jou_shark-shrink_town-crier_070519

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 071019

.

Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

.

And as always, please, no wagering.

.

Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

.

A FAVOR …

Due to an “upgrade” (why are they even called that?) to our email system, I’ll have to ask everyone who sends by email to make sure your text is formatted as “plain text,” as opposed to HTML text or Rich text.

.

Last week’s cartoon was – the town crier. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for -  is Shark at the shrink.

 .


WINNER

“Is he the President's tweeter?”

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.


RUNNERS-UP

“You should try a new ring tone!”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

.

“Hurry up and get to the weather report.”

Bill Wallace

.

“How do we switch channels?”

Tim Tribbett

.

“I wish he’d stop all those commercials and get on with it.”

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.

“Let’s go we can Google it later.”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

.

“I’ll be glad when they invent texting!”

Tony Bean, Danbury

.

“... Just a few more minutes, Please?  Horoscopes should be next.”

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

“Due to all the bad news, I’m being replaced by a jester.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

.


HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

Now a word from our sponsor.

David Core, Greensboro

.

"and those are the headlines.  And now we go to Goody Adams for the daily rumors!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

'I like his ringtone'

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

.


TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

I’ll wager a crown and six pence that in two hundred years our leader will tweet orders to his subjects”!

Bob Norfleet

.


BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

You’re the one who signed up for alerts.

This guy’s too liberal. I like the conservative crier down the block.

I like the one down the street better – he’s describing funny cat antics.

That’s a short list. Must be a slow news day.

I can barely hear him. Must have a weak signal.

.


THE REST

1.  When he speaks, the whole town cries.

2.  The town crier makes me sob.

3.  Hey, dude, no commercials.

5.  Hey, that's yesterday's news.

6.  Don't worry.  We all revere you.

Martha Eakes

.

 “Not again! I’m getting bored with all these witch trials.”

Julian Busby, M.D. High Point

.

“How do we switch channels?”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Concocted news!”

Tim Tribbett

.

“I hate this castor oil commercial.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“You purvey false information!”

Tim Tribbett

.

"Just send us a text later on."

'Shouldn't you have a red kettle?"

"You are a real ding-dong."

"I like hearing it straight from the horse's mouth."

"How do I know this is not fake news?"

"I don't believe you, Mr. Fancy-Pants."

"Could you repeat that part about stocks going up?"

"Behold the first news anchor!"

"Is that the redacted version?"

"That's a lot of 'thees' and 'thous'."

"Our DVR is broken, so we came in person."

"You need to modernize and print a newspaper."

"I could hear better if you'd stop ringing that bell!"

"My husband only listens to FOX news."

"What was that about no fireworks?"

Bill Wallace

.

Bet his ears are ringing too !

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

Madam, Shhh! You're competing with me !

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

I heard he gets a fifth for ringing in the Fourth !

Frank Leonard, Lexington

Change it to," all men, and women, are created equal ! "

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

Are women's rights covered too ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

Wonder if he is wearing ear plugs ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

I'm speechless!

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

Oh No! Another Dem debate!

tom loughlin

.

"Just shut up already"

Jerry Kidd, Greensboro

.

"Hurry up and get to the weather report."

"Who cares about traffic on the local roads?"

"If you'd use Facebook, we'd get this a lot faster."

"Have you thought about tweeting all this stuff?"

'They actually pay you to do this?"

"Just whose mouthpiece are you?"

"I'd like to cancel my subscription."

Bill Wallace

.

“This demand from King George is old news!  I’ll wager a crown and six pence that in two hundred years our leader will tweet orders to his subjects”!

Bob Norfleet

.

And the town crier yelled "Simon says all women scream like a banshee!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"and those are the headlines.  And now we go to Goody Adams for the daily rumors!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"and one special note.  Today's flogging of Hester Prynn is has been rescheduled from 4 to 5 o'clock!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"Town-crier my eye! I don't see any tears."

"I think his name is Walter Cronkite."

