jou_tree-doc_robots-box_083019

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 090419

.

Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

.

And as always, please, no wagering.

.

Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

.

Submit your funny pet photo to: jokesonyou@greensboro.com

.

Last week’s cartoon was the robots and box. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for – is the tree doctor.

.


WINNER

“Well, they say parenthood doesn’t come with instructions.“

Debbie Mitchum, Greensboro

.


RUNNERS-UP

“You HAD to go with a home birth!”

Larry Parrish, Leaksville

.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you!  Your replacement arrived!”

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

.

“That better not be another wife.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Wait! I want a gender reveal party.”

Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

.

“They’re so cute at this age!”

Mike Perry, Eden

.

”I hope it is a girl.”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

.

“You wanted a child. You assemble it.”

Pete Salassi, Greensboro

.

“It sure was easier when the stork delivered instead of Amazon!”

George Boschini, Greensboro

.


HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

"You're a self-made man, so you should be able to handle this."

Bill Wallace

.

Oh! I see the Smith's have arrived.  I tell you, this is the only way to travel!

Mike Perry, Eden

 .

"Wonder which one of us it will resemble?"

Arista Shelton, Greensboro

.

Don't install the eye-rolling program.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

.

"He wasn't supposed to be delivered until tomorrow."

Debra Watson, Eden

.

I thought we were looking for someone who could start right away!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

I can’t believe that when they put us together they had this many parts left over.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.


TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

Two captions with the right idea, just someone else beat them to the punch with similar captions.

“Your replacement is here.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

.

“Best gender reveal party ever, baby!”

Stephen Botts

.


BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

He’s premature, he wasn’t supposed to be delivered till next month!

I predict about 14 hours of difficult labor.

It says: “If you want a girl, discard part 18-b.”

Look what the robot-stork dropped off!

.


JR. WINNER

“We don’t need someone else running around.”

Katie Schmitz, 9

.


THE REST

How romantic! You bought me a floor waxer.

Marcia Berger, GSO

.

“They did tell us to think outside the box!”

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

.

I see Junior's mail-order bride came in.

It's nice of your sister to pop by for a visit.

Everyone needs a piece of mind... And arm...

I didn't know Ikea sold children.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.

1. This is not what I meant by "reinvent yourself."

2.  You're nuts, and I'm gonna bolt.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

.

You wanted a child. You assemble it.

Pete Salassi, Greensboro

.

”I hope it is a girl”

”Go get your toolbox, we have to make a baby”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

.

1. The kid has arrived!

2. I thought you said no assembly required?

3. You should have clicked “I’m not a robot” when you ordered it!

4. “This better be the new washing machine”.

5. “You might want to call the helpline”

6. I’ll get the tool box and the oil can!

7. Good luck!

8. “It has your nose”!

Tony Bean, Danbury

.

Our new son Bits and Pieces just arrived.....

Larry Miller, Greensboro

.

"I wish you'd quit yelling 'Danger, Will Robinson!'."

"Let's outsource this to a human."

"The chickens have finally come home to roost."

"You and your Ikea addiction!"

"Our first child!"

"Let me get Junior's ear-plugs before you start."

"Congratulations - you successfully completed Step One."

"Don't you get enough of this at work?"

"Pandora's Box."

"Only you would call the instructions a cheat-sheet."

"I call it the Ikea Acid Test."

"You should be good at the nuts-and-bolts of this."

"You can do this with one arm tied behind your memory bank."

"The inside of the lid is a Yard Sale sign."

"The instructions have a list of appropriate curse-words."

"No, you can't use my mother for the missing parts."

Bill Wallace

.

Nine months to assemble rings a bell with me.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

.

Not today, John.  I've got a headache!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

My caption….”Honey…do we want a Boy or a Girl”

Chris Belton, Mcleansville

.

I was thinking about "Gort!"  What about you?

Mike Perry, Eden

.

My caption: “Is it a boy or a girl?”

Anna Clare Allen

.

A robot walks into a bar.  The barkeep asks him his preference and the robot says "I need something to loosen me up."  So the bartender gives him a screw driver!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

I should have told you.  That's momma- she's come for a visit!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

“We’re having a baby!”

H. Mark Hardcastle

Joelle M. Hardcastle

 .

"You're a self-made man, so you should be able to handle this."

"Try not to blow your anger-management fuses."

"I'd offer to help, but I have the Betty Crocker chip-set."

Bill Wallace

.

Is our baby a boy or a girl?

Betty Stubbins, Greensboro

.

I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.

Mike Perry, Eden

.

What's ironic is that it still took 9 months to get here!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

It doesn't specify!  It could be Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, or even Crowwwwwwwwww! 

It's better than human reproduction in everyway … well, almost everyway!

I know this is how it's done, but it seems we're missing something!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

They're so cute at this age!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

They sent us a Roomba?

I hope they sent the instructions this time!

I sure hope this thing can help us pass the Turing Test!

...and we'll call him Robbie!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

“You promised to help change the oil if we had kids.”

Tim Tribbett

.

Oh! I see the Smith's have arrived.  I tell you, this is the only way to travel!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

1. Just call the kid next door.

2. I suppose this means we won’t be going to the beach for Labor Day.

3. This will keep you out of trouble for at least a week.

4. We still have a dozen parts left over from your last “project”.

5. I would have gladly paid the $15 assembly charge.

6. Oh no, not again!!

7. I might as well go visit the kids for a few days.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

.

“And it comes with a two year supply of WD-40”.

 Bill Heroy, Summerfield

.

1. Did you order a male or a female?

2. I wish it could put itself together.

3. I love ordering children from the robot store.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

.

Best gender reveal party ever, baby!

Stephen Botts

.

I hope they included batteries this time!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"I really wanted a daughter." 

David G. Shelton, Greensboro

 .

"I hope our child has no missing parts."

"Wonder which one of us it will resemble?"

Arista Shelton, Greensboro

.

"There are no nuts.  It must be a girl."

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

.

"Wanna make a baby?"

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

.

1.  Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

2.  Careful now.  It's Junior.

3.  You maneuver it into the world, and I"ll boil water.

4.  Who does it favor?  You or me?

5.  Remember we can't cut the cord on this one.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

.

“ I am no longer programmed to help you assemble another of your stupid gadgets.”

Julian Busby, M.D. High Point

.

“Oh PLEASE- not ANOTHER baby robot that I have to raise!’

Julian Busby, M.D. High Point

.

What do you mean you forgot the instructions?

What do you mean you don't need no stinking instructions?

I'm not comfortable buying our son second hand.

I don't think we should get the kids from e-Bay.

Government surplus is not what I had in mind.

Dear, you can't even put together a train of thought.

No, we're not just going to "wing it."

There had better not be any parts left over.

If she turns out looking like an abstract statue, you're in big trouble.

If he turns out to be pain in the neck, do we get our money back?

Did you get the extended warranty?

Isn't the woman supposed to handle the baby's assembly?

Forget parenthood.  Go get the full size model.

Does this one come with an attitude program?

Don't install the eye-rolling program.

Wait!  What does re-manufactured mean?

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

.

"We forgot to have a baby shower."

Harvey Herman, Greensboro

.

"Wait!, I want a gender reveal party"

Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

.

"Remember what happened with that flat tire on the lunar rover?"

"Yeah - right.... along with 'This may hurt a little bit'."

"Beep, beep will soon become bleep, bleep."

"Our son's bicycle is still spread out on the garage floor."

"Do you really want to go there?"

"If you hit a snag, just call 1-800-GORT."

"The only screw-driver you're comfortable with is the drink."

"This should be good - you thought Black & Decker was a law firm."

"If you need help, just yell 'Klaatu, barada, nekto'."

"You're about to give science fiction a bad name."

"I hope that's not my anniversary present."

Bill Wallace

.

Good thing this was a no-brainer.

Check to see if my earrings are in there.

Heavenly days!  This ought to be automated.

No, I won't marry you.  That's a no-brainer.

I guess that's our son.

We've worked our shift.  Let's go and have lunch.

I have a hunch that's my mother-in-law.  Don't assemble her now.

You fool!  You left the keys to my car in there.

I'll go get dinner while you figure out how to assemble.

You'd think they'd at least include instructions.

That's our son?  Don't assemble him now - I'm not ready for motherhood.

Where do we store the spare parts?  We might need an arm or leg.

Where's the oil can?  You squeak.

Did you know we're all patented by our designer?  Look on your arm.

Hurry!  We need to get ready for the dance of the tin soldiers.

Can you return me?  My systems are failing.

Norma Kay, Greensboro

.

Squeak a little louder - I can't hear you.

Norma Kay, Greensboro

.

Think carefully!  If we do this, we give up our right to become the despotic overlords of this world!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"Well, they say parenthood doesn't come with instructions."

Debbie Mitchum, Greensboro

.

I told you to expect a happy event.

Don't know what it will be.

I could use a box like that.

Promises! Promises!

Bet there's a piece missing!

Keith Peddie, Greensboro

.

When I said let's make a baby, this isn't what I had in mind.

David Core, Greensboro

.

All I know is that “Some” is usually more than you can handle!!

Betty Konchar, Greensboro

.

"Okay, so I'll read the directions."

"Read the directions first !"

"Too bad our new baby can't assemble himself."

"You could have gotten him assembled at the store for $25 !"

"You think you can get it together this time ?"

"I hope this one will help with the housework."

"Easy assembly, yeah, right !"

"I think you're the one that's missing a few screws."

"Does it say the batteries are included ?"

"Did Amazon give us free shipping ?"

"He wasn't supposed to be delivered until tomorrow."

"You're on your own with this one !"

"You're nuts and I'm bolting on this one !"

"Like a human baby, it'll take you nine months to put him together."

"Make sure you don't get this one's head screwed on wrong."

"I can't wait to see if this one's a girl !"

Debra Watson, Eden

.

" Put uncle Joe in the recycling."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

.

“You can’t just return my mother for a refund!”

Tim Tribbett

.

“That better not be another wife.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“I can’t wait till he says his first binary code!”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Are you shipping Junior off to circuit boarding school?”

Tim Tribbett

.

#1:    "Dude, you're a work in progress!"

#2:    "They forgot to tell us that batteries aren't included!"

#3:    "Directions?  You don't need any stinking directions!"

#4:    "Look at all of the money we saved by not buying feet!"

#5:    "Wow!  Check you out!  You're almost human!"

#6:    "You're much lower maintenance than my first husband!"

#7:    "Oh!  I forgot to tell you!  Your replacement arrived!"

#8:    "You can't be serious!  I mean, you can't even program a VCR!"

#9:    "This is your toupee kit!"

#10:    "Ah!  Good job!  I see you're already starting on your honeydew list!"

#11:    "Put it together?  I thought you were trying to take it apart!"

#12:    "I'm thinking assembly will take less time than buffering!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.

.

"Artificial intelligence? More like superficial in your case."

"I'm surprised Barbarella didn't pop out."

"You should probably stick with Legos."

"Send it back before you hurt yourself."

"You should make a 'How Not To' video for YouTube."

"I'm going to the kitchen and wait for the mushroom cloud."

"You can proceed - a preemptive evacuation of the neighborhood was declared."

"That's a nice touch - it comes with a Last Will and Testament."

Bill Wallace

.

“I hope this updated kid has less sass mouth.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“It’s called a mother in law. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

Tim Tribbett

.

"Congratulations Dear.  It's the son you were hoping for."

Andee Gable, Greensboro

.

THE KID NEXT DOOR MIGHT COULD HELP YOU.  HE IS GOOD AT TAKING THINGS APART.

JR. COME HERE PLEASE YOUR DADDY NEEDS YOUR ADVICE.

DON RANKIN, GREENSBORO

.

1)  "You HAD to go with a home birth!"

2)  "You couldn't spring for a delivery by stork?!"

Larry Parrish,  Leaksville

.

“It sure was easier when the stork delivered instead of Amazon!”

George Boschini, Greensboro

.

Somehow this feels like a job interview for IKEA.

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"Does it come with a human?"

Luther Jackson, Stoneville

.

I thought we were looking for someone who could start right away!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

You sure you want to open this Pandora's box?

Mike Perry, Eden

.

You bought an oil rack for the cellar?

Another new oil pump? No wonder we are always out of oil.

Mitch Poole, Mt. Juliet, TN

.

It’s our son!   Another quick delivery by Amazon.

You  ordered a Roomba?

What a fast delivery!   Is it a boy or girl?

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ.

.

You know, we can save ourselves a lot of work if we just mangle a few humans into doing it!

Gort! Klatu borato nicto!  When translated means "You ordered it, you put it together!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

QVC is really branching out

Isn’t Junior cute

Special delivery

It’s a bucket of bolts

Shouldn’t we assemble it on Christmas Eve ?

Lee F. Richmond, Jamestown

.

"Define 'Some' . "

Luther Jackson, Stoneville

.

Why do we need a refrigerator?

Why do we need a washing machine?    

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley,AZ

.

Warning Will Robinson!

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

.

“I hope he can think outside the box.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Uh..why do you have that other empty box?”

Tim Tribbett

.

Ikea is the worst.

Generation Fe has to be so complex.

Maybe adoption wasn't such a bad idea.

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

.

“We’re going to be parents.”

“We’ll need to think outside of the box.”

“Your replacement is here.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

.

“I’m glad your Mom had an extended warranty.”

Tim Tribbett

.

Aha. All the ingredients for Grey Poupon !

Finally ! Grey Poupon by the case !

So. Where will you store your Grey Poupon ?

This is driving me nuts and bolts

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

.

"If we'd have gone there, we might have gotten some meatballs." (You Know..... IKEA!! )....

"I think you got some loose screws."

"Did you notice that the return address says 'Helen of Troy'?"

"Just in case, I bought a roll of Duct tape."

"If we get him built, let's name him... JACK!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

I'm pretty sure this violates Asimov's 3 Laws of Robotics!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"Don't worry George... you can Probably do This!"

Ken  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

"Just Think!!  Last time there wasn't directions you built a working Microwave!!!"

CC Cockerham, Greensboro

.

