jou_clown-funeral_snowman-boardroom_010320

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, January 8, 2020

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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Last week’s cartoon was snowman boardroom. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – clown funeral.

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WINNER

“Is anyone else cold?”

Norma Kay, Greensboro

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RUNNERS-UP

“All right who was in charge of the button inventory?”

Joe Farrar, Greensboro

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“What’s this about sales going ‘thumpity thump thump’?”

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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“There will be a liquidation sale in the spring.”

Ken Sheldon

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“Looks like we’ll have to dip into the slush fund again.”

Lisa Meyerhoffer, Greensboro

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“All this began when I misplaced that old silk hat I found!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“How many of those space heaters did you sell, Fred?”

Debra Watson, Eden

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“Jack’s been MIA ever since his trip to Miami.”

Carlos D'Agostino, Greensboro

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“Fred can’t be with us, he rolled down the hill and got too big to move.”

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

"When he said he was warming up, I assumed he meant his speech."

Bill Wallace

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“So whose idea was it to sell cucumber noses?”

Debra Watson, Eden

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“We’ve had to liquidate some assets.”

Tim Tribbett

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

“Sales are down, global warming continues,  employees aren’t happy - I just don’t feel like a jolly happy soul!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

I think we need to close the heating vent over chair number two.

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THE REST

1.  Those sales will be back again one day.

2.  What's this about sales going thumpity thump thump?

3.  Don't give me that icy stare when I state our market edge melted.

4.  What do you mean you froze your assets?

5.  This downturn is a result of your frozen assets!

6.  Our sales have gone completely adrift.

7.  This proves corncob pipes are not good for vaping.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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Two words:  Global Warming.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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I hear global warming is taking over, this is not good for us!

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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This is what the news on vaping has done to corn cob pipe sales.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

Well, there's no business like snow business.

Nose jobs are lower due to the current carrot shortage.

I'm sure you all understand why this will be a real short meeting...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“We’ve had to liquidate some assets.”

Tim Tribbett

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You all look gulity!! Which one stole my TOP hat?

June Payne

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"Frosty is now part of our liquid asset portfolio."

"He got a tanning bed for Christmas."

"I advised him against the Christmas visit to Florida."

"His nickname of 'Puddles' finally became a reality."

"It seems our Treasurer had his hand in the till and now lives in Iceland."

"The overcoat he received for Christmas was his Kryptonite."

"His opposition to the motion seems to have melted away."

"So much for his moment in the sun."

"His red-hot temper got the better of him."

"Oops....I guess a heated chair was a bad idea."

BillWallace

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We all must face the reason why business is bad.  It's because we're all bi-polar!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I really don't see why we're worried.  Come March, we'll be history!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Why are we so worried?  It won't last long!

Mike Perry, Eden

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After a week of analyzing business trends, I have a working theory.  It all started when I lost my magic silk hat!!

Mike Perry, Eden

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This downward business trend is simply abominable!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Sure, we can take on more staff.  But even with that, it's just a temporary fix!

Mike Perry, Eden

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All this began when I misplaced that old silk hat I found!

Mike Perry, Eden

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To be truthful,  we're all just a group of temps!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Someone suggested we have a summer sale.  What's a summer?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Who raised the thermostat above freezing?"

"Wow! He went quicker than the Wicked Witch."

"That's what happens when you lose your cool."

"I guess he got un-cold feet."

"He'd do anything to get out of a meeting."

"That's OK - we're always have to mop up after him anyway."

"He took the downturn news pretty hard."

"He always had a position that didn't hold water."

"Some people just can't take bad news."

Bill Wallace

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All right! Who stole my hat?

There will be a liquidation sale in the spring.

Ken Sheldon

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I say we blame global warming and call it a day! 

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

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“This is why the North Pole shouldn’t have an embassy in Jamaca.”

Dan Finger, High Point

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“This is no time for a meltdown”

Ruth Petty, Greensboro

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“Global Warming Is Killing Us”

Joyce A. Jones, Greensboro

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The chart is upside down.  It’s the average daily temperature.  We’ll all be gone in two weeks.

The chart shows our vanilla extract supply.  We’ll be out of snow cream in a week.

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The chart shows our carrot inventory.  At this rate we’ll be unable to outfit any more snowmen by Tuesday.

All right who was in charge of the button inventory?

Sales are down.  We need to think about brass buttons.

Joe Farrar, Greensboro

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Our sales recently have just been abominable!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You guys go ahead and begin to dance around.   I just don't feel like it!