"The way he's dressed, you'd think he'd be on TV."

"It's not news when it's something that happened last week."

"Maybe you should get in there and make it a duet."

"Let's hang around - the Weather Channel guy is up next."

"Now I'll have some things to gossip about with our neighbor."

"He's much better at this than the mime that preceded him."

Bill Wallace

.

Time for weather on the one's.

The following is a paid advertisement.

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

Abigail Alert.

Hear ye, hear ye, will be replaced with what's up ya'll.

David Core, Greensboro

.

"Hear Ye!"                     "Hear Ye!"

'I'm Myles ..."                 "...and I'm Sarah"

"And this is..."                "...colonial news at Noon!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

I'm going to Europe and I have nothing to declare!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

Now a word from our sponsor.

David Core, Greensboro

.

No yelling ,screaming or fussing at your husband on this July 4 week ordered by the king...

Larry Miller, Greensboro

.

" Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Donate now for a new sound system!"

Jonathan Sparrow-Greensboro

.

"What are you crying about now?"

Luther Jackson, Stoneville

.

"Bingo tonight at the Town Hall, 8:00 PM."

David Shoulberg, Greensboro

.

"... and that's the headlines.  Next with the weather is Goody Elizabeth Mather!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.

1. Yeah, yeah, yeah we hear you!

2. I don't remember leaving a wake up call?

3. I can tell you already "All is not well"!!

4. I'll be glad when they invent texting!

5. "Boy the news is slow today"!

6. " Be careful whose bell your ringing there bub'!

7 " Glad to see they fixed the intercom"

Tony Bean, Danbury

.

What happens if he gets laryngitis ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

Is he the President's tweeter ?

Frank Leonard, Lexington

.

The king has declared that betting on "The Joke's on You" is now illegal!

The United States has changed its status to "Independent."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.

 “Here Ye, Here Ye! Has anyone seen my cell phone?”

“You should try a new ring tone!”

“For crying out loud, would you stop ringing that bell?”

“Here Ye, Here Ye! Starting  tomorrow all bulletins will be sent via text!”

“You don’t have to yell so loud, we’re the only two people that live in this town!”

Rusty Morgan/Greensboro

 .

We need to tell him about the internet.

He said his name is Walter Cronkite the First.

No video.  Let's go watch CNN.

The news is old, but there's no commercials.

How do we turn down his volume?

Quiet!  He's coming to the gossip section.

I would cry too if I had to read the news everyday.

It's fake news because he's just making it up as he goes along.

Did he say there's a 4th of July sale at the  general store?

Did you hear the headline?  Ben Franklin gets struck by lighting.

What's so special about July the 4th?

No, I don't want to stay to hear the baseball scores.

Next time buy a newspaper.  I want the coupons.

A lot of crying and no comics.

Do you think he does home delivery?

He's just showing off because he's the only one who can read.

I'm waiting my turn to do the opinion section.

Let's go we can Google it later.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

.

And now to tell you what I really meant is my wife, Goody Two Shoes!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"I wouldn't call the McDonald's menu news."

"Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun?"

"Do you have to tell everyone we're behind on our rent?"

"Wait a minute....is this a re-run?"

Bill Wallace

.

... and tonight we unveil our new town crier feature-  stereo!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

Chain scrolls again

Man: Marion sent that recipe you wanted

Woman: Thank there

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! All those in favor of legalizing marijuana, raise you right hand

Mitch Poole, Mt. Juliet, TN

.

It's just the Town crier. I thought it was dinner time.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way......

The Town crier was so surprised by what he was reading he threw his wine over his shoulder.

Everyone, except Bob, was surprised by the new Thanksgiving menu.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

.

#1:    "Happy Independence Day!"

#2:    "Hmmm...  Two of us have open mouths this week, which creates some doubt as to who's the one doing the talking; but, in this case, one of them is a woman, so it must be her!"

#3:    "Then again, maybe we're singing a duet!"

