravated, I wish I WERE a WOLF!

Pasty Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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Werewolf?.........Therewolf!

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ.

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"I need something for huffing and puffing."

"I need something in the way of a housewarming gift."

"I need something in the way of a housewarming gift... Plus an apology card.”

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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Yes! This is my first time here.  I just got tired  of fast food!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Hey!  Let's drop everything and go get some fast food!

Mike Perry, Eden

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No more over the river and through the woods for me!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Well, this beats jumping out from behind a bush!

Fred, I haven’t seen you since you left the pack!

This beats going out and hunting for it!

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

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Submitted by Louise Monroe, Gillespie Park Elem.

Can you help me find blood meat?

Fabian, age 9, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Where is the live pork?

Angel, age 9, Gillespie Park

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Where are the baked eyeballs?

I'm looking for the organs.

I lost my Little Red Riding Hood.

Anthony, age 12, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Where is the pig meat?

I like meat like yours.

Quinton, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Do you know where the  shower caps are?

Where are the three little pigs?

Ramon, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Got any pork?

Why are we naked?

Nyla, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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Is there fresh meat?

Jalounda, age 11, Gillespie Park

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I'm 80% meat.

My mom wants fresh lamb.

Hurry up. I need to get to the three little pigs.

Chris, age 11, Gillespie Park Elem.

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” JOKES

A late entry by Roy

Two wolves in business suits walk into a bar and order a couple of beers. One wolf says, "Did you hear about Wally?  He got a promotion at the bank. He's now a loan wolf."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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BEST POEMS

New Life

The big, bad wolf has a brand-new life;

he's settled down with kids and a wife.

No more huffing and puffing will he do;

the change fits like a comfortable shoe.

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He doesn't miss living out in the wood;

he's a noted figure in his neighborhood.

His former behavior was grossly crass;

he now spends Saturdays cutting grass.

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Domestic chores now keep him jumping;

small animals don't get his blood pumping.

He's happy with this new life that's routine,

and evens reads an occasional magazine.

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There's no longer a need to go and hunt;

where he used to be wily, now he's blunt.

You won't find him lurking, on the prowl,

but you might hear him let loose a howl.

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That's the one vestige of his former self,

like a photograph that sits upon a shelf.

A reminder of his past, a link primeval;

he's very discreet to avoid an upheaval.

Bill Wallace

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Civilized Coyote

Tired of living life in the great outdoors,

this creature now roams the urban floors.

Learning the ins/outs of suburban places

put looks of amazement on human faces.

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It created hysteria upon its introduction;

panic and stampeding led to destruction.

But the shock wore off, people adjusted;

eventually these lobos came to be trusted.

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They adopted the surname of Mister Wolf,

then pronounced it so it rhymed with 'golf'.

That simple change led to a new attitude;

now no one considers them wild or crude.

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You  might have the occasion to interface

with one of these animals in a public place.

Give them due courtesy; they won't demur,

and may possibly let you stroke their fur.

Bill Wallace

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When the big bad wolf some know as Reggie

Goes out shopping, he soon becomes edgy.

       He loves looking for meat,

       But turns white as a sheet

When he goes through the fruits and the veggies.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

Do you have Grey Wolf Poupon?

David Core, Greensboro

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Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon ?

So, how’s our date going so far?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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Grey Poupon is nothing but Dijon getting old.

Pasty Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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I would like some canned meat like those dragons got last week.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

I get that a lot with people calling me Wolfe Blitzer!

Romulus?  I haven't seen you or your brother since the Empire fell!

HEY GRAAAAAAAANDDMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE BUNNY  RABBIT.............TO HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having a big dinner for the boy who cried Wolfe Blitzer!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Kevin Costner wants to dance with us!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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Yeah, I'm the guy in the Symbicort commercial.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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I miss Wolfman Jack.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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BEST/WORST PUNS

Hey!  Drop by Friday night for my two friends from New Jersey.  We call them the Guinea Pigs!

Stop by the party after work.  We're having a lupine dancer.  You might say he's a real steppin' wolf!

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST EARWORMS

How was your trip to London? Was there a bad moon rising?

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ.