jou_coffee-cat_cake-party_080219

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 080719

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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Have a funny photo of your pet you’d like to see in “Joke’s On You?” Submit a funny picture of your pet to have others write captions for it. Just email the image to jokesonyou@greensboro.com

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Last week’s cartoon was – the cake party. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for – is writing a caption for the cat and coffee mug photo.

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WINNER

“You lost a lot of weight since you went under the knife.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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RUNNERS-UP

“It’s a good thing this only happens once a year!”

Bill Wallace

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“Let’s celebrate Betty’s last day of work.”

Debra Watson, Eden

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“Boy, is he lit!”

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“Uh, I’ll just have some ice cream.”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“We’re so sad about your condition. We’re all in tiers!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Don’t you think you’re a little young to be smoking?”

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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“I can remember when he was just batter.”

Tim Tribbet

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“You look great! New diet?”

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

 “Did you get down-sized?”

Bill Wallace

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“What’s eating you?”

Mike Perry, Eden

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"You've got a lot of nerve crashing the party."

David Shoulberg, Greensboro

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That will be us some day.

Woody Deyton, Greensboro

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When are you going to grow up?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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No, that party is down the hall.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

My word!  Were you on a diet?   You’re a mere sliver of your former self.

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

I know it’s cannibalism, but we just taste so darn good.

Wow, you’re down to a size 2! What’s your secret?

So, you went under the knife to lose weight?

You look smaller. Have you been dieting?

I’m starting to think this party was a bad idea

You think you have it bad! Did you see what happened to the piñata?

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JR. WINNER

Hmm ... whose birthday is it?

Adam Reese age 9, Lexington

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JR. RUNNER-UP

Who did it?

It was you!

Ethan Reese age 11, Lexington

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THE REST

1.  Happy birthday, Homeslice!

2.  Pack on the pounds, and  you can have a hat like mine!

3.  That candle is the icing on the cake!

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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All I am saying is give piece a chance.

Boy, is he lit!!!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"What happened to the rest of you?"

"Just who is this Hannibal Lechter?"

"I've heard you get smaller as you get older."

"You must be a time-capsule."

"Nobody told us that would happen!"

"More people survived the sinking of the Titanic."

"That doesn't sound like a very happy birthday."

"The only thing worse would to be a piñata."

"Did you get down-sized?"

"Now I see why there's a big stack of paper plates on the table."

"It's a good thing this only happens once a year!"

Bill Wallace

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“We get to eat and Sally loses some weight. Win win!”

Tim Tribbett

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"No matter how you slice it, it doesn't sound like fun to me."

"Why bother with presents if we're not here to open them?"

"Whose idea was this party - the Marquis de Sade?"

"This reminds me of that movie with Jodie Foster."

"When ice cream hears about this, he'll run for cover."

"Sounds like a spanking good time to me."

"You're kind of like the eternal flame."

"Now I wish I was a pie."

"I wondered why my relatives disappeared every year."

Bill Wallace

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"What do you mean, we're a bunch of cone-heads?"

"You've been hiding out in the refrigerator?"

"You're lucky - there's usually nothing left but a bunch of crumbs."

"The last thing you remember is someone blowing out the candles?"

"I doubt anyone will bother you due to your age."

Bill Wallace

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I just realized, this celebration is about the light at the end of the tunnel...

Don't you think you're a little young to be smoking?

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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Uh, I'll just have some ice cream.

This is all he has left after the divorce.

She always goes to pieces on her birthday.

He's the oldest of eight slices.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“Yup, you are the chosen one!”

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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You just get lit too early in the party and this is what happens.  You never learn!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Congratulations!  You made the cut!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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1. You look great!  New diet?

2. Sorry kid. This is an adults only party.

3. Are you telling us that we will look like that when the party’s over?

4. Did they use a sharp knife?

5. We were expecting ice cream for desert.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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Well aren't you just a cute little slice of life?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Where'd they get you?  At a blow-out sale?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Well, I see Jack is a little tipsy tonight.  I guess that's to be expected from a rum cake!

Mike Perry, Eden

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What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?  Fat!  You get fat!  What were you expecting?  A pi joke?

Mike Perry, Eden

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We're so sad about your condition.  We're all in tiers!j

Mike Perry, Eden

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Looks like the cook used a lot of shortening!

Mike Perry, Edem

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What's eating you?

Mike Perry, Eden

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“The invitation clearly stated ‘unsliced and no candles’!”

Respectfully submitted

Bob Norfleet, Greensboro

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"Well, I guess it's a one and done birthday for her...."

"It won't be long until he's spit upon."

"That's all that's left of Sweet Sixteen."

"It's sad that human birthdays become our death days, isn't it ?"

"I wish I could be the top of a wedding cake and frozen until the first anniversary."

"Betty's wishing she could keep that candle burning."

"Do you have one last wish, Sally ?"

"She was just baked yesterday."

"For she's a nice-looking slice; for she's a nice-looking...."

"Your life's a piece of cake now, huh ?"

"How's it feel to be the guest of honor ?"

"This is your day to shine."

"Dibs on blowing out her candle."

"Let's celebrate Betty's last day of work."

"You've made life a little sweeter."

Debra Watson, Eden

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How come the slice of cake doesn't have to wear a slice of pepperoni pizza on his head?

It is imperative that I  save junior from the fire stick! But first I must think of a wish.....

I don't think " slice of life" means the same thing to cakes.

slice of cake: You want a piece of me!"

Back in the days before electricity this is what it looked like when someone had an idea.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff,AZ

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Am I really wearing a polka dot cone like the others??

Sure we’ll hide ya but I think the candle will give you away.

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley,AZ

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"Congrats; you haven't been eaten!  The rest is a piece of cake...."

Larry Parrish,  Eden

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“This will go straight to my hips...literally.”

Tim Tribbett

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Didn't we do this last year?  It's like deja vous all over again!

Mike Perry, Eden

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What's it feel like to be a shortcake?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Tell us-   what's been eating you?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Why don't you take off early?  We all know what it's like to feel crumby!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You know, you just upset everyone with you strange ideas.  You're as nutty as a..........nope!   I'm not going there!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You want a piece of me?  Looks like everyone here has had a piece of you!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"That's a tough way to lose weight."

"You're awful close to a Betty Crocker benediction."

Bill Wallace

“Phil gave us a piece of his mind.”

Tim Tribbett

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I wonder if he's going to smear himself all over his face?

You'd think a piece of one-year-old cake would be kinda stale...

We're all going to miss you here at Maxie B's.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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"You are a party animal!"

"That explains the one-party limit."

"You mean you were bigger when you were born?"

Bill Wallace

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“Whoa..that’s a nice piece of ass.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Ironically this was his first and last birthday.”

Tim Tribbett

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" For all the basic tasks you do, your name is legendary."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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There's only once piece of you left, Harry.  It's time to go the kitchen and meet your maker!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I can understand you wanting to know how cakes are made, but that's only on a knead to know basis!

Mike Perry, Eden

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It was a great party while he lasted.

Poor Burt has worked himself to pieces.

Only seven more years and junior will be a whole cake.

Wow!  That was a heck of a face lift.

Thanks everyone, but I think that slice and I are related.

He looks like he lost a knife fight.

Who wants to eat a year old cake?

I wasn't baked to handle this situation.

This is awkward.

Thanks guys, but I would have been happy with a Twinkie.

Which one of you guys made the organ donation?

How did you know I needed a new kidney?

Awww, thanks for the new kidney, guys.

I've been hanging around Rickard too long.  My first thought when I saw this

week's cartoon was, "Alright!  Cannibal birthday cakes!"

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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#1:    "It's so easy, it's a piece of cake!"

#2:    "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your candle out!"

#3:    "You know Father Jack's rule.  Don't light candles until the last minute, because candles are expensive!"

#4:    "Happy Birthday!" 

#5:    "Is this the type of candle that re-lights itself after you blow it out?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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“Looks like I can have my cake and Edith too.”

Tim Tribbett

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1.  “What’s up home-slice”

2.  “Five bucks says the kid can’t put out fire.”

3.  “And here lies 1/8th of Pinky’s final remains. May he digest in peace”

Carlos D’agostino, Greensboro

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No, she didn't spend all that much money on this party.  She got everything at a blow-out sale!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“She really put her heart into this party.”

Tim Tribbett

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Maybe they used too much shortening!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“She put her heart into this.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Hopefully it’s no one we know.”

Tim Tribbet

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"You've got a lot of nerve crashing the party."

David Shoulberg, Greensboro

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Well, aren't you Mr. Popular?

Mike Perry. Eden

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“I can remember when he was just batter.”

Tim Tribbett

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That will be us some day.

Woody Deyton, Greensboro

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You were always a cut-up

When are you going to grow up ?

They didn’t cut the mustard after all

Aha, a slice of delicious Grey Poupon cake left

One is the loneliest number

The first cut is the deepest

Relax, you’ll go down easy

You’re such a sweet little thing

We’ve got you covered

You got a penalty for icing ?

Any last requests?

You were on the most wanted list

You were the pick of the litter

Where’s the beef ?

Did he want fries with that ?

Uh, oh. Here comes Billy with his 30 friends

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“You’re a real cutup.”

“You lost a lot of weight since you went under the knife.”

“We told you that you can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

“You’re a piece of...let’s just say you’re easy.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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Hey!  I think they're talking about you on Reddit!

Mike Perry, Eden

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It is rather strange how you're the only one feeling light headed!

Mike Perry, Eden

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There's a Mr. 3.1415926535987932384626433.... asking for you outside!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Well, that's what happens when you go around asking someone "You wanna piece of me?"

Mike Perry, Eden

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Marie Antoinette's birthday party last week really puts this one to shame!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Never thought I'd say this, but you look hotter and thinner than anyone else here!

Mike Perry, Eden

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My word!  Were you on a diet?   You’re a mere sliver of your former self.   

Did you know you have a fire on your head?

Oh no....There’s a Cake War!!!  Thanks Scout.

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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We’re glad that you showed up, even if all of you couldn’t make it.

No, that party is down the hall.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

Hmm ... whose birthday is it ?

Adam Reese age 9, Lexington

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Who did it ?

It was you!

Ethan Reese age 11, Lexington


THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” JOKES

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.  Upon receiving it, he takes of his jacket and reveals cake frosting on his elbow. When asked about it by the bartender, he replied "When I got home today, I told my wife I had hurt my elbow. She asked "have you tried icing it?!

Mike Perry, Eden

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A cake walked into Sam’s bar and orders a beer. After a while he notices everyone's been staring at him since he walked in the door. He asks the barman, "What’s everyone's problem?" The barman says, "If I were you I'd get the out if here... looks to me like everyone wants a piece of you!" "That's nothing mate", replies the cake, "I’ve taken on hundreds and thousands before, these guys would be a piece of cake. Their half-baked attempts wouldn't get a rise out of me. I'm no cupcake, and they'll be in tiers after I batter those fruitcakes. I think it's a trifle rude that you're making cake puns while I'm still here. Call the cops if you like, it'll be the icing on the cake, I've been in custardy before, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. Just let me finish my drink, I'll be scone before you know it."

"I'm sorry", says the barman, "Thanks for pudding up with me".

Mike Perry, Eden

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Two cakes walk into a bar.  Both cakes order a beer.  The cake with white frosting asks for a straw.  The white frosted cake takes sip through the straw then suddenly rises off the stool and hovers over the bar.  The cake flies rapidly around the room, then hovers over the beer and takes several sips from the straw. The cake flies around the room a couple more times, then suddenly darts out The front door.  The other cake looks at the startled bartender and says, "He's  a hummingbird cake."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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A cake walks into a bar and orders a double whiskey.  He sits at the bar staring off into space and then starts to tremble and mutter to himself. The bartender comes over and asks him what's wrong.  The cake says, "I just got a call from my wife.  She told me she's got a dozen cupcakes in the oven."  The bartender says," What so bad about that?"  The cake replies," She's at the doctor's office."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Two cakes walk into a bar and order a couple of beers.  One cake says to the other," Did you hear about Larry the lava cake?"  The other cake says, "No. What's up with Larry?"  The first cake says," He had to file for bankruptcy because his big idea for a flying car flopped."  The other cake says," Well I'm not surprised.  That guy has always been half baked."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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BEST POEMS

Annual Ritual

We mark each year's journey round the sun

with cake and treats, everyone enjoys the fun.

The candles, the balloons, the other trappings

lend a festive air to all the present unwrapping.

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This is mainly observed by the younger set;

it can seem a bit much the older one gets.

There's a good reason why that's the plan;

it's not very pleasant becoming an old man.

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The calendar flips, the years zoom right by;

we're left dazed and confused, wondering why.

One day we were kids, playing funny games;

now we have trouble remembering names.

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So let's leave this celebration to girls and boys;

we've had our time with all the games and toys.

We might still attend these festive activities,

if we overcome all of our forgetful proclivities.

Bill Wallace

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There were cakes and cakes at the party last night

giving tribute to one little slice

When the party was over, there was nothing left

so the balloons and the hats went back on the shelf

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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Here's a math fact you cannot deny.

It's a strange one, and I'll tell you why:

       The circumference of cake?

       All the steps that you take:

You must multiply two r times pi.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

You say you were on a spaceship last week?

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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I've been hanging around Rickard too long.  My first thought when I saw this week's cartoon was, "Alright!  Cannibal birthday cakes!"

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Aha, a slice of delicious Grey Poupon cake left

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?  Fat!  You get fat!  What were you expecting?  A pi joke?

There's a Mr. 3.1415926535987932384626433 ... asking for you outside!

Marie Antoinette's birthday party last week really puts this one to shame!

Mike Perry, Eden

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We're all going to miss you here at Maxie B's.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST/WORST PUNS

We're so sad about your condition. We're all in tiers!

I can understand you wanting to know how cakes are made, but that's only on a knead to know basis!

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST EARWORMS

None this week.