#4:    "Yankee Doodle went to town

           Riding on a pony,

           Stuck a feather in his cap

           And called it, 'Macaroni!'"        ...with apologies to Dr. Richard Shuckburgh and Edward Bangs.

#5:    "It's not Thanksgiving yet, Pilgrim!"

#6:    "I hereby declare...an excuse for a holiday this time next year!"

#7:    "Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Here in my hands, I hold the precursor, to the Greensboro News & Record!"

#8:    "Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the Great Election which will

determine the course of our nation.  Is it going to be hamburgers or hot dogs for tomorrow's cookout?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

.

“I prefer the out of town criers.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Oh great...another ad for horseshoes.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Up next is the mannequin with the fake news.”

“I thought there might be a chicken leg epidemic.”

“Due to all the bad news, I’m being replaced by a jester.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

.

“Let’s see what’s on the other scrolls.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“I love scroll binging.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“We now stream the news. It comes by boat.”

Tim Tribbett

.

The menu is turkey and Grey Poupon

I believe the British are coming

Let’s invite our Indian friends

So, how’s our date going so far ?

Cell phones for everyone

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

.

“I paid extra for the ad free version.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Shhh....I’m binging gossip.”

Tim Tribbett

.

“I am not a witch! Fake news!”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Lard’s on sale!”

Tim Tribbett

.

“Did he say Crazy Kevin’s horse sale? No credit, no problem?”

Tim Tribbett

.

'That's an interesting smart phone'

'I like his ringtone'

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

.

#9:    "When the sun reaches its peak today, directly overhead, at the middle of this day, before we declare our Independence, we shall cease to accept any further entries...to The Joke Is On You!"

#10:    "The internet has crashed!  The internet has crashed!"

#11:    "Oh, come on, now!  Who do we really think we're fooling?  Everyone knows that Interstate 95 is just right over there!"

#12:    "Let the bell toll, for recess is over!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

.

The following does not necessarily reflect the beliefs of management!

Mike Perry, Eden

.

"I don't get it.  If he's the Town Crier, why he is yelling and not crying?"

"I just had a flash into the Future!!!  I see us staring at something in our hands... Reading the same stuff as he is yelling!  I don't get it."

"Are you SURE he's just for the hearing impaired??"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

"Crier:  "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream...." ;  Woman (slightly delayed): "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream..." (hahaha... it may or may not be funny, but it's in your head now, isn't it? :) ) 

Woman: "STOP Mocking ME!!";   Crier:  "STOP Mocking ME!"

"Hear Ye! Hear Ye!  Be it known that I. P. Freeley..... HEY, WAIT a Minute!!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

"OH! This is where we came in."

"OH!  This is where we came in.  We can go now."

"Here Ye, Here Ye, Bidding Price for Male Subject of the Day is $1."    Woman:  "One dollar." (Ya know.... that's so dumb that it's funny)

"Here Ye, Here Ye, Batchelor Bidding for the Day is at $1." Woman: "Will you take a 6 pense?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

 (Hi Tim!!  Our Family has had some intense challenges lately, and again, JOU is serving to MAKE us think of other things.  Last week, I never got a free minute....at ALL... to enter even a BLIP, and come FRIDAY, it was so anti-climactic to know that there wasn't even a remote chance.....

And there was last week or 2 before when everyone had played, and Mandy started entering them, got one of the current major interruptions, and stopped mid-stream.   Aunt Patsy's thought that week was "Well, at Least THIS WEEK, I KNOW why I didn't win!!!" :)    I know you've heard me say this before, but JOU truly holds a special place in the heart of our family. Love you!!  CC & the Gang)

Sorry to hear this, CC! Hope things have gotten better! But I'm glad to know that all of us here at The Joke's on You - including the captioners who make this fun - helps in some small way. Hang in there, CC and the gang!

.

"Attention Salem Shoppers:  There will be a Blue Candle Special when the noon bell rings, behind Ye Olde Blacksmyth."