Mike Perry, Eden

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This fiscal downturn is abominable!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Without my corncob pipe and old silk hat- I've lost my magic!. But don't you cry- I'll

be back again someday!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Looks like we'll have to dip into the slush fund again.

Your idea of selling ice to an eskimo was not profitable.

Our profits are melting away.

I told you we shouldn't sell sleds in July.

Don't worry, our profits always increase in December again.

That's how our business cycle is--freeze, melt, freeze, melt.

You are skating on thin ice as the company's financial analyst.

I knew we should have invested in the movie Frozen.

Lisa Meyerhoffer, Greensboro

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"Due to global warming, we're going to have to let some of you go".

Eva Spencer, Greensboro

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With climate change and the trending snow forecast, I am sorry to report that our days are numbered.

Rosemery N. Gray, Greensboro

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As President of this company, I've decided to start investing

in short-term programs instead of one long one.

Mike Perry, Eden

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We had it made-  government subsidies, diversification, a strong portfolio and now-  it's all melting away!

Mike Perry, Eden

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This downward business cycle is simply abominable!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Without my hat, the magic is gone!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm beginning to think my decision to manufacture chill pills wasn't very well thought out!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“He was brilliant to the last drop, but still stupid enough to sit over the heat vent.”

Susan Jackson, McLeansville

Anyone else notice how the full-time help has turned into temporary help?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"He let himself get too fired-up."

"I asked him to break the ice and he went to pieces."

"There's not enough left to fill a snow-globe."

"When he said he was warming up, I assumed he meant his speech."

"It's OK - we were always having to mop up after him anyway."

"This is a water-shed moment in his history."

"He took it wrong when I said we would have to liquidate."

Bill Wallace

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No we can’t go to Florida for the winter.

Jess Grassi, Greensboro

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“Salty language never helps.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Someone needs to carry his water.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He pulled a snow job and now he’s fired from one.”

Tim Tribbett

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You are on a slippery slope !

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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Why are your numbers melting so ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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Are you making any cold calls on new businesses ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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Look, what global warming is doing to our population!

Bibha Patnaik, Greensboro

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Don't mean to be cold-hearted, but you're fired !

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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Would a snowmobile help you make more calls ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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Why you think you're low man on the ski slope ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

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"He won the office pool last week and now he is one."

"Do we call a doctor or a plumber?"

"There's enough left to water the office plants."

"How about that - he wore a diaper."

"Claude was more sensitive to climate change evidently."

"I'm no mathematician, but I'd say he was a quart low."

Bill Wallace

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“When we fire someone we use real fire.”

Tim Tribbett

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"Oh no, another meltdown!" or  "No show when business cools off!"

Mary Talton, Graham

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“Gentlemen...the heat is on.”

Tim Tribbett

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“There’s nothing worse than dirty snow.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Looks like he couldn't take the heat.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I raked him over the coals.”

Tim Tribbett

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I've called the police to find the thief that stole your mouths.

Does anyone have a pen?

We've run out of room on the chart.

We're off the chart, folks.

Good, the temperature is dropping.

I've sent out for iced drinks.

Whoever made you, my friend to the right, put your head on wrong.

They ran out of coal.  You have no mouths.  We'll have no food.

Hurry back to your posts, before they report you missing.

Is anyone else cold?

Meeting's adjourned.  It's too hot in here.

We're heading north - the weather's changing.

Listen up!  We have a strategy for polar ice melt.

Turn the temperature down - there are puddles on the floor.

Is everyone else cold enough?

As the chart shows, with rising temperatures we're becoming extinct.

Norma Kay, Greensboro

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"I almost had a meltdown looking for my hat!”

John Koppel, Greensboro

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"Next Holiday Season we expect to have an all new board.”

John Koppel, Greensboro

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"Olaf had a meltdown over this chart! … Would you hand me his hat?”

John Koppel, Greensboro

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Sales are down, global warming continues,  employees aren't happy- I just don't feel like a jolly happy soul!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Top Hat sales are down this month so please start doffing them back to the mannequins, gentlemen!"

Larry Parrish,  Leaksville

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"Jack's been MIA ever since his trip to Miami."

"It appears Jack's declining performance is directly linked to our recent heat wave."

Carlos D'Agostino, Greensboro

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Gentlemen-  I'm beginning to think our sudden and quixotic move to Phoenix  may have been a mistake!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Willard?  Wasn't it you that suggested we freeze our assets?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Today is the anniversary of the founding of our company by John Paul Yeti III.

Mike Perry, Eden

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"You think global warming is causing our meltdown?"

Your Ice for Igloos idea isn't working"

Bill Meyerhoffer, Greensboro

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“We had to tap into our slush fund.”

