jou_ghost councelor_zombie-shrink_101119

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 101619

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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Last week’s cartoon was Zombie at the psychiatrist. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for – is Ghosts at the marriage counselor.

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WINNER

“It used to be I had to beat the ladies off with a stick.   How ironic it is, now that the tables have turned!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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RUNNERS-UP

“Ever since stores started putting Christmas decorations out in September, I just don’t feel important anymore.”

Michael Hens, Greensboro

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“I have a tendency to follow the crowd.”

Bill Wallace

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“I’ll show you something scary. My insurance doesn't cover this.”

Joe Farrar, GSO

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"I'm so tired of eating brains."

Debra Watson, Eden

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“I just feel that people tend to not like us without even getting to know us. Such discrimination!”

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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“I’ve been thinking about becoming a vegetarian.”

Carlos DAgostino, Greensboro

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“I identify as a vampire.”

Tim Tribbett

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

I think I've fallen with the wrong crowd doc.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“I’m not half the man I used to be.”

David Core, Greensboro

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

I liked this one, but it needs to be shorter. The “Amazon” reference at the end is not really needed.

“I need more clothes but I can’t find the ‘Torn and Tattered’ section anywhere ... not even Amazon.”

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley,AZ

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

You eat ONE brain and you’re labeled for life.

Why always “walking?” Sometimes I feel like the skipping dead.

I want to be more than just another face in the horde.

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THE REST

"Ever since stores started putting Christmas decorations out in September, I just don't feel important anymore"

Michael Hens, Greensboro

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“I feel trapped in a dead-end occupation.”

Julian Busby, M.D. High Point

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I see live people.

"The Walking Dead," Z Nation," and others-  they treat me like I'm alive!

Mike Perry, Eden

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It’s crazy, Doc.  I feel like I’ve got a screw loose.

Kent French, Greensboro

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Something's wrong, Doc.  I find myself using more and more catsup!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Nobody will have anything to do with me since I went Vegan!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"If I only had some brains...."

"I have a hard time sleeping."

"I have a phobia about baseball bats."

"My family can't afford shoes."

"I'm....BRAINS...always....BRAINS....hungry."

"I chose you because your last name is Romero."

"My, what a nice cranium you have!"

"I was dropped from the skulling team."

"My feet hurt."

"Can you prescribe something to help me sleep?"

"I have a tendency to follow the crowd."

"My wide-eyed stare makes people think I'm a tourist."

"It's tiring to have waitresses offer me a menu."

"People from the '60s think I'm in a band."

"I'm weird? What about Woody Harrelson's Twinkie fixation?"

"I still get robocalls."

Bill Wallace

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I asked a girl to go out with me.  She told me to drop dead!

I don't think this "dead" thing is living up to what I thought it would be!

as horrible.  I auditioned for "The Walking Dead," but I didn't get cast!

Let's face it, Doc.  I'm just a dead man walking!

It's my wife. Doc.  She has one bad fault, but it's a doozy!  She likes to roll her eyes at me!

....and all I said to her was  "Will you bury me?"   

Mike Perry, Eden

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1. It’s like my brain is someone else’s.

2. I keep thinking someone else’s thoughts

3. I don’t think I’m a monster, I’m a nice guy inside!

4. Sometimes I just fall to pieces!!

5. I just wish people could see me for the people I use to be!!

6. I just wat to find all my family members!

7. I don’t know who I really am?

Tony Bean, Danbury

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I'm so ashamed.  I ate my own wife's brain!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm not half the man I used to be.

I haven't slept in weeks.

I want to feel alive.

I never would have become a whistleblower if I knew it'd lead to this.

I got the good looks, while my brother got the brains.

David Core, Greensboro

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"Just wanted to pick your brain about something, Doc.

Larry Kirwan, Greensboro

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Why don't people understand that looking like a monster doesn't mean you are one ?

Sometimes I scare myself.

You created me.  Now cure me.

I'll show you something scary.  My insurance doesn't cover this.

Do you think I'll find my soul mate ?

Why don't people love me ?

I don't think this therapy is working.  People are still afraid of me.

Joe Farrar, GSO

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“Something’s been eating me lately or rather I’ve been eating them.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I enjoy chewing the fat.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Careful or I’ll chew your ear off.”

Tim Tribbett

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1.  I've given my heart and soul to this job.

2.  All the dead walking I do has worn out my soul.

3.  I prefer to be known as the Giving Dead, not Living Dead, but I have nothing to give!

4.  Someone accused me of a dead pan expression. What other kind of pan can I have?

5.  You'd be dead, too, if you had to hold your arms out straight constantly!

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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Why, Yes!  I do enjoy getting out and eating people!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I might be dyslexic, Doc!  My wife says I walk around all day shouting "Brian's!  Brian's!'

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Just because I'm a flat-liner doesn't make me a bad person."

"I crave a high-protein diet."

"I have this feeling I may be sleep-walking."

"Anyone in a relationship with me is left with half a brain."

"You look like you have half a brain - Oops! That was a Freudian slip."

"I have this urge to bite everyone's head off."

"Did you say 'It doesn't matter' or 'It's dura matter'?"

"I'm tempted to go vegan."

"Don't knock it until you've tried it!"

"So flossing will make me more socially acceptable?"

Bill Wallace

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I didn't say I enjoy meeting people,  I said I enjoy eating people!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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Most people don't know, but it takes real dedication to be a zombie!

Yes, I agree.  It might be strange for a zombie to yell "Grains!," but don't forget-  I'm Vegan!

Once!  Just once I'd like to be mistaken for the Hulk!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I still get mistaken for Michael Jackson!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I see you have an "ENVY PROBLEM"

Bob Willingham  Liberty

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What's ironic is I used to be Australian, and I always talked about going "Walk About!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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A man walks into a crowded bar holding a gun, he yells “Which one of you zombies bit my wife last night?"   Some zombie in the back yells “you dont have enough bullets mate!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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I see dead people.

Now that Game of Thrones has ended, I feel depressed.

I'm tired of walking.

David Core, Greensboro

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"I need to give you a heads-up on my condition."

"Don't let my appearance fool you - I'm a brain surgeon."

"Let me show you how the pros do it, Dr. Lecter."

"I've been unemployed since the 'Thriller' video."

"Nuthin' says luvin' like somethin' from the noggin."

"Bald guys make great dome-cooked meals."

Bill Wallace

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"Well doctor, lately I've been feeling kinda' dead inside"

Tammy Shaughnessy, High Point

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“I feel dead inside.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I chewed out my wife.”

Tim Tribbett

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I don't know what is wrong, Doc.  These days, I'm just so dead on my feet!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I feel so distant from my wife.  I ask her a simple question, and she always gives me the cold shoulder!

Mike Perry, Eden

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My two best friends,  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are....well,  you know'

Mike Perry, Eden

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"BRIANS!"  "BRIANS!"   It's  "BRIANS!" all day long!   Tell me, Doc.....Am I  dyslexic?

Mike Perry, Eden

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I can't get the Scarecrow's song from Wizard of Oz out of my head.

David Guion, Greensboro

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I asked this cute zombie out this afternoon.  She told me to drop dead!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Took the family to dinner last night.  After a while, , I saw young Timmy using a knife and fork.  I was so embarrassed!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Have you seen these teenagers when their phones don't work?  I've never seen so many zombies!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I got an invite to join the America Bar Association.

Mike Perry, Eden

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”I can’t close my eyes Doc, I need some sleep!”

”The kids laugh at me and call me a dummy! I’m not scary anymore!”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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“Sorry if I chew your ear off.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I left my heart in San Francisco.”

Tim Tribbett

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“This is actually going to cost YOU an arm and a leg.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I can’t stomach that guy.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I caught her eye.”

Tim Tribbett

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“She gave me the cold shoulder.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He didn’t have a leg to stand on.”

Tim Tribbett

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“So I said ‘Over my dead body!’.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I hate losing face.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Yikes...I’m never looking in another mirror!”

Tim Tribbett

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“How did I save face? Tupperware.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Something’s been gnawing me inside. May be maggots.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Should I ask for her hand?”

Tim Tribbett

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“Normally I’m ok with my parts falling off but this bothered me.”

Tim Tribbett

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I'm dead, green, I can't sing, Moonwalk, or dance. Yet people still call me Michael!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Do you think eggs go well with brains ?"

"I'm so glad for the chance to lie down."

"I lost my pedometer and  can't record my steps anymore."

"I feel like death warmed over."

"They say I'm too old to Trick or Treat."

"Apparently there aren't any brains in Washington, D.C."

"I'm so drained from seeking brains."

"Can I come and lie down again next week ?"

"Do you think the Apocalypse is a pipedream ?"

"So I've lost my fear of dying...."

"I'm so tired of eating brains."

"If I don't get dentures I'll have to eat strained brains."

"I don't know how to look alive."

"My lack of life is so boring."

Debra Watson, Eden

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“I need to get my head on straight.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I’m falling apart.”

Tim Tribbett

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“This is hard for a former vegan.”

Tim Tribbett

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I've got my head on straight.

I think I'm falling apart.

Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

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" No, I don't hate my mother. She's dead."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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No one notices me since I went to work at the DMV.

Thoughts of suicide? I WISH!

I don’t miss my soul mate. Soul, yes. Mate? Not so much actually.

Tell me straight, doc. Do I have Time of the Season depression syndrome?

Your secretary asked my name and who’s my daddy.

I feel like I’m just going through life aimlessly. Just wondering around.

I was always told me to bury my secrets deep but they keep coming back.

Stephen W Botts

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“Well, You’re looking better since the last time I saw you.”

“You may want to have your thyroid checked.”

“No, There’s no monster under your bed!”

“You must have gotten the brains in your family.”

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Yes, the meds do have one small side effect.”

“I would lay off of the Carolina Reaper if I were you!”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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DID IT SCARE YOU WHEN THEY WERE SHOOTING AT YOU?

Don Rankin, Greensboro

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“Anger issues? Well, I do bite people’s heads off.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I don’t like brains.”

Tim Tribbett

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"I like to think of myself as a brain-surgeon."

"Being undead is kind of like being a teen again."

"Don't tell me you've never bitten someone's head off!"

"So which is it doc - my ego or my id?"

"I got this way reading JOY captions."

"I've always wanted to be a ghost-writer."

"My parents say I'm dead-weight."

"I've lived a hard-bitten life."

"Your ceiling needs to be painted."

"This couch is to die for!"

"I can come off as a little stiff sometimes."

"After Halloween, I'll go back to work in customer service."

Bill Wallace

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"Leggo my ego!"

"There'll be a lot more like me when election commercials hit."

"I'm a supervisor at the TSA."

Bill Wallace

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"I'm stuck in a dead-end job."

"This is what I call being 'Dead on the level'.

"I am the original Dead-Head."

"I try to do my dead level best in everything."

"Your analysis is dead on the money."

Bill Wallace

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Are you the only psychiatrist on staff?    We get you in every cartoon

Tim called politely from his car window and asked “Pardon me but do you have any Grey Poupon?”  And the voice rang back quickly, “What?  Are you nuts?”

I can’t even get a part on The Walking Dead!!

Are you the only psychiatrist on staff? We get you in every psych cartoon.

I need more clothes but I can’t find the Torn and Tattered section anywhere....not even Amazon.

I just can’t get Michael Jackson out of my head.

My only claim to fame is  I was a front row dancer in Thriller.   

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley,AZ

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1. I just got back from L.A.

2. I think I’m a good guy. Why do people avoid me?

3. I need your help, Doc. How can I get my mother-in-law to leave?

4. Some people ignore that “do unto others” tale.

5. Obviously I can play the part, but I don’t want to be the “entertainment” at someone’s Halloween party.

6. I just went to see “The Joker”. Great movie!

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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I think I've fallen with the wrong crowd doc.

I just feel that people tend to not like us without even getting to know us. Such discrimination!

In life I was a cartoon writer. Have you ever heard of "Jokes on You".

I've tried everything doc but I don't like brains. I'm going to starve to dea.....oh wait

Zombie portraits are the best to draw! They always want the couch background and they  never blink!

I think you might have taken the keto diet a little to seriously

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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I have two questions: What's your name? Who's your daddy?

I really could go for a nice T-Bone.

Brains and Grey Poupon really don't go together that well.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Help me Doc, please!  I can't get that baby shark song outta my head!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Everyone is on this running kick.  It just irks me, because you know how I hate fast food!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I thought I was supposed to pick your brain, doc?"

"I'm just a goul looking for a gal."

"I've been thinking about becoming a vegetarian."

Carlos DAgostino, Greensboro

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She asked me if I loved her for her body or her brain.  Apparently I made the wrong choice!

Mike Perry, Eden

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#1:    "So what I am going to do after Halloween's over?"

#2:    "I'd like to try asking for a dance partner at the Monster Mash, but it's always so awkward!"

#3:    "Life just hasn't been the same since the Thriller video!"

#4:    "She didn't say, 'You are dead meat.'  She said, 'You are dead to me!'"

#5:    "I've been accused of not keeping up with the latest trends!"

#6:    "I'm here because my boss just takes all of the air out of the room!"

#7:    "I was Marty Feldman in a previous life!"

#8:    "Everybody's always saying to me, 'Nice costume,' but I think to myself, 'What costume?'"

#9:    "If those Zombie Hunters were always coming after you, you'd be here too!"

#10:    "See!  Zombies need psychiatric help too!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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1)  "Well, you know, it's always about a ghoul...."

2)  "I like this ghoul in school;  I'm just not sure she likes me."

Larry Parrish, Leaksville

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Sometimes I just fall apart.

Every time I see that movie I go to pieces.

I went to Washington to eat some brains and almost starved to death.

I'm easy to get to know while I'm trying to kill you.

People look at me and only see a dead guy.

Why can't people see past my rotting flesh and vacant stare.

I used to say when I grow up I want to do this or that, now it's why bother I'm dead.

I'd say life is hard, but I no longer have one.

You die, you wake up, you eat brains, what's the point?

My dog tried to bury me in the backyard.

Just because I'm dead, doesn't mean I don't care.

I tried to be an organ donor, but I no longer have any.

I want to be a Jokes On You captioner, but I don't have the brains for it.

I once attacked a J.O.Y. captioner.  His brain tasted funny.

J.O.Y captioners are safe around me.  Their brains are too twisted to get out of their heads.

Two zombies walk onto a bar.  The bartender shakes his head and says, " Oh

great not again.  The last time we had zombies in here they left a body part as a tip."

A zombie staggers into a bar and orders a beer.  He says to the bartender, "

You know life is full of irony.  When I was alive I was a railroad engineer.

I used to spend all day operating a dead man's switch."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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A zombie, a ghoul and a vampire walk into a bar.   The bartender looks up and says “ Well, I see  the graveyard shift is over“

Doc, is it wrong to like being a zombie?

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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I dreamt that I was brain surgeon.

I have a recurring dream that I'm working at the DMV.

I'm afraid of live people.

Why do the dead have to walk everywhere?

I was buried wearing running shoes.  Seriously!

I'm not a zombie, I'm just bored out of my mind.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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1.  "But Doc, I was a vegetarian"

2. " I meant no harm, I thought it was a meat and greet

Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

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 “I scare myself.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I used to be vegan.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I have mummy issues.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I’m afraid to live.”

“I’m a vegan.”

“My wife says I don’t communicate well.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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"Third shift is about to kill me, doc"

"Zombie life isn't all it's cracked up to be"

"Sorry, bringing your dog back to life is not in my scope of practice"

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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“My closet is full of skeletons.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Brains are gross!”

Tim Tribbett

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“I identify as a vampire.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I’m a brainaholic.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I was mortified!”

Tim Tribbett

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My mother didn’t love me

It was the Grey Poupon diet that made me this way. I recommend it

Grey Poupon is going to be the death of me

I lost my Brooks Brothers credit card

The Marine Corps rejected me

I just got booted out of boot camp

I lost my  “Will work for food” sign

All my veins collapsed

And after law school I was an astronaut

Did I mention that I was a brain surgeon?

I don’t know why my girlfriend left me

I ‘ve been through a lot in my 18 years

Lately I’ve been studying rocket science

Where’s the door? Tim always has a door

Are you trying to trick me with your questions?

A job ? What’s that ?

Well I have been better, I think

My prison cell bed was softer than this couch

Panhandling is an honest profession

My address ? Under the overpass

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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I get so embarrassed, Doc.  Just because my name is Fred.

Mike Perry, Eden

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It used to be I had to beat the ladies off with a stick.   How ironic it is, now that the tables have turned!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Yes!  I like the living,  but once in a while I like to have cold one!

Mike Perry, Eden

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We just had triplets, Doc.  And honestly, I don't know how to raise the dead!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Have you seen these kids walking around with their phones?  Nice to know I'm not the only zombie out there!

Mike Perry, Eden

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My grocer stopped serving brain muffins!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Apparently  "Bring out your dead!" only works on Monty Python!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I thought about  running for Congress.  A brainless soulless horde, with no direction, preying on others.

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Doc, I've just been feeling so dead tired."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Lately, I've been feeling dead inside, Doctor."

Jocko Johnson, Greensboro

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

A man walks into a crowded bar holding a gun, he yells “Which one of you zombies bit my wife last night?"   Some zombie in the back yells “you dont have enough bullets mate!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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A zombie walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. “Of course,” says the barkeep,

“I’ve never seen a stiff drink."

Mike Perry, Eden

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A zombie walks into a bar and orders a pint of pureed brains. The bartender says,

"Sure, we have mathematician's brains for $2/pint, and politician's brains for $2000/pint. Which would you like?"

The zombie asks, "Why are the politician's brains so expensive? I'd have thought the mathematician's

 brains would be worth more."

The bartender replies, "Do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get a pint of brains?"

Mike Perry, Eden

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A zombie walks into a bar, says, “Give me a shot.” The bartender gives him a shot.

The zombie looks into his pocket, says, “Give me another shot.” The bartender gives him another shot.

The zombie looks into his pocket, says, “Gimme another shot.” The bartender gives him another shot.

The zombie looks into his pocket, and the bartender says, “Hey, why do you look into your pocket

before you ask for a shot?” The zombie says, “I have a picture of my wife in here, when she starts looking good, I know it’s time to go home.”

Mike Perry, Eden

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A zombie walks into a bar. Bartender says, “You look like you could use a drink, how about a pint of beer?” Zombie croaks, “Braaii — hrrraaaaiign — rrrhaaaaiins!” Bartender says, “Sorry sir, we don’t carry Welsh beers here.”

Mike Perry, Eden

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A zombie walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you, want to try it?”

The zombie says, “Sure, give me a Charles.”

