jou_bird-phone_bug-insurance_061419

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, 061919

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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A FAVOR …

Due to an “upgrade” (why are they even called that?) to our email system, I’ll have to ask everyone who sends by email to make sure your text is formatted as “plain text,” as opposed to HTML text or Rich text.

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Last week’s cartoon was – bug insurance. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for -  is bird smart phone.

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WINNER

“Really, we’re in the buzzkill business!”

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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RUNNERS-UP

“Sorry we can’t insure you. This is a no fly zone!”

Mike Hayes, Greensboro

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“How many of your eyes do you want to insure?”

Debra Watson, Eden

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“I’m sorry, but we can’t pay on your husband’s life insurance if you’re the one who bit off his head.”        

Chris Burton, Greensboro

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“We can’t insure you because you’re a flight risk.”

Bill Wallace

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“Your husband should never have bought that bird.”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“Do you live near any bug zappers?”

Tim Tribbett

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“You’re set for life. Or 24 hours, whichever comes first.”

Stephen Botts, Chattanooga, TN

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“You have how many children?”

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (also getting a vote from the judges)

“This policy does not cover all 500 of your dependents.”

Jerry Kidd, Greensboro

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“So how far do you fly to and from work?”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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We do offer mayfly life insurance policies by the hour.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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I'm afraid the longest I can write this for is 28 days!

Mike Perry, Eden

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just to spotlight what I think are good but over-looked captions.

“We can’t process your claim today, there’s a bug in our system.”

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Sometimes, I come up with a caption no one else does. When that happens, I’ll post it here.

I think you guys pretty well covered the main ideas.

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THE REST

If that car doesn't see me what are my chances?

Larry Miller, Greensboro

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We do offer mayfly life insurance policies by the hour.

This policy does have a death by windshield rider.

... and it covers being hit by a cow's tail.

You're safe - we aren't the ones with the gecko.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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I need to double my life insurance, there is a new pesticide out! Word on the street, it is deadly.

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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"Unfortunately, our vision policy only covers 2 eyes and you have like 5, so .."

David D., Winston Salem 

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How do I keep from flying into car headlights at night?

Larry Miller, Greensboro

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1.  A policy for you? This isn't a fly-by-night company, you know.

2.  We don't have a Death by Raid clause.

3.  We customize.  Your policy will be printed on fly paper.

4.  No, I said your rate is for the mature, not manure.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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"This policy does not cover all 500 of your dependents"

Jerry Kidd, Greensboro

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Do you steer clear of humans wearing shoes?

Joan Lux, Greensboro

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“Sorry, we don‘t insure mayflies.”

Tim Tribbett

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You’re set for life. Or 24 hours, whichever comes first.

Stephen Botts, Chattanooga, TN

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"Look, we're sorry about your wife, however, we cover spider webs, windshields and fly swatters but we'e told you a million times, don't go to the light no matter what,"

David D., Winston Salem 

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"Look, it's not our fault some brat plucked off your wife's wings."

David D., Winston Salem 

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"Let me get this straight. Your son landed on some poop and some guy was mowing. Couldn't he hear it?"

David D., Winston Salem 

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" Let me tell you, it's going to be expensive. Fly's are high risk with all the swatters, spider webs, bratty kids and you guys will have your babies anywhere."

David D., Winston Salem 

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Unfortunately, an insect with only four legs is a pre-existing condition.  It's Rickard's fault.

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

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"We had to fire the gecko - he was eating all of our clients."

"Have you had any DUIs while flying?"

"This covers eye exams, which can be costly for us."

"You're covered even if you fly out of the country."

"Pre-natal care is important when there are 150 involved."

"There are exclusions for swatters and bug zappers."

"You have collision coverage, but if it's a windshield, it won't matter."

"Do you live alone or in a colony?"

'We can add a rider that will cover Raid and Black Flag events."

"Being a vermin is a pre-existing condition."

"The policy is renewable after your kids reach the larva stage."

"You can pay the premiums with cash or rotted meat."

"Our new hospital plan is all the buzz around town!"

"We've hired Spiderman as our new spokesperson."

"The death claim was denied - your wife was swatted on purpose, not by accident."

Bill Wallace

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" I very sorry sir, but your RAID Policy has lapsed.."

Stephen Sparrow

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" Isn't it strange how us grasshoppers tend to be insurance agents and mosquitoes tend to be lawyers."

David D., Winston Salem 

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I see you have filed a worker’s compensation claim for that last midnight raid.

J.J. Greeson, Greensboro

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 “Sorry, your policy does not cover compound eye.”

“It covers falling or flying objects but not insect damage.”

“The inexperienced flyer made your rate go up.”

“So how far do you fly to and from work?”

“Your life expectancy is too short to get life insurance!”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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"You are hiding a checkered past. I can see it in your eyes."

Bob Klippstein, Greensboro

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"I'm sorry, but we can't pay on your husband's life insurance if you're the one who bit off his head."

Chris Burton, Greensboro

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Sorry we can’t insure you.  This is a No Fly Zone!

Mike Hayes, Greensboro

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“Fortunately for you, the double indemnity clause in your wife’s policy does include ‘Going splat.’ “ - Steve H., Elon

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1. Your accidental death policy contains two exclusions..fly swatters and automobile windshields.

2. If the homeowner is holding a spray bottle , we recommend that you fly away immediately.

3. And when you give birth, all of your 150 new babies are immediately insured.

4. We specialize in Bugacare.

5. We increase your benefits —IF you live six months.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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Thanks for the "runner-up” award last week

You earned it.

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I'm afraid the longest I can write this for is 28 days!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Of course you know this will be a single premium life insurance policy, to be paid upfront!

Mike Perry

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”This policy will provide for your family at your death. I suggest you sign the papers today, you only have 28 days to live!”

”This policy covers you for life, double indemnity if you die from a rolled up newspaper or a fly swatter”!

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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“How often do you get on the web?”

Tim Tribbett

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I understand you have almost 500 beneficiaries for this policy?

Mike Perry, Eden

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"If something happens to you, each of your 200 children will receive a monthly check."

"I see you've listed 400 beneficiaries on your policy.....all children?"

"The only non-covered peril is Venus fly-traps."

"You'll have to undergo an examination at the Terminix office."

"We don't insure termites - they eat into our profits."

"You'll receive our best rate due to your 360-degree vision."

"Basic coverage includes a match-box casket."

"You'll probably self-cremate by hitting a bug-zapper."

"Our new expanded benefits package has everyone buzzing!"

Bill Wallace

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"And I've included a SWAT Team rider for your personal injury protection!"

Larry Parrish, Eden

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"Centipedes aren't eligible for loss-of-limb coverage. One claim could wipe us out."

"Your address turns out to be a real dump."

"Our highest mortality rate is among praying mantises during mating season."

"You don't drink and fly, do you?"

Bill Wallace

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"Sorry ... we don't cover film actors."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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Be advised!  "Death by swatter" will invalidate the whole policy!

Mike Perry, Eden

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 “Sorry, death by windshield splatter is not covered.”

Julian Busby, M.D., High Point

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"Statistically speaking, flying is safer for you than trying to cross the kitchen floor."

"Now don't go all bug-eyed when you hear what this is going to cost."

"Did you want to add the Black Flag rider in case you get sprayed?"

"And remember.....you're in good hands with All-Fate."

Bill Wallace

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And just how fast were you going when you crashed into the window?

Elaine Snipes, Greensboro

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Yes, we could give you a cheaper rate for just one antenna.

Elaine Snipes, Greensboro

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“Do you live near any bug zappers?”

Tim Tribbett

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#1:    "If this isn't proof that insects are disgusting, then nothing is!"

#2:    "Thank you, Greensboro.com, for making the Joke's on You blog more difficult to find!"

#3:    "Who do you think we are?  Lloyd's of London?"

#4:    "You're the first bug who's ever tried to buy insurance, and I'm the first bug who's ever tried to sell it!"

#5:    "I can answer all of your questions in one word.  No!"

#6:    "Really, we're in the Buzzkill Business!"

#7:    "Premium payments won't be a problem.  You know those humans you're always robbing of food?  Just steal some of their money, too!"

#8:    "Yes!  Even blood suckers like us can be insured!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.

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“Where were you when it hit the fan?”

Tim Tribbett

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“You want to insure 10,000 maggots?”

Tim Tribbett

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Would you like to sign up for our personal swat protection plan?

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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#9:    "Here, we have the rider stating that humans won't kill us as long as we pay them rent!"

#10:    "Reading this will help you on a night when you have trouble falling asleep!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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1. We can”t process your claim today, there’s a bug in our system.

2. Stop bugging me, I’m doing my best to process your claim.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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"This policy has the standard insecticide exclusion."

David Shoulberg, Greensboro

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Your policy will not cover flying into the pretty blue light.

This new policy is a short, short, short term life plan.

This policy will not pay your wife if she eats you.

Marrying a Praying Mantis will void your policy.