Tim Tribbett

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"Top Hat sales are down so you might want to toss yours on a mannequin's head for Christmas!"

Larry Parrish, Leaksville

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1. Now about Frosty, our VP of sales—whoops I mean our Former VP of Sales.

2. Sales chart,   empty seat,   get it?

3. Our former VP of Sales and climate change have melted our profits away.

4. Goodbye to my top hat, my red scarf and our VP of Sales.

5. Frosty‘s empty chair is where our new VP of Sales will sit.

6. I’m sure you will understand the empty chair when you see the sales chart behind me.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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Hi Tim,  Hope you enjoyed Christmas (and the season of 12 days that continues)

Thank you! I did – hope yours was enjoyable also

"So whose idea was it to sell cucumber noses ?"

"How many of those space heaters did you sell, Fred ?"

"Corn cob pipes with smoking bans in effect ?"

"Yellow dye ?"

"So the cold calls didn't catch on...."

"So, Fred, whose idea was it to sell lemon yellow snow cones ?"

"So the top hats didn't sell like hot cakes...."

"And I thought we'd be rolling in dough, not just snow...."

"Somebody's given us a snow job !"

"VHS tapes of 'Frosty the Snowman' ?"

"A pill to relieve water weight gain ?"

"So you think it's a result of global warming, huh ?"

"Well, the bottom fell out of the silk top hat market."

"So who's the 'yes man' now, Mr. Snowmen ?"

Debra Watson, Eden

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“Well, blow dryers were a no go.”

Tim Tribbett

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Gentlemen!  Business is so bad I'm afraid we're going to have to liquidate!

Mike Perry, Eden

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If you don't fix this, I'm gonna go all thumpety thump thump on each and every one of you!

Fix this now, or you're all going to our Phoenix office!

Mike Perry, Eden

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If something doesn't change, I'm getting rid of the air conditioning.  Think on that for awhile!

Mike Perry, Eden

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The jokes on me. Who stole my hat ?

Where’s my hat? Did Tim run out of black and red crayons ?

My hat is off to you snowmen, obviously

Ok. Who’s the wise guy who turned my chart upside down ?

Sorry about the wrong chart. It shows Tim’s performance report

Our snowball sales are going downhill

Do we have a snowball’s chance of turning snowball sales around ?

Our Grey Poupon sales are not going well

Our Grey Poupon sales should be better. Who ordered truckloads for the break room ?

Hey. Listen up. I’m the green scarf around here

The new Grey Poupon franchise will help that chart

Who saw Frosty in Wendy’s ?

Let cool heads prevail here

Our sponsor has given us the cold shoulder

Somebody’s giving me a snow job

Now, what’s this malarkey about global warning ?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"Our snowball effect got beat us beat by global warming"

"Magic of that 'old top hat' won't prevent this meltdown"

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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It was obvious Frosty stunk as a CEO!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I've lost my magic!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Of course our investors deserve a reason for the downturn, and I've got it-  climate change!

Mike Perry, Eden

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#1:    "No wonder our 'Frosty the Snowman' numbers are down.  Everybody over at the Joke's On You's talking about how that Hermey elf in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' wants to be a dentist!"

#2:    "Global warming numbers are down.  So, why don't we all head over to Al Gore's house and share the good news?"

#3:    "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"

#4:    "We're all looking at you because of the sudden emission of a vanilla ice cream odor!"

#5:    "My lady friend has no idea how I think of these things!"

#6:    "The Joke's On You is off for the Christmas holidays.  There's nothing funny going on at this time of year."

#7:    "What do you say, just for old times sake, we all head over to Calvin and Hobbes' house, line up along the sidewalk, and salute Calvin's Dad as he walks from the driveway and into his house?"

#8:    "Happy New Year, peeps!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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Did you really beat up Mensch on a bench?

Marcia Berger, Greensboro

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“Any better ideas or do I need the blowdryer again?”

Tim Tribbett

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Since I've lost my hat, 2 things have happened-  I can.t dance and business is down!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Is everyone comfortable? Do I need to turn the thermostat down?

Fred can’t be with us, he rolled down the hill and got too big to move.

You down at the end! That puddle under your chair, I hope it’s just you melting a little.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

A snowman walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, you can't come in here."

The snowman says, "Why not? I'm an ice guy."

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST POEMS

Snow Board

The ruling board of Snowmen Incorporated

is missing a colleague who has evaporated.

This annual meeting has become muddled;

that poor snowman is now just a big puddle.

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Anxious to avoid a testy, heated discussion,

they agree the cause was not a concussion.

