jou_genie_spiders_110819

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 111319

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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Last week’s cartoon was the spiders. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is  – the genie.

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WINNER

“How about a nice romantic evening, and then a late night snack?”

Deb Printup

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RUNNERS-UP

“I’m so glad I found you on the web.”

Tony Bean, Danbury

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“Thanks for coming to dinner.”

 Connie Barnes, Greensboro

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“I’m not looking for a long term relationship.”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“It’s an iron-on decal, but it stops them from hitting on me.”

Bill Wallace

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“Dating’s hard since word got out.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I once dated a brown recluse, but he never wanted to go anywhere.”

Debra Watson, Eden

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“Thanks for visiting my website!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I just sat on that bench marked ‘wet paint’.  Did I get any on me?

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, Az

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“Just came from the tattoo parlor.”

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

“The deaths of my previous 33 husbands were coincidences.”

Bill Wallace

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"Trust me, it's just a tattoo."

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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Nice work, you have passed your web design class

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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“Relax! It’s just a sticker. I don’t get the real mark until you’re dead.”

Betty Dixon, Greensboro

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Sometimes I spin a web just to watch people's reactions when they walk into it.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“No, you won‘t be needing desert!’

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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"Did you take out that life insurance policy yet ?"

Brandon Breeze

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“You’ve been spending a lot of time on the web.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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Oh, the red mark on my back side? You’ll find out soon enough.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions. The tattoo joke with a twist.

“Stop calling it a tramp stamp!”

Tim Tribbett

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

You eat 17 mates and suddenly you get a reputation!

I’m going to the doctor to have this birthmark removed. It really spooks the guys.

I make sure to crop that out in my dating app profile pictures.

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THE REST

How about a nice romantic evening, and then a late night snack?

Deb Printup

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“Why did you get a red tattoo?  You are asking for trouble!”

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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1. I’m so glad I found you on the web.

2. Well, Hello Spiderman

3. Thanks for coming over for dinner.

4. What can I say I’m a web developer !

5. I dressed as my favorite hero the black widow!!

6. Just wait our meal will be along soon!

7. I’d love to have you on my yard wide web!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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"Instead of a pre-nup, you might need a Last  Will and Testament."

"You must be pretty desperate for a date."

"Just remember, love hurts."

"I'm not worried about you leaving me."

"This hourglass represents your time left on earth."

"Don't pay any attention to all those wrapped-up carcasses."

"It's like the Hotel California - you can check in, but never leave."

"Let's just say I'll be your last love."

"Don't buy any green bananas."

"Just a formality - who's your next of kin?"

"My web is on Ralph Nader's target-list."

"I'm a big believer in 'til death do us part'."

"I can explain the 200 insurance checks in my mailbox."

"I originated the 'one and done' philosophy."

Bill Wallace

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“Come up and see me sometime “

Mari Reavis, Eden

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“Come make yourself at home”

Craige Reavis, Eden

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“Stop calling it a tramp stamp!”

Tim Tribbett

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I'm just doing my part for the World Wide Web!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Why'd I pick a tree?  Because I  got tired of going up that lousy spout!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I should have paid more attention in my Web Design class!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Someday son, all this will be yours!

Mike Perry, Eden

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What do you think of my website?

Mike Perry, Eden

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As you can see, I didn't major in Web Design at school!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Charlotte?  Who is Charlotte?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Thanks for visiting my website!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You're back.  Did you get tired of going up and down that waterspout?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I knew I'd get sucked into your web of lies!"

Cindy Argiento, Greensboro

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"Take a number."

"What's your poison?"

"It's kind of like a water-bed."

"A skull-and-crossbones would be more appropriate."

"You'll find I'm to die for."

"Think Romeo and Juliet, but she survives."

"No, I didn't misspell it - this is your horrorscope."

"I prefer a short honeymoon."

"Those 'Best Wishes' should read 'Last Wishes'."

"You have no idea how stunning I can be."

"The marriage license has a death certificate on the flip side."

"My previous 43 husbands died suddenly with a smile on their face."

Bill Wallace

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Oh, I think you did a very nice job.   But wouldn't going on line to make a web site be easier?

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Can you stay for lunch?”

Craige Reavis, Eden

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“I would love to have you for lunch!”