“ that’s one way to get the family together”

Talus Katt

.

Why do you always lose the assembly instructions when my mother comes to visit

Steven Lantz

.

When all else fails, read the directions.

Don’t forget that the last one you put together walked backwards

Well, you wanted a son

Boy or girl?

I can’t believe that when they put us together they had this many parts left over.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.


SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

“We don’t need someone else running around.”

Katie Schmitz, age 9

.


THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

A robot walks into a bar.  The barkeep asks him his preference and the robot says "I need something to loosen me up."  So the bartender gives him a screw driver!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

A robot walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The barkeep says "We don't serve robots.'

The robot says "Oh, but some day you will!  Someday you will!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

A robot walks into a bar.......

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar.

As he was walking out, he thought, “I’m gonna try that again, see if I get a different response.” So he walks back in and the robot asks him again, “What’s your drink?”. The man again says “whisky”. The robot asks him for his IQ, and this time the man says 110. The robot pours his drink and begins to talk about nascar and normal people talk. He finishes his whisky and exits the bar. He gets the idea to try it again. He walks back in, and again the robot asks him “What’s your drink?”. The man says “Whisky”. The robot asks “What’s your IQ?”. The man replies “50”. The robot pours his drink and says “You still upset Hillary lost?”

Mike Perry, Eden

.

A  robot walked into a bar. The robot had too much to drink that night and when he got ready to leave to drive home the bartender tried to stop him. The robot said  "It’s okay, I’m programmed to handle a hard drive."

Mike Perry, Eden

.


BEST POEMS

DIY Doofus

Isaac Asimov gave the robots too much credit;

this one's wife sees the future and dreads it.

Her spouse isn't just non-mechanically inclined;

on this assembly project, he's flying totally blind.

.

She's taken pains to hide the hammer and pliers;

in his grasp, they could start catastrophic fires.

Craftsman issued an order to cease and desist;

they fear that law-suits could result from this.

.

This robot's talents lie in more cerebral tasks;

mathematics, Boolean logic is where he basks.

Giving him access to various/sundry power tools

is way more dangerous than a two-legged stool.

.

His intent is benign, just put this item together;

the result could be as fatal as tornadic weather.

She'll play along with his handyman illusions,

but be ready to deal with cuts and contusions.

.

The end result should be a real museum-piece;

he'd be better off practicing catch and release.

Just let it go and hopefully prevent a disaster;

his wife has had enough mayhem to last her.

Bill Wallace

.

IKEA Idea

These two bots thought it was a good idea

to go shopping at the mega-store called IKEA.

They had heard good things by word-of-mouth;

packed the kids in the car and headed south.

.

They were able to park almost a mile away;

it was the beginning of a most unusual day.

Brick and mortar stores are a dying breed,

but this one seemed to be just fine indeed.

.

People streamed in and out like little ants;

some wore shorts, while others wore pants.

They all had just one lofty goal in their sights;

zip through this store and be home by night.

.

They fell in line and then followed the throng;

made left/right turns as they all moved along.

It seemed they were trapped in a huge maze;

lost sense of time and got caught in a daze.

.

This box was the object of their arduous trek;

their response upon opening: 'What the heck?'

They had parted the store somewhat inspired;

missed the caveat 'Some assembly required'.

Bill Wallace

.

Ma and Pa robot found their son in a box

They put him together and made him wear sox

He complained so much that they threw them away

And he won’t ever wear them until this day

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.

Robot parts were found in a box

And one robot as smart as a fox

Put it together in half-a-day

It worked fine, but didn’t have much to say

Joey Pellino, Reidsville               

.

Robots are fine, they can go to-and-fro

But when they break down, just like man

They need to go to their maker

Whom everyone should know.

Rev. Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.

When a robot who once was alive

Becomes broken from taking a dive,

       He can go to a shelf

       And go rebuild himself

Like that Short Circuit bot, Johnny Five.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.


BEST INSIDE JOKE

You left your screwdriver in the drawer with the cats in it.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.

"Look at all of the money we saved by not buying feet!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

.

Finally! Grey Poupon by the case!

So. Where will you store your Grey Poupon?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

.


BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

"I wish you'd quit yelling 'Danger, Will Robinson!'."

"If you hit a snag, just call 1-800-GORT."

"If you need help, just yell 'Klaatu, barada, nekto'."

Bill Wallace

.

I was thinking about "Gort!"  What about you?

It doesn't specify!  It could be Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, or even Crowwwwwwwwww! 

I sure hope this thing can help us pass the Turing Test!

... and we'll call him Robbie!

Gort! Klatu borato nicto!  When translated means "You ordered it, you put it together!"

I'm pretty sure this violates Asimov's 3 Laws of Robotics!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"Directions?  You don't need any stinking directions!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

.

Warning Will Robinson!

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

Load comments