Mike Perry, Eden

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A zombie, a ghoul and a vampire walk into a bar.   The bartender looks up and says “ Well, I see  the graveyard shift is over“

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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Two zombies walk onto a bar.  The bartender shakes his head and says, " Oh great not again.  The last time we had zombies in here they left a body part as a tip."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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A zombie staggers into a bar and orders a beer.  He says to the bartender, " You know life is full of irony.  When I was alive I was a railroad engineer. I used to spend all day operating a dead man's switch."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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A Zombie walks into a bar.  Bartender says "What can I get you?"   Zombie thinks for a second and says "Gravy and French Fries in a Blender with a Splash of Vodka."    The Bartender tries not to look stunned, 'cause, well, up 'til now, he's Thought he's Heard'em all. 

Zombie says "Vodka really made from potatoes?"   Bartender says "That's what they say.   I got to ask... why this mixture?

Zombie says "I'm Going Vegetarian." 

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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Knock, Knock.

Who's There?

Zombie

Zombie Who?

Zombee Just Tried to Sting Me!

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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How long have you felt your life has lost all purpose?

Herman Harris, Greensboro

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I’m scared to go out at night. There’s a lot of strange people out there.

Thank you for seeing me at night. I don’t get out much in the daytime.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST POEMS

Brain-Drain

This zombie is under a psychiatrist's care;

he did something that the living don't dare.

This gruesome act is considered the norm

in horror movies viewed in a college dorm.

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You probably see where this story is going;

we've all been parties to a similar showing.

Where the undead walk in the late of night;

an unending quest for brains is their plight.

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They wander in groups, arms outstretched,

hoping to dine on some warm naïve necks.

They're shabbily dressed, clothing tattered;

smacking their lips over warm dura matter.

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Most would find this scene to be ghoulish;

immoral, disgusting, and downright foolish.

But the shrink advises him he's not insane;

he has cerebral consumption on the brain.

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The zombie considers that to be consent;

he's very thankful to this enlightened gent.

To express the gratitude of all the undead,

he takes a vicious bite of his pointy head.

Bill Wallace

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Cut and Paste

Wicked Rickard has struck again,

drawing this undead zombie in.

Alas, the shrink is cookie-cutter;

seems it's Tim's bread 'n butter.

Bill Wallace

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Analyze This!

Lying prone on the psychiatrist's couch,

this zombie testifies that he's no slouch.

In the sleet, snow, heat or driving rains,

he's always on the hunt for warm brains.

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He learned his craft from watching film;

blood and gore don't really bother him.

Victim's screams are music to his ears;

he's not halted by their traumatic tears.

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Feeling that this may damage his soul,

he wants to get the urge under control.

He implores the doctor to keep it quiet,

but he's thinking about going on a diet.

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The doctor agrees that's a great idea,

but cautions it may not be a panacea.

In order to remove all lingering doubt,

he suggests the zombie never eat out.

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This will avoid all of those temptations,

keep him away from crucial situations.

Going cold turkey was very daunting;

now the shrink is part of the haunting.

Bill Wallace

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Trick or Treat

Said the zombie to his shrink 'Trick or Treat';

he was craving some chewy candies to eat.

The shrink felt they needed to talk instead;

the zombie proceeded to devour his head.

Bill Wallace

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Misunderstood

Zombies are a highly misunderstood bunch,

who happen to love human brains for lunch.

This isn't something of which they're proud;

it hovers over them like a dark storm-cloud.

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They have an interesting, nomadic culture;

roaming around like a big band of vultures.

Fixed-pupil eyes that reveal no mortal soul;

dining on human flesh is their singular goal.

.

They didn't ask to be cursed with this onus,

but consider the menu to be a huge bonus.

It's possible one could become your friend,

but more likely your life would horribly end.

.

People aren't prone to give them a chance;

there's no reason to ask the devil to dance.

Walking a mile in their shoes is hard to do;

they'd probably just wind up digesting you.

.

Maybe it's best that we keep our distance;

that's the only sane option in this instance.

If one you should meet, kindly tip your hat;

then dispense justice using a baseball bat.

 Bill Wallace

.

Of his diet, this zombie complains.