"For Halloween, he dresses up as The Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"For Christmas, he's thinking about adding a Bucket and seeing if anyone gives him cash!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

"... just a few more minutes, Please?  Horoscopes should be next."

"Crier:  "2 cups sugar.  1 cup flour...";  Woman:  "Honey.... he's going too fast.... if you want me to make this, PLEASE ask him to slow down..."

Crier:  "2 cups sugar";  Woman:  "He already said 2 cups sugar.... does that make it 4 cups??.... ask him, Honey .. PLEASSSSE?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

"And Now for SPORTS:     Salem Turncoats - 7,  Boston TeaTotallers - 0..."

"That concludes meeting updates.  Billy, your mother says 'Come Home NOW for dinner & DON'T make The Crier have to read this Again!' "

"Volunteers are needed for Next Week's WitchHunt. Info is at Trump Tavern."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

"Correction to Last Night's Announcement;  it Should have read: One if by land, TWO if by sea."

"We'd like to apologize for any confusion caused by last night's misreading of 'One if by sand, two if by tea'."

"Did he just say that The Town Square will Now Be Round???"

"I'm glad he clarified that Friday's Free Shoe Clinic is for BlackSmyths Only! I was going!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

.

Cant’ we switch to another channel?

Do you think they’ll ever find a better way to text?

I wish he’d stop all those commercials and get on with it.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.


THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” JOKES

No walks into a bar jokes this week?

.


BEST POEMS

Anchorman

In the early days, when our country was new,

communication was difficult, not simple to do.

Forget newspapers, phones, and of course, TV;

these guys were still using words such as 'Thee'.

.

News traveled slowly and was delivered by mouth;

it mattered not if you lived in the north or south.

If you wanted to learn of the latest victory/defeat,

then you had to go out and stand in the street.

.

Unlike now, the public had very limited choices;

headlines were announced by very loud voices.

If neighbors depended on you the news to retell,

you had to go listen to some guy ringing a bell.

.

Births, deaths, marriages, and an occasional fire

all were reported by this man called town-crier.

Everyone knew him and trusted his recitations;

no one knows who subbed for him on vacations.

.

In the modern world, this appears to be a mess;

a method more ancient than the Pony Express.

Instead of getting updates from a dude in flannel,

we hit the remote and choose a favorite channel.

Bill Wallace

.

We we saw the flyer

we read that we would soon have a town crier

At first he was hard to beat

But after a while, it was all repeats.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.

The town crier came out at last

And through his horn came a big blast

I’m glad this town is my last

The last town I had to wear a mask.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

.

Hear ye! Hear ye! I've news here for thee!

After filling a harbor with tea,

      On this July the fourth,

      Both the south and the north

Do declare to the king that we're free!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.


BEST INSIDE JOKE

The king has declared that betting on "The Joke's on You" is now illegal!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

.

The Town crier was so surprised by what he was reading he threw his wine over his shoulder.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

I liked this literal interpretation of the cartoon

.

"Hmmm ...  Two of us have open mouths this week, which creates some doubt as to who's the one doing the talking; but, in this case, one of them is a woman, so it must be her!"

"Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Here in my hands, I hold the precursor, to the Greensboro News & Record!"

"When the sun reaches its peak today, directly overhead, at the middle of this day, before we declare our Independence, we shall cease to accept any further entries...to The Joke Is On You!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

.

The menu is turkey and Grey Poupon

So, how’s our date going so far ?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

.


BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

"and one special note.  Today's flogging of Hester Prynn is has been rescheduled from 4 to 5 o'clock!"

Mike Perry, Eden

.


BEST/WORST PUNS

No puns?

.


BEST EARWORMS

      "Yankee Doodle went to town

       Riding on a pony,

       Stuck a feather in his cap

       And called it, 'Macaroni!'"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

...with apologies to Dr. Richard Shuckburgh and Edward Bangs.

 .

"Crier:  "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream...." ;  Woman (slightly delayed): "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream..." (hahaha... it may or may not be funny, but it's in your head now, isn't it? :) ) 

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

D’oh!!