You'll be dead before the policy can go into effect.

Yes we do cover sudden fly swatting.

We can do a hungry bat rider if you want.

Being zapped by the pretty blue light is considered suicide.

Spider webs and frogs are considered natural causes of death.

Insecticides are covered as hazards of the job.

Death by mean little boys with magnifying glasses pays double.

I'm sorry but we no longer issue health insurance policies to household pests.

Staying at a roach motel will void your travel insurance policy.

When you die we will pay all ten thousand of your children.

Sorry, we don't consider metamorphosis as death.

You're covered if you get swatted.

The mean kid provision of your policy will cover getting your wings pulled off.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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I'm sorry!  We just don't write insurance policies for one month!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm sorry, we can't bill you.  We have to have the premium up front!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Your life sucks?

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm sorry about your loss, but your wife's policy didn't include death by swat police!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Sorry, there's no payout for death by flyswatter."

"You want how many children to receive your life insurance payout ?!"

"We can offer you two weeks of term life insurance."

"How many of your eyes do you want to insure ?"

"She drowned in the ointment ?"

"So, Mr. Buzzy, you want to buy dismemberment insurance ?"

"By the time I get your paperwork done you'll probably have died."

"Our actuary charts suggest that you'll be covered for a couple of weeks."

"Thanks for buzzing by to sign your policy application."

"If you die in flight your beneficiaries will have to prove you weren't hit by a screen door."

"You want to take out a policy on your eggs before they hatch ?"

"Have you ever been imprisoned in a flue ?"

"It'll be suspicious if you take out a death by fly strip policy

since I understand you've bought one."

"We can't cover anyone who frequents cow pies."

Debra Watson, Eden

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Would you like to add "Swatter Protection" to your policy?

Jack MacDowall, Greensboro

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"So your wife took out a $1,000,000 policy on you and then brochures for Hawaii started showing up in the mail?"

"Believe me, no one is going to steal your stash of rotting meat."

"Your life cycle is so short, insurance is out of the question."

"Your homeowner's policy doesn't cover illness due to No-Pest strips."

"We can't insure you because you're a flight risk."

Bill Wallace

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I recommend our windshield collision policy.

Your husband should never have bought that bird.

Sorry we do not cover scraping your husband off a front bumper.

Your husband wasn't covered for night flying.

Our lightning bug policy doesn't cover butt burnout.

Our suicide clause includes landing in hot soup.

We cover being swallowed by a cyclist.

Biting a J.O.Y. captioner will give you food poisoning.

Don't be fooled by the fact that J.O.Y captioners draw a lot of flies.

Stay away for J.O.Y captioners.  That wonderful stench is just a by-product of some of their captions.

We'll pay your beneficiary double if you fly up Rickard's nose.

Two beetles fly into a bar and order a couple of beers.  One beetle says to

the other, "I hear Charlie got a new Chevy truck."  His friend said, "Not

really.  It's more like a new Chevy truck got Charlie."

Two flies walk into a bar near a big military base and are promptly swatted

by the bartender.  One fly slowly raises his head and groans to the other,

"You idiot, I told you this was a no fly zone!"

A bug flew to a lonely roadside bar,

He was thirsty and had traveled far.

He drank spilled beer for free,

Left drunk and just didn't see,

The windshield of that speeding car.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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No! Your cousin Burt did not leave his secret formula for lotion to you .

We just don’t write policies for 2 weeks! 

All the other insurance companies told you to buzz off?!? So.    Buzz off.

No you can’t get disability caused by a close call with a fly swatter.  

Sorry.  We’re not hiring anyone with only 14 days to live

I don’t think an “extended life “ policy is what you think it is

Pasty Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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You realize your life span is only 28 days right?

We offer discounts on life insurance if you complete our safety classes....Recognizing Raid, Outrunning the Swatter, and How to avoid the urge to see if the fly tape is sticky.

Come into my office said the grasshopper to the fly. Haha just an ice breaker I use.

Ointment as cause of death is a special addendum you'd need to add.

You're a friend of Jeff Goldblum you say. 

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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You're covered for pesticides and swatting, but not merging with Jeff Goldblum.

It's so easy, evena  cave bug can do it.

Brandon Breeze. Greensboro

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“6000 maggot-agers will increase your premiums significantly.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Get rid of the pet spider.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Sorry, we don’t insure dung balls.”

Tim Tribbett

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I'm sorry for your loss; but "there was an old lady who swallowed a fly" is not covered.