With reply, the psychologist strains.

     "Being zombied must stink,

     'Cause I've seen Rhett and Link

On their GMM show eating brains.

.

"They both eat them sometimes on a dare.

Of their taste they are both quite aware.

     If it goes close to plan,

     They'll be spat in some can

That is sitting right next to their chair."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.

The zoombie laying on the psychologist's couch

says no one understands me, Doc.

I like to hug a lot

But people like to run and scream

I won't let them know (yes, they are ugly but I love them anyway.)

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.

If zoombies on the psychologist's couch would try to understand why

Would stop and think about the past

What happened when they breathed their last.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.


BEST INSIDE JOKE

Brains and Grey Poupon really don't go together that well.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.

"I got this way reading JOY captions."

Bill Wallace

Reading? Or writing?

.

Are you the only psychiatrist on staff?    We get you in every cartoon

Tim called politely from his car window and asked “Pardon me but do you have any Grey Poupon?”  And the voice rang back quickly, “What?  Are you nuts?”

Are you the only psychiatrist on staff? We get you in every psych cartoon.

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley,AZ

.

In life I was a cartoon writer. Have you ever heard of "Jokes on You".

Zombie portraits are the best to draw! They always want the couch background and they  never blink!

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

.

Brains and Grey Poupon really don't go together that well.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.

I want to be a Jokes On You captioner, but I don't have the brains for it.

Trust me, that won’t be a problem.

I once attacked a J.O.Y. captioner.  His brain tasted funny.

J.O.Y captioners are safe around me.  Their brains are too twisted to get out of their heads.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

.

It was the Grey Poupon diet that made me this way. I recommend it

Grey Poupon is going to be the death of me.

Where’s the door? Tim always has a door.

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

.

"Doc, it's gotten where I can't eat unless I have some Grey Poupon."

"I ate a brain of a JOU Hall Of Famer this week... It tasted funny."

"CC  Cockerham Wins JOU's First EGOT!"

"How did I DIE?  I went crazy trying to think of a JOU!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

Last week I knocked on my neighbor’s door and he met me with a whip and a chair.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.


BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

It’s horrible.  I auditioned for "The Walking Dead," but I didn't get cast!

My two best friends,  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are....well,  you know'

Mike Perry, Eden

.

I can't get the Scarecrow's song from Wizard of Oz out of my head.

David Guion, Greensboro

.

"I've been unemployed since the 'Thriller' video."

"I chose you because your last name is Romero."

"People from the '60s think I'm in a band."

"I'm weird? What about Woody Harrelson's Twinkie fixation?"

Bill Wallace

.

Your secretary asked my name and who’s my daddy.

Stephen W Botts

.

I can’t even get a part on The Walking Dead!!

My only claim to fame is  I was a front row dancer in Thriller.   

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

.

I have two questions: What's your name? Who's your daddy?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.

"I'd like to try asking for a dance partner at the Monster Mash, but it's always so awkward!"

"Life just hasn't been the same since the Thriller video!"

"I was Marty Feldman in a previous life!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

.

Apparently  "Bring out your dead!" only works on Monty Python!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"I keep having dreams about fava beans."

"Whadaya Mean 'Do I Remember Michael Jackson?' I AM Michael Jackson!!!"

"DON'T ask ME ... Ask Mikey ... He'll Eat ANYThing!!!!"

"I really wanted to be on the 'Masked Singer' Show... but I can't sing."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.


BEST/WORST PUNS

... and all I said to her was "Will you bury me?"   

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"I shoulda listened to my HorrorScope."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.


BEST EARWORMS

the Monster Mash;  Bon Jovi's "Wanted: Dead or Alive"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

EGOT indeed. Not bad. To get the FULL-EGOT, you also need a poem.

.

"If I only had some brains...."

Bill Wallace

.

Help me Doc, please!  I can't get that baby shark song outta my head!

Mike Perry, Eden

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