They forecast a future of needing to endure

a sudden and lethal rise in the temperature.

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Luckily, cooler heads will ultimately prevail;

this wasn't a murder, no one's going to jail.

A motion is carried, their decision now pat;

they voted to simply lower their thermostat.

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That stop-gap measure bought some time;

a search was begun for a more frigid clime.

For the melted member who paid the price,

they commissioned a big statue of solid ice.

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The monument now stands as a testament

to the snowman who tragically up and went.

He was enshrined in the snow Hall of Fame;

no surprise to anyone, Frosty was his name.            

Bill Wallace

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Snowman Melt-down

This conference room was supposedly freezing,

but a board member suddenly started wheezing.

Then others noticed you couldn't see his breath;

that is a definite indicator of a snowman's death.

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He visibly melted as his crystals were liquidated;

it happened much quicker than they anticipated.

Nothing could be done to make the tragedy stop;

a shout rang out for somebody to go grab a mop.

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Someone then recommended they initiate CPR;

they tried reviving the puddle, but it was no cigar.

They siphoned up his remains with loving finality;

decided to honor their colleague by burial at sea.

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They transferred the liquid into a huge glass jar;

sealed it up tightly by using a substance like tar.

Wrote a grand obituary across the top of the lid;

tossed it into the ocean, saw it eaten by a squid.

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They were all mortified; who would tell his wife?

This wasn't a proper ending for a snowman life.

After a big debate on who might do the dishing,

the board chairman told her he had died fishing.

Bill Wallace

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Snow-Brawl

Things got rough at the annual snowman meeting;

fisticuffs broke out and poor Frosty took a beating.

There were no cameras, so this is simply a hunch;

a yellow so-and-so felled him with a sucker punch.

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Frosty lay unconscious, the room was eerily quiet;

they were all ashamed for participating in this riot.

A friend made an urgent call to the local ski patrol;

they responded immediately to save his jolly soul.

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Once at the scene, it was clear they were too late;

Frosty's living will excluded attempts to refrigerate.

A thoughtful young dude on the paramedical team

voiced his idea for a novel version of snow-cream.

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A medic got a bucket and scooped up his remains;

'We're gonna have a party!' became a new refrain.

Our Frosty was coerced to absorb additional licks;

he was now re-frozen on a wooden popsicle stick.

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The board business resumed, minus Frosty's vote;

the minutes later reflected a very interesting quote.

Frosty was revered as a man who never wavered;

their chairman opined: 'He had a distinctive flavor'.

Bill Wallace

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To a boardroom, the members would go.

It appeared they were all made of snow.

      On each board member's face

      There's a glossy white glaze

From the AC that's set way too low.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Snow men are fine especially around Christmas

But as it gets warmer they will all melt away

But if we keep Christ in Christmas, it will not pass away.

Rev. Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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Frosty the snowman with his corn cob pipe

said I know it’s not right.

I smoke all day and all night.

But better a pipe than a cigar, that would be a sight.

Rev. Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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Most all snowmen look alike

But their stick arms just doesn’t seem right

As if the one that made them wasn’t very bright.

Rev. Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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A carrot for a nose is what most snowmen have

If they get a cold, I’ll bet it would be hard to blow

Whoever thought of this, I don’t know

But if their noses were carrots and they caught a cold,

I’ll bet they would say “What were we thinking.”

And change it without blinking.

Rev. Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

The jokes on me. Who stole my hat ?

Where’s my hat? Did Tim run out of black and red crayons ?

Sorry about the wrong chart. It shows Tim’s performance report.

Our Grey Poupon sales are not going well.

Our Grey Poupon sales should be better. Who ordered truckloads for the break room?

The new Grey Poupon franchise will help that chart.

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"No wonder our 'Frosty the Snowman' numbers are down.  Everybody over at the Joke's On You's talking about how that Hermey elf in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' wants to be a dentist!"

Rev. Joey Pellino, Reidsville

"The Joke's On You is off for the Christmas holidays.  There's nothing funny going on at this time of year."

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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The employment office sent over an elf last week. He’ll be working with us for a while.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

"Olaf had a meltdown over this chart! … Would you hand me his hat?”

John Koppel, Greensboro

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Today is the anniversary of the founding of our company by John Paul Yeti III.

Mike Perry, Eden

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Did you really beat up Mensch on a bench?

Marcia Berger, Greensboro

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"What do you say, just for old times sake, we all head over to Calvin and Hobbes' house, line up along the sidewalk, and salute Calvin's Dad as he walks from the driveway and into his house?"

Here, here!

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

 

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