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

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This will never get off the ground

It’s called a wing and a prayer policy

Ok. Let’s wing it

Now don’t go flying off the handle with my quotes

How do you feel about all this ?

Yes, we cover private stashes of Grey Poupon

This will never fly

Let’s see- Yes we cover you getting in the ointment

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"This new policy - I ask perchance.

As I read it, I thought at first glance -

Is my kin covered too?

Tell me now, is it true?"

"Uncles? No, but we do cover ants."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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'That crap doesn't fly around here'

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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No, we’re not a fly-by-night agency. We’re open days too.

Ken Sheldon

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 “You’re not covered under pet insurance?”

“Stop bugging me about our policies.”

“You’re not protected from Orkin.”

“We offer a 24 hour life insurance policy.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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"No, we won't cover it... but I'll bet Farmers Insurance would make one heck of a funny video out of it!"

 "Seeing double??  Pretty sure that's going to be considered a pre-existing condition."

"Now LOOK!; just how many dead grandmothers can you Have???"

"Stop me if you've heard this one.  Two flys walk into a bar..... "

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"You think YOU Need psych insurance?... I'm scared of open windows!"

"You think YOU Need psych insurance?... I'm scared of heights."

"Actually I took this desk job because I'm scared of heights."

"Well, we DO have a flip-over beneficiary plan that changes every 7 days."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"You heard the one about how to time flys when you're having fun??  No wait, that's not it.  Gimme a second......"

"No, I don't think you're going to die soon because you can't regurgitate... I think you're going to die soon because you're a Fly!"

"Your dad took you Fly Fishing???  That's just Wrong."

"We can only allow you to name one million beneficiaries."

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Geico Insurance?? You want me to buy insurance From a LIZARD???"

"Do you REALLY think that me buying insurance from a Lizard is smart?"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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We’ll only cover the first 50 eyes.

If you get accidentally stepped on, , it will cover that completely.

You have how many children?

Our life insurance is only good for one week.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” JOKES

Two beetles fly into a bar and order a couple of beers.  One beetle says to the other, "I hear Charlie got a new Chevy truck."  His friend said, "Not really.  It's more like a new Chevy truck got Charlie."

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Two flies walk into a bar near a big military base and are promptly swatted by the bartender.  One fly slowly raises his head and groans to the other, "You idiot, I told you this was a no fly zone!"

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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BEST POEMS

Bugs' Lives Matter

Bugs' lives matter, and that's a true fact,

but they seldom die from a heart attack.

Neither are they victims of some disease;

they usually expire because of our unease.

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If they invade our home, we come unglued;

get very hostile, with a Terminator attitude.

It might be a spider or just a common roach;

we take offense that they dare to encroach.

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There's no malice in their insect behavior;

 they act solely on instinct and hard labor.

Then we come along with poison in hand;

send them packing to the promised land.

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Out comes the Raid or maybe Black Flag;

dealing with vermin can be a real drag.

A couple of shots and the ordeal is history;

we've put these pests out of their misery.

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It's not cricket to condemn them outright;

at the very least, they deserve a fair fight.

But it's do as I say on this, and not as I do;

if I see one coming, I'm grabbing a shoe.

Bill Wallace

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A bug flew to a lonely roadside bar,

He was thirsty and had traveled far.

      He drank spilled beer for free,

      Left drunk and just didn't see,

The windshield of that speeding car.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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"This new policy - I ask perchance.

As I read it, I thought at first glance -

       Is my kin covered too?

       Tell me now, is it true?"

"Uncles? No, but we do cover ants."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

Last week you flew around a little boy’s bed while he was praying. You are too much of a risk.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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"Thank you, Greensboro.com, for making the Joke's on You blog more difficult to find!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

I’ll second that!

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Biting a J.O.Y. captioner will give you food poisoning.

Don't be fooled by the fact that J.O.Y captioners draw a lot of flies.

Stay away for J.O.Y captioners.  That wonderful stench is just a by-product of some of their captions.

We'll pay your beneficiary double if you fly up Rickard's nose.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Yes, we cover private stashes of Grey Poupon

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

You're a friend of Jeff Goldblum you say.

Mandy Tadder, Flagstaff, AZ

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You're covered for pesticides and swatting, but not merging with Jeff Goldblum.

Brandon Breeze. Greensboro

"No, we won't cover it... but I'll bet Farmers Insurance would make one heck of a funny video out of it!"

"Geico Insurance?? You want me to buy insurance From a LIZARD???"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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BEST/WORST PUNS

"Our new hospital plan is all the buzz around town!"

Bill Wallace