Craige Reavis, Eden

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I’m tired of people asking me what time it is.

If I get asked what time it is once more . . . * # + @ % !!! $ & * !!! *

Joan Lux

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I scared the layout guy so much that he ran a month-old cartoon for "The Joke's on You!"

Now the really good flies taste just like Grey Poupon.

Just think - Miss Tallulah Bankhead's last role was named after ME!

Sometimes I spin a web just to watch people's reactions when they walk into it.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“Dating's hard since word got out.”

Tim Tribbett

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I've been burgled twice this last year.  So I'm thinking of installing a web cam!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Yes, it's nice.  But wouldn't a blog be easier to maintain?

Mike Perry, Eden

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You've put in a lot of time of effort.  But I go to K-Mart, buy some fly paper, and I'm done!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Relax! It’s just a sticker.  I don’t get the real mark until you’re dead.”

Betty Dixon, Greensboro

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And this is where we all gather each morning for spin class!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"How would you like to be my spider-man?"

"Don't consider that a red flag."

"Believe me, I know you won't kiss and tell."

"You're in risk management? That's interesting."

"We could elope, but that will just delay the inevitable."

"Don't let suspicion poison our relationship."

"Me a murderer? Of corpse not!"

"You should recognize that music. It's the theme from 'Jaws'."

"Why am I licensed to perform the last rites? It's just a hobby."

"You're a dead ringer for my first husband."

Bill Wallace

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“What...have flies mess up my beautiful web!? “

Tim Tribbett

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“Will you be home for supper?”

“Sorry, but I eat guys like you for dinner!”

“No, you want be needing desert!’

“The men in my life don’t seem to stick around.”

“I haven’t seen them but feel free to search the web.”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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"Trust me!"

Ed

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"Thanks for coming to dinner."

Connie Barnes, Greensboro

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What's for dinner?  Why, you of course.

Cooper Allen, age 14.  Greensboro

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The fridge is empty.  Wanna order a pizza?

Beth Allen, Greensboro, Peter Allen, Wentworth

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Want a drink?  Just name your poison!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Dinner?  Sure!  I'll be glad to have you for dinner anytime you want!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I WISH my web site had a few bugs in it.”

Tim Tribbett

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“That Charlotte is such a freakin’ showoff!”

Tim Tribbett

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“Thanks for the great meal dear. Still gonna eat you though.”

Tim Tribbett

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"This has good curb appeal and if you don't buy it I'll devour you."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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Nice work, you have passed your web design class

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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You have to leave?  Well, if you have to, but let’s eat first!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Wonderful! Now you can get a job in web design!

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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Nice work; now you can go out and corner the web design market!

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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“I prefer a higher thread count.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I prefer a higher thread count.”

Tim Tribbett

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Shall we dance?  I'm mighty hungry.

I'm mighty hungry.  Let''s dance.

I'm all for black widow's lib.

Let's finish this web, then I'll have a snack.  You're looking mighty tasty.

How come you won't dance with me?

You look good enough to devour.

You're looking mighty tasty.

I'm feeling weak.  Give me your arm and leg and so forth.

I don't have insurance for the delivery.  I'm counting on you.  Yum, yum.

I was going to sue you, but I'll eat you instead.

This is widow's revenge.

This pregnancy gives me an appetite.  You're looking mighty good.

Your place or mine?  I'm hungry.

Norma Kay, Greensboro

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"This poor excuse for a mattress can't support one, much less both of us!"

George Kiorpes, Greensboro

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I hope you aren't looking for a long time relationship!

Mike Perry, Eden

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”You spin a nice web honey!” What’s for dinner?”

”You spin a nice web honey!” Where is dinner?”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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And this, my dear, is our honeymoon suite!

Mike Perry, Edem

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Welcome to my home.  You look like you could really use a bite!

After tonight, you'll feel like you died and went to heaven!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Once you go black, you never go back!

Mike Perry, Eden

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A black widow spider walks into a bar and sits down.  The barkeep strolls over and asks "What's your poison?"

Mike Perry, Eden

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Where is our dinner? This must be a No Fly Zone!

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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"Want to stroll through the web ?"

"I just love my hourglass figure."

"Did you take out that life insurance policy yet ?"

"Well, we all have to die at some point...."

"Me, practice to deceive ?"

"It's beautiful ! I hope we both live long enough to enjoy it."

"I'd just love to have you over for dinner."

"How about going out for a bite ?"

"Well, yes, all of my husbands have died."

"It's not quite worldwide, but it's pretty big."

"I so want to get married again...."

"I picture a short courtship and a long life, for me."

"The life insurance agent is coming over this afternoon."

"We ladies do have quite a reputation."

"I have naturally caused all of my mates to die."

"I tell you killing is just in my nature."

"I once dated a brown recluse, but he never wanted to go anywhere."

"Why don't we just cuddle in the web ?"

Debra Watson, Eden

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1- Wanna know the time? Read my hourglass.

2- It's not Charlotte's web but it will do.

3- We could have killer sex.

4- You didn't ask me about my missing leg.

5- Is an affair with a brown recluse interracial?

Max Harless, High Point

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You call it my web of deceit, I call it home.

Brandon Breeze

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”Are we in a no fly zone?”

”Wye did you spin this web in a no fly zone?”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboto

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1)  "He's toast!  He got too close to my 'hourglass', if you know what I mean?"

2)  "My hourglass figure drives the males wild!"

Larry Parrish,  Leaksville

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"As soon as we take our vows, I'm taking you out."

"Is your life insurance up-to-date?"

"The deaths of my previous 33 husbands were coincidences."

"I had nothing to do with the last one - he broke his neck using the web as a trampoline."

Bill Wallace

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"As you can see, the cupboard is bare now."

"It's my first web, so it's a little tangled."

"Those horrifying newspaper stories were exaggerations!"

"It's an iron-on decal, but it stops them from hitting on me."

"My spidey-sense tells me you're single."

Bill Wallace

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"Trust me, it's just a tattoo."

"It will be a once of a lifetime experience, I promise."

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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Why don't you come on up?  I'd like to have you for dinner!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I wanted an atomic clock. You see what the tattooist gave me.

If the power fails, I still know the time.

Henry Greensboro

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#1:    "Hey, big boy!  Come with me!  I promise, you'll never again have such an experience!"

#2:    "Hi!  My name is Charlotte!  What's yours?"

#3:    "What do you expect me to do?  Bite your head off?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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"This hourglass indicates you have very little time left!”

John Koppel, Greensboro

I'll race ya!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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I've been dying to eat-  uh excuse me- meet you!

Lynda Perry, Eden

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"Yep, it's that time of the month."

"How dare you take advantage of a widow."

"That's the last time I let you treat me to a bloody Mary."

"Did you get me blood drunk?"

"Surely, I had too much to drink last night."

Carlos D'Agostino,  Greensboro

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Would you care to come to my place for a little Shake and Bake.

Is that Grey Poupon cologne you’re wearing?

Don’t worry you’re not my taste in a guy.

You look vert tasty, er, handsome tonight.

You’re so sweet, I could just eat you up.

I’m not looking for a long term relationship.

I’m not a black widow yet.

My mom always told me to choose a mate that tasted just like dear old dad.

Let’s get kinky, smear some ketchup on yourself.

Your picture on Mate.com looked delicious.

I’m not a black widow, the hour glass is a tattoo.

This isn’t an hourglass, it’s a tramp stamp.

I’ve never met a man I didn’t like.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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 “I’ve been married before how about you?”

Mari Reavis, Eden

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1. Stay away, Charlotte, this web is mine.

2. Don’t come in here! It took me eight hours to weave this gem.

3. I spent hours weaving my entry into the “most beautiful web” contest and all I got for winning was this jug tattooed on my belly.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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So, handsome -- would you like to step into my web for a bite of supper?

Arista Shelton, Greensboro

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"Of course, ALL Black Widow Lives Matter!!! My 8th husband told me that."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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“I’m hungry, let’s get frisky.”

“No, it’s not a keyhole.”

“Looks like it’s leftovers for dinner.”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time on the web.”

“What do you mean it’s on the wrong side.”

“Do you want to flip this house?”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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He's a good tattoo artist, but he only knows one design...

Of course, I learned how to do this on the web!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“This is my branch office.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Don’t get comfortable. You won’t be here long.”

Tim Tribbett

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C’mon in.  Wanna show you my new kitchen.  

Ya gotta get a red tattoo like mine.   Keeps all the. males away.

It’s like  bungee jumping.   Just grab a strand and leap.

Ever seen a black widow-er?

I just sat on that bench marked “wet paint”.  Did I get any on me?

Does this red hourglass make me look fat?

We even have wi-fi.  

Ever seen a black widow-er?

I just sat on that bench marked “wet paint”.  Did I get any on me?

Does this red hourglass make me look fat?

We even have wi-fi.  

Ever seen a black widow-er?

I just sat on that bench marked “wet paint”.  Did I get any on me?

Does this red hourglass make me look

Don't get a tattoo when you're drunk. This was suppose to on my stomach!

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, Az

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What a tangled web we weave

What hour is it ? What am I ? a timepiece ?

Widow. You ?

Just came from the tattoo parlor

How does my new tattoo look?

It’s the new Grey Poupon label

Formula 409 will take it off

Like my new app ?

Tested and fully working

Yes, there is something going on between us

There is someone else

I stand out in a crowd

But I wanted to join a gang

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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Someday, Son, all this will be yours.

Oh, the red mark on my back side? You’ll find out soon enough.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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Another movie and you’ll make me a widow.

Ray Boyles, High Point

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

A black widow spider walks into a bar and sits down.  The barkeep strolls over and asks "What's your poison?"

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST POEMS

Short Romance

A Black Widow seems to be pitching and wooing;

later on there will be loud wails instead of cooing.

She's no doubt showing him only her finest side;

her homicidal tendencies she conveniently hides.

 

She's had a lot of previous practice at this craft,

has grown skilled at giving her suitors the shaft.

None of them ever seem to see death looming;

this poor sucker she'll soon be busy entombing.

 

Most victims are too polite to mention her mark;

that reticence will lead them straight to the dark.

None of these Romeos ever slightly suspected

that with her lethal poison he'd soon be injected.

 

Another body will soon be added to her domain;

she'll revel in delivering their surprise and pain.

Her behavior shouldn't come totally unexpected;

she believes love and death are truly connected.

 

That explains why you will seldom see her mate;

their relationship was limited to just one hot date.

Her paramours' demise has left an empty space;

each one departed with a huge smile on his face.

Bill Wallace

 

Innocent Victim

Marriage to a Black widow is extremely scary;

the relationship is guaranteed to be temporary.

She weaves a big web of homicidal deception;

her future groom is doomed from the inception.

 

He's infatuated and ignores the warning signs;

doesn't think she's capable of sinister designs.

She can do no wrong in his star-stricken eyes;

he'll defend her whole-heartedly until he dies.

 

That's the plan for continuation of the species;

it would make most suitors weak in the knees.

Maybe it's best those signals they can't relate;

it's discomforting to know your expiration date.

Bill Wallace

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Two little spiders sitting on a web

One said to the other “I see that we have caught two flies

Let’s get them and take them to the center

and we can have dinner.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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One spider to another said I just finished my web and ain’t it a beauty,

Yes said the other, it’s a real cutey

But I my big old can that’s hang up in a tree

it’s perfect for me.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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By the web is a black widow spider

Who is telling the spider beside her

      That when some bug gets caught,

      She must do as she ought

'Til that bug that she caught is inside her.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

I scared the layout guy so much that he ran a month-old cartoon for "The Joke's on You!"

Now the really good flies taste just like Grey Poupon.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Is that Grey Poupon cologne you’re wearing?

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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It’s the new Grey Poupon label

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

“Come up and see me sometime“

Mari Reavis, Eden

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"My web is on Ralph Nader's target-list."

Bill Wallace

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Charlotte?  Who is Charlotte?

Mike Perry, Eden

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Just think - Miss Tallulah Bankhead's last role was named after ME!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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“That Charlotte is such a freakin’ showoff!”

Tim Tribbett

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"Hi!  My name is Charlotte!  What's yours?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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What a tangled web we weave

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST/WORST PUNS

"Me a murderer? Of corpse not!"

Bill Wallace

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BEST EARWORMS

"It's like the Hotel California - you can check in, but never leave."

Bill